04-10-2014 3:37:24 PM MST
New developments since my last posting. My roommate has offered me $4k towards the surgery of my choice. So I have been thinking quite a lot about why and what I need to do. Of course Spiritually nothing at all, and physically I was perhaps ready for the full GRS/SRS five years ago, but now I am not so sure. I really don't see myself married again, esp. to a man. Yes, I do find myself very attracted to some men, but that does not mean I need a relationship. Marriage to me has been tainted beyond any practical use in this culture. The money based culture we live in taints all sacred things from my viewpoint. It disgusts me that I must have money just to get my basics living needs met and that this goes for any human being. But I digress, this is not about a moneyless society. This blog is about my decision to have surgery and how I might do that with only $4K. So I've been doing some research and found a Dr. Reed in N. Miami who will do an orchiectomy and scrotum tuck for $4K. I promised myself years ago, if I did this I would be able to walk around nude and not be questioned, so I really want the "bump" totally gone. I know I will not be female in this lifetime, but I am a woman and should at least look the part! My feminine identity is self evident to me, and now I pray it is to others. As a younster I played along becauase I don't like to make waves, and frankly that time is over. So the plan is to get my letters, travel to N. Miami and have the procedure done as soon as is practical. I need to come up with travel funds and housing while I am down there. Dad is sending me a little money so I think I have the airline tickets covered. How I get around down there and where I am staying I am not sure yet, but feel confident something will materialize. The best part of this I can stop taking the anti-androgen and cut back on the estrogen. I know this will help my overall health. As a side note, I tried doing without these meds and got very depressed, almost suicidal. So surgery is the next logical step on my journey. My soul has no sex and soon my body will not either! As Above, so Below.
02-20-2014 11:15:14 AM MST
I like having a life here online...a virtual life, because I know it is temporary and with a flick of a switch it can all be gone. But then from another view perhaps it is even more lasting than my human body. Digital data can last for hundreds of years, while our biological existence lasts only while we are alive and since I have chosen cremation nothing will be left but my digital words and musing. Ever wonder who this "I" is we so often reference? This all sounds like a feedback loop, LOL.
Colorado Gold Rush is this weekend and I will be receiving the HUGS (Happy U Gave Service) award for my volunteer efforts at Gender Identity Center of Colorado. This move to Denver has been food for the soul, esp. my work with the GIC. For some reason, I still don't quite feel I have reached my authentic self, probably due to my conflict between my sexual nature and my physical body. Being a male woman is fine till it comes to relationships, then I have difficulty reconciling the differences. No matter what a trans* person does, they are in effect homosexual, but I suppose it depends on what level this is viewed from, genetic, physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. God help me to embrace these perspectives and move through them. No more avoidance or deception.
01-14-2014 9:44:15 PM MST
Upon further research I feel like my life’s journey is to shift my polarity more towards the service to others (away from service to self). Also, while meditating I sense many of my past lives have been homosexual and perhaps self-centered. This must change and it is changing, I know this. My life is right on track, so far only having hetero relationships and the one “experiment” with a guy was in my mind and heart hetero since I was presenting and performing as a woman. The energy was dynamite, and this just tells me I am making progress.
It is really important for me to stay focused on hetero only relations. I am not totally convinced about trans* sex being hetero though. I know it is really about the energy shared during the encounter, and so far I feel I am on track, so I will continue to abstain for now. I love the gender I present now as it feels so right, it is just my sex is incongruent and just because I surgically alter my “equipment” does not insure proper polarization. When in doubt, sit it out.
There is no right or wrong way to love another, and this includes sex, so this is not about right or wrong. This is about POLARITY and ascension. My greatest desire is to express my Highest and Best good to all.
I have to say my presentation is most comfortable now even after 6yrs! I’m happy with this aspect of my life and also am happy with my career so far. I still have a nagging feeling I should be doing more, but I’m happy so what’s wrong with that? I will continue to work with both the GIC and GLP. Life goes on.
01-01-2014 12:09:32 AM MST
It has been a while since I have written in this journal so here it is. The question of “who am I” is an ongoing question that changes with time and yet I wonder if it really changes or only my perceptions are changing, not me per se. Homosexual sex does not appeal to me and in fact I find it undesirable (mentally). Physically some men excite me and some women are very attractive too, except I am not drawn to them for sex, meaning I am not aroused by them. I remember mulling this dilemma way back in my teens. Round and round we go! (A homophobic transsexual?)
I desire a relationship which is in both our Highest Interest…one where we both benefit, which I feel my past marriages have been, however not all my relationships seem beneficial. I suppose that is not up to me. I can see the best case scenario is one where I have surgery and then find a relationship with a man, because as it is now my relationships with women seem like same sex relations to me, so I’ve been homosexual all along! This all seems so insane. Ultimately the best answer is to give myself to God/Holy Spirit and go with where ever I am led. The bottom line is I must stop being judgmental and focus on Love. In order to do this I must nullify this homophobic programing I’ve been brainwashed with.
The New Year promises to be a very good year. I have a good feeling about surgery. It will manifest in 2014 and I can get on with my life. Not only did a psychic tell me it would be this year, but I feel it too. Insurance laws are changing and the doors are coming open! I don’t know where the resources will come from, and that is not really important, as long as they manifest. My path is clear. I am to work with the transgender community as a Transwoman, and the GIC seems like the perfect place to do so. Life goes on… Happy New Year!
10-07-2013 10:58:05 AM MST
As far as my transition goes, I am done. NOT! I don't believe anyone is ever done. Life is a process and it/you are constantly evolving. The direction this takes depends on your actions to some degree, however it is not just up to you. The Universe guides your path and even if you resist this path as I did for over 30yrs... resistance is futile. I have embraced this path now and happiness is the result. No more searching, only true living. I am here to enjoy the ride, not to steer or in any way control the outcome. Paradox and apparent contradiction is a daily experience now. The best part is this no longer upsets me, I expect it and embrace it from the observer perspective. Joy resides in the wonder of knowing Great Spirit, Infinite I, God paves my path in glory. Even the sad times are delicious now.
There comes a time when gender no longer matters, nothing really does, it is more about experiencing life for what it is and in doing so you discover who you are. If the Universe intends I have surgery to modify my sex then so be it, the path will be laid out with all the resources necessary to walk the path successfully. How beautiful I am depends on how I feel inside. Can I find Love wherever I look? So far so Good. I love the image in the mirror and looking back at old pics, I love the guy I used to be now also. There is no desire to go backwards, it is simply a realization of the miracle of life. I have always been beautiful! This is the Truth of God, all creation is Beautiful, only your experience of this changes. Seeing ugly is to see the lie! Spirit seems to love contradiction, and thus my life as a male woman...
09-09-2013 9:36:49 AM MST
My transition psychologist told me it would take 3-5 years to fully transition and it looks like he is correct (It has been over 6yrs since I started hormones). I think most people can expect similar. The physical is only a small portion of the journey. It really starts with the mental and spiritual connecting. The physical is simply the expression of this connection. When I look in the mirror now days I know how I feel inside - I can see it clearly. Love fills my being and I know all is well with the world.
I prefer to have an Orchiectomy instead of SRS because I have come to terms with my birth form. It has never been about a desire to "be" with men, although the thought has been deeply considered. Nor do I wish to "be" with women. Perhaps I am moving into an asexual phase of life. My gender is now in alignment and sex really does not matter to me any more. What does matter is friendship and companionship. It feels good to be around others, to be appreciated by them, and simply to be noticed. We all desire one thing, Love. I now realize it is who I am, not what I desire. I know this now, I feel it!! Love is all there is ♥
08-05-2013 3:37:44 PM MST
A post from a friend helped me see just how angry I am with myself. I am very angry with being transgender - with being different. It is the feeling you get when teams are being selected and you are skipped over. I so want to fit in, but I simply do not! Being a freak both in size and gender identity can be alienating and down right unpleasant. I have done my best to cope, I really have. But I am angry!!! As soon as I stop feeling sorry for myself, it will pass. This feels good to vent. I needed this. Please forgive me if I have offended you. My very presence is intimidating, I know because I have experienced it all my life. It is less so now that I am living as a woman, but it still exists. It does not matter how pretty I am, my size is intimidating and freakish. What a twisted world this is!!!
08-02-2013 10:40:41 AM MST
What does it mean to be a male woman? This is a question I have asked myself over and over. The evolution of the answer is evident in my life and body. Quite frankly I do not really know if I act like a woman or not. I suspect I have always had strong feminine characteristics which were not allowed to develop. Now they are dominant in my life and it feels good. While I still have male genitalia the rest of my body is female! This is a queer feeling but one I have grown used to. When I imagine my body with female genitalia or at least a vagina it feels good but queer also. I have also imagined no genitalia at all and frankly I am Ok with all three scenarios.
I have said this many times, my gender is not in question, I am woman. It is the sex which confoubles (confounds/troubles) me. The thought of using a penis as a man distresses me although I can do it and have. I find women attractive especially now I have stopped the Spironolactone. For me the sex glands determine the attraction, almost like flipping a switch! So I suppose I have the choice of being attracted to men or women depending on my glands! The longer I wait though; I wonder how much conditioning is involved? I would say some but not all that much; it depends on the person I am with. I have felt uncontrollable attraction to certain men as well as to certain women. It is almost like a higher force is driving my actions, thus my cosmology!
Fatalism tends to drive my life with a dose of free will mixed in for good measure. A thought will appear in my mind and get processed. It is either, acted upon, filed for later consideration, or dismissed. I suppose this is the rational mind. The holographic universe model seems to fit quite nicely. Steven Davis describes it well in his book, “Butterflies are Free to Fly”. He says we each have an “Infinite I” which directs the holographic movie we are each living through our “Individual I”. He equates it to a movie theatre where we are born into the theatre and “watch” our movie till we get up and move to the back of the theatre. This equates to awakening and all religions, spiritual groups, higher thought groups, etc. are at the back of the theatre. This is the first half of your life. The second half is when this no longer fulfills you and you leave the theatre which he equates with true enlightenment. Instead of things seeming against you, everything conspires in your favor. The journey is then about unlearning all you have learned and transforming to the butterfly. The theatre is like a cocoon. The amazing part is as important and significant as the “movie in the theatre” seems it is just a movie. At this point I feel like I have stepped into a room with brilliant light, so bright it is hard to see and disorienting. I feel good and strong, content in my identity, but confused as to what is next. Following this model though it does not matter, because I am not in control anyway! I am simply the observer, the one having the experiences. The “Infinite I” is the one who benefits from all this and it is the one directing the movie. This is all well and good, I am content with it all. So far the ride has been fun and I look forward to the “rest of the story”.
07-03-2013 9:06:44 AM MST
As much as I would love to just end it all, I know in my heart there is no end. No one ever dies, only the image dies, the physical body decays and from ashes it returns to ashes. The same as saying from Nothing it returns to Nothing. The Whole/All has expanded slightly, however life goes on! There is No Thing to be sad about and only images to Celebrate!
This said, Life is going on... Here I sit, writing away, my time has not come... yet. When the resources show up I will have GRS, however till such a time I will continue on the path laid before me. I am a Spiritual Counselor, Minister, and advocate for positive change. (meaning, a world of relative equality, sustainable living practices, and mature human behavior) I know this world begins with me, so I do my best in this pursuit. Most important to me is living an authentic life, being true to my inner self, and helping others do the same.
Here is a quote I took off Facebook, it speaks to my soul!
"A goddess is a woman who emerges from deep within herself. She is a woman who has honestly explored her darkness and learned to celebrate her light. She is a woman who is able to fall in love with the magnificent possibilities within her. She is a woman who knows of the magic and mysterious places inside her, the sacred places that can nurture her soul and make her whole. She is a woman who radiates light. She is magnetic. She walks into a room and male and female alike feel her presence.
She has power and softness at the same time. She has powerful sexual energy that’s not dependent on physical looks. She has a body that she adores and it shows by the way she comfortably lives and moves in it. She cherishes beauty, light and love. She is a mother to all children. She flows with life in effortless grace. She can heal with a look or a touch of the hand. She is fiercely sensual and fearlessly erotic and engages in sex as her way to share with another in touching the divine. She is compassion and wisdom.
She is seeker of Truth and cares deeply about something bigger than herself. She is a woman who knows that her purpose in life is to reach higher and rule with love. She is woman in love with love. She knows that joy is her destiny and by embracing it and sharing it with others, wounds are healed. She is a woman who has come to know that her partner is as tender, lost, and frightened as she has been at times. She has come to understand the scars of the boy in him and knows that together, love can be the relief, the healing of their wounds.
She is a woman who can accept herself as she is. She can accept another as they are. She is able to forgive her mistakes and not feel threatened by another’s even when attacked. She is a woman who can ask for help when she needs it or give help when asked. She respects boundaries, hers and another’s. She can see God in another’s eyes. She can see God in her own. She can see God in every life situation. She is woman who takes responsibility for everything she creates in her life.
She is a woman who is totally supportive and giving. She is a Goddess…"
05-08-2013 7:34:03 AM MST
A mental inventory:
I was born male and raised this way. Puberty seemed wrong to me, but I did my best to accept things as they appeared. I prefer to wear feminine clothing and wear makeup, in effect dress as a woman. Although I get no pleasure from wearing dresses or "girly" things. I do get pleasure from wearing lipstick and have for as long as I can remember, perhaps the age of 9 or so. I love having my hair long although styling I prefer to leave to others. It is fun to visit the salon! I suppose this makes me a male woman. (or perhaps simply that I imprinted on my Mother) My interests lay in scientific and metaphysical pursuits, the point beyond the mainstream teachings, perhaps the estoteric. I love nature and feel a deep connection to her. Lately I have been hearing the dolphins and whales calling to me. They are my creator, I am their dream. I am being called home.
Sexually I am attracted mostly to women, but it is not that simple. My attraction is to their personality, clothing, and demeanor, not their sexuality. The thought of sex with a woman makes me ill. Cuddling, yes, affection, yes, but actual intercourse, NO. I desire intercourse with a man. To have him hold me and thrust his life within me as I lay submissive under him. One of the best sexual experiences of my life was with a korean/american man who excited my passions like no other ever has. While I did have wonderfully pleasing sex with my second wife/partner, it was pleasing because I met her needs and we climaxed together - 3 times in a row! What this makes my sexual orientation I cannot say and I am not sure a label would help matters. I love whom I am supposed to, driven to, and it is that simple. I hold no particular identity with any of the alphabet soup (LGBTQ...). I am me and doing the best I can to love and be loved.
04-03-2013 11:52:46 AM MST
As editor for the news update at Gender Identity Center of Colorado I recently came across an article by Dr. Anne Vitale, http://www.avitale.com/PostOpPlusFive.htm, which highlights her experience as a therapist with post-op transsexuals who are 5+ years after GRS. The comments where fascinating and of no real surprise to me. It echo’s my own feelings on transition. So far, I still have “T-poisoning” as so many transsexuals call it, meaning I am pre-op but there is a reason for this. As far as I can tell through all my studies of quantum physics, spirituality, and religious teachings I was born perfect, despite the perceived birth defects society pointed out. My body is male with a slightly low testosterone level throughout my life. My breasts have always been large for a male, and my interests have always skewed toward traditional woman’s activities. I detest most male oriented activities such as fighting, working on cars or things mechanical, sports are ok, but really of no great interest and while I did enjoy being physical at times it was mostly because I had “T” running through my body. The things which did excite me were exploration and discovery. I enjoyed being around those who supported me (who doesn’t?), and I enjoyed hanging out with the women, my mother included. This has not changed in 52 yrs! This said, the article was one we can all relate to on a certain level, because it comes down to this "Am I good enough just as I am"?
The article reminded me of what I have concluded recently and this is my body is perfect just as it is! I am just who I am meant to be, the culmination of years (perhaps lifetimes) of environmental, social, mental, and physical input. My teachings lead me to understand DNA is modified by the environment and I am not just given a bag of genes which stay with me forever. I am evolving always and all ways, just as we all are. This is a good thing. This puts my perceptions into focus as well as confirms them. I am both male (between my legs) and female (between my ears). The details I get to fill in. No matter what the details are I do not fit into the sexual binary and gender constructs of our present society. I accept this. It is time for me to move on, to get on with my life so to speak. How important is fitting in? This depends on my mood at the time. Intellectually it is not important at all, but emotionally it is huge! We all just want to be loved and have the opportunity to love. If this is fulfilled then the rest is much less important. For me I start with myself. Loving myself just as I am is my focus now. The other issue which weighs heavily on my mind is polarity because I know this is the fire which fuels our growth. At the moment I feel rather neutral (I used to be known as Even Steven) so not much has change inside. I do love the way I dress and get to express myself, but at the same time I am deeply depressed about my relationship to other people, romantic or otherwise. I crave physical contact more than ever now that I take estrogen. I have arrived at a Paradox. Where to from here? The options are many so I trust in the Divine to guide my path and lead me home.
02-19-2013 10:46:51 AM MST
I have had two successful personal relationships with wonderful souls who helped me tremendously as I pray I have done for them. I did my best with my family loving them as best I could and when I could see they needed space or were not ready to deal with me, I moved on. Each and every person in my life is there for a reason and I am so grateful to them for their supporting role! I love you each in my own way, whether it seems it or not. I have owned two homes and lived in many. I have pursued hobbies (cacti/succulents, minerals, and photography, and hiking in nature) which brought joy to my life and fulfilled an inner yearning for expression. I still love to spend time in beautiful natural settings, but then don’t we all? I have transitioned to the person I feel myself to be. I am very happy with my presentation now, it feels perfectly natural! The point of all this is simply this, I am done. Or at least I feel done; I am at peace with this lifetime! I have done all that I have come here to do or at least that is the way it feel to me. I have no desire to work or achieve anything else. My self-assigned job of inspiring others and supporting them on their journeys has taken center stage because it full-fills me! My Joy is your Joy. My Love is your Love.
Where to from here? I have no idea, so I am going to check in with my inner source with help from a LBL Therapist. I pray I get the guidance I need at this juncture. I few things I have learned along the way are life never ends; even when we leave our bodies behind, our Oversoul moves on to the next step. I also know each time we awaken in the morning is a new day and new opportunity to experience life. Nothing needs to be done, however you may wish to do things. I am in a resting period right now it seems. I am fine with this, but keep feeling I should be doing more. I know this is not “true”.
01-10-2013 3:54:24 PM MST
This Journal has just been made public again, so read all you like! The comment section does work, but it does not notify me when I comment is posted, so if you wish me to read it please email me and let me know the date of the journal post. If I could change this I obviously would, but alas that is an extra feature apparently. I appreciate your support and share this journal because God supports me...us ;-)
12-26-2012 9:55:37 PM MST
Life is good! The end of the world has come and gone, all is well. I feel really good about where I am in the journey and still have no aspirations or feel I must achieve anything further in this lifetime. If I get the money I will have the orchi, if not that is fine too. If I get a car I remain determined the vehicle will get 40mpg at least. I don't really care where I live although Denver is getting a bit boring and comfortable. It is time to go somewhere tropical, just not sure where at this point. February is the target date for a trip. Maybe I will take a cruise or jump a ship to Australia or something. A train ride sounds fun too. Maybe I could do that in Australia. Did I mention I prefer having the orchi asap? Anyway, The end of the year is only a few days away now, so I will wish myself a Happy New Year 2013. May the Highest and Best Good manifest for me, myself, and I :-)
12-12-2012 11:10:27 PM MST
It is funny how my feelings have changed over the past month or so. I no longer take anti-androgens and my desires to be with a man have subsided to the point now that I prefer to be with women, although I think sex is out for me all the way around. It does not interest me right now. This may change, but whatever it is all good. I will still get the Orchi when the funds come in, just keeping things simple. I feel my polarity is fairly neutral at the moment. I don't feel feminine or masculine. I am simply me. This is the way I want it too! I love my name, the way I dress, wearing makeup when the moods strikes me, and letting my hair grow as long as it wants to. If you see me as female, great... or if you see me as male in womans clothing, that is fine too. I am transgender and that pretty much sums it up! Life goes on.
12-08-2012 11:21:36 AM MST
Grateful List, I am grateful for...
A warm, comfortable place to live with someone who accepts me for me and actually cares how I am doing.
An awesome, fast computer to stay connected with the rest of the world and the service to make it so.
Time to write, learn, and create as my heart desires.
no longer participating in the insanity of every day life, as much as is possible without becoming a monk.
The opportunity to volunteer with like minded individuals and share my Love (self) with others.
having people in my life who love and respect me for who I am, and if not walking away with dignity.
for all the things I have learned in this lifetime.
Science of Mind, A Course in Miracles, The Law of One, NDW's books, Journey of Souls, and all other related metaphysical studies!
The Zeitgeist Movement and the focus on a new paradigm of society on earth, one based on Love.
for having the best parents anyone could ask for.
and most of all, I am grateful to experience Miracles on a daily basis ♥
11-03-2012 12:15:23 PM MST
While in the hot tub today I had a vision of my purpose in this lifetime concerning gender and relationships. It seems I have been female many times, had many children, and even been male too. The male dynasty was early in history and brutal. I learned strength and how to (ab)use it. The early female experiences where like that too, but more about manipulation and control. I feel a balance in this life which is very refreshing! The female form is most comfortable to me, but the male aspect (body) is here to balance my energy. It seems I need to embrace caring and compassion while in a position of power. This male body is very powerful! It has taught me temperance, patience, and forgiveness.
As far as relationships go, I feel like I have fullfilled my purpose of having two wonderful relationships with women as a man. The second being most fulfilling, while the first was all about growth. The path which lies ahead is as a powerful, caring, and loving woman. The male body is no longer necessary to "protect" me. I have felt safe in my strength and now I can carry this forward as the woman I am. I release this male body to the Great Spirit asking for alignment in Divine Feminine form. So Be It and so it is....
In my present form I desire a female masculine woman as a partner. She needs to accept me as a male feminine woman and be on an equal path to mine if not more advanced. I think Holy Spirit works with whatever is available, so if at some point I have surgery to have female parts, I will then shift to a male feminine man as a partner. Marriage is no longer necessary on any level. Love is all that is required.
10-21-2012 9:57:22 PM MST
Be you handsome man or beautiful woman, I release any and all attachments to form. May the Holy Spirit free me of illusion, delusion, and false belief. I surrender now to the Higher Powers that Be. The Divine "ball" is rolling, dreams are manifesting, and all is well. A happy, heathy Love Based Society is in the works powered by a Resource Based Economy. The next step on our evolutionary path is manifesting at this very moment. I am deeply grateful for the guidance received along the way! Please continue with the Love and the Light! namaste' Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter
09-24-2012 10:13:47 PM MST
God made each of us in her own image, however with the echoing mirrors of ego this image is distorted and manipulated to a point of being unrecognizable. The road home is seeing beyond the images to the Truth. I am you and you are me. It gets very confusing, but in the end it is quite simple, I am God and You are God!
The male and female are made to complement each other, this is why we have gender variance. I am attracted to women because I Love myself, however sexually I feel best with a man. I LOVE the feeling of a man inside me, filling me with his Loving Grace! The rhytmic joy of connecting to a point of ecstacy;-) Since I was born male, to balance this sexual energy, I have transitioned to female - as much as possible to this point. I may have male parts and even have a few times in the past played the male role successfully. My soul just knows this is not right. I need a man to love me properly and I prefer to have my anatomy adjusted to make this connection properly. If not in this life, then in the next. The only time I have made this connection confirmed my orientation and gender - I am WOMAN! I seem to be heterosexual as my orientation has not changed, I am attracted to the opposite sex. Being a pre-op transsexual this makes life a bit confusing. 8-)
Homosexuality is natures way to balance your energy...to set things right. Let your attachments go and follow the heart. You are always attracted to the person you need to be with, so stop putting limits on it. It is important to remember your partner has been both male and female in other lifetimes, so what difference does it make in this lifetime.
I have studied the scriptures of many teachings and they all point to like attracts like (human/human) and opposites attract (man/woman), just as we group all magnets together while their polarities of opposites attract. It is possible for two men to attract if they have opposite polarity, or same for two women.
09-12-2012 7:13:25 AM MST
I made the decision to embrace my dream of being a counselor, so I reloaded the Spiritual Counselor page and will be posting an advertizement on Craigslist. I plan on using any money made to get my certification in Spiritual Counseling thru The American Institute of Health Care Professionals, Inc. It is possible for me to get the classes I need for around $150 each and all I need is 7 classes. It is possible to have it all done in a yr.
I still remain open to my personal spiritual journey and continue to meditate daily, as much as I can each day. The challenge now is to stay rooted while I continue to grow in consciousness. "Be in this world, not of it" I feel better now than I did a few days ago, as it seems my mood has fluctuated some recently. I am sure the orchiectomy would help with this, however this remains a factor dependent on finances. Life is good and my Faith is strong - I am on the right path for me.
09-02-2012 10:06:23 PM MST
This speaks to me deeply, even though it is male centric. After having a reading today, my path seems clearer. Not sure what will actually take place, but I must have more income and if this means getting a "job" then so be it. As far as FL goes, not so sure it will happen. Maybe for a visit, not sure I even wish to live in the USA. She told me she sees me in the NW, near Seattle. It is nice up that way, but I just don't know. Probably be here in Denver till Nov. I have a feeling Deborah may move and I promised to help. I am having real difficulty seeing beyond 1-1-13, because I have vowed to exit this world by then. I focus on Love and keeping my Spirits High. I know this is vital in the coming days ahead. May the Highest and Best Good manifest for all concerned. ♥
08-09-2012 4:05:39 PM MST
I have made the decision to move to Florida. There are a couple of factors involved. One is the gender surgeon there has a big practice and low prices for the USA. I like the sea and warm air there too. The plants are another benefit. I know a few people in the Miami area and I have never been there for long. We will see how it works out.
Not sure who I will live with or what type of work I will do, however I will have to have some type of income. In order to raise the money for surgery and to live on. Deborah has been good to me, although I have been here long enough. It is time I moved on and expanded my network. I know I will always and all ways have what I need, the question is will I be able to exceed this? Why do I want to? It is funny how life has a different idea of how things should work out than I do. I still wrestle with the idea of surgery, whether it is right for me or not. It may not even matter, since this body will be gone in a few years anyway. I am not sure it even exists in reality. This could all be a mind game with myself.
So for now I will tie up loose ends and prepare to start again in a new location. Where ever I go, there I am.
07-31-2012 12:14:00 PM MST
I noticed my increasing desire for sweets. When I transitioned 5 yrs ago one of the things I changed was my consumption of sweets. Not that it was ever over the top, excessive. I hardly ever use white processed sugar now, and when I do use sugar it is organic and un-processed. Honey is another substitute I use. It seems like the cravings come after eating, like I did not get enough even though I ate a large portion. I wonder if this has anything to do with my hormone levels, or is this a simple habit. I read that carbs increase the serotonin levels in the brain and I am sure it has something to do with this. Chocolate helps nicely, as does things like apple juice. I vow to make an effort to keep the quantity down and the quality up.
Otherwise things are going fine. I feel a bit out of balance and would prefer loosing the male anatomy completely either by SRS or a sharp knife! I have vowed to hold out till the end of the year, so I pray a solution comes along sooner! The cosmic shift is felt. I feel the changes happening and this is what keeps me going. I also feel what we have been teaching about gender is not the full story, so I hesitate to "get out there" and act like I have answers, because I don't. The identity of Male Woman still works for me. What exactly that means I am not sure. Life goes on.
07-15-2012 9:22:21 PM MST
Still going fine with no Spirononlactone. I say fine, but really I feel it would be better without any "T" left (post-op). The Finasteride is doing its job and reducing some of the "T". My estrogen dose is 4mg am and 2mg evening for 6mg total. This is about as good as I can do at this point physically.
Mentally and Spiritually I feel good changes. I know things are moving along nicely. My understandings and inner energy vibration is growing daily. My heart center is now open on demand as well as the third eye. I meditate most days, but not every day. My daily music regimen is centered on uplifting supportive instrumentals with nature sounds, new age, and binaural beats. Depression does catch up with me occasionally, however not often. I sing the music of my soul!
My transition plan has not changed. When the resources are available and depending on the amount I will take action to remove the male aspects of my physiology. I will not do this manually on my own this year. Come 2013, and I have not had the surgery or at least have the funds and schedule, then I can make no promises. I promised my self I would hold out till the end of this year and I am. I see no point in going on past this year with male parts. The only advantage I can see of having these male parts is it keeps me from physical relations (sex). I really do not wish or feel right participating in sex with these male body parts.
I also look to the world to end the ignorance and hatred. The cruelty must stop. I refuse to witness more of this insanity, the greed, control freaks, power mongers, and heartless actions. It kills me to see this and I look for the good in each person I meet and in each situation I witness - I know it is there. I forgive them for I know not what I do.
06-06-2012 8:23:02 AM MST
One thing I know for sure, I am as God made me. When I get the funding or find a doctor willing to do it for charity I will have an orchiectomy. My preference is to have it all removed, scrotum and penis. I hear they will do that for only a 1,000 more. At that point I will have no sexuality at all which seems right for me.
It really is all about balancing energy and I feel my energy is fairly balanced between masculine and feminine. I suppose things really have not changed that much. Integrating into society has never been easy for me. Now is no better than before. It does seem to me that I do not belong here. Somehow I am out of place. I suppose I am exactly where I am supposed to be since I am here. None of it really makes sense.