01-26-2015 12:32:46 PM MST
Sex is about either penetrating or being penetrated and exchanging energy, those you have in abundance. There really is nothing else to it except for those who are aware enough; it is about connecting to Divine Source or Ultimate Reality. It could be said that sexual intimacy is about Oneness…Knowing thyself through knowing another.
Body parts or right or wrong have little to do with it and so it can also be said that identities or labels matter not as well. I have said many times, I identify as a male/woman, other terms work also, but I do not claim as my own.
To say I feel regret about having surgery (orchiectomy) would be inaccurate. I am not disappointed or dissatisfied with the results, however I do feel a loss. I peice of me is gone. Perhaps this is a good thing representing a peice of my delusion is now gone. LOL. When I look in the mirror it feels good to see who I feel.
One result of my surgery and transition is I now find it difficult to relate to the average person. I am not that, and in fact most everything I see in this world conjures up that feeling... I am not that! Can one deny their own existance?
01-19-2015 11:57:50 AM MST
My eyes had cleared up almost completely till a few days ago. I put on some makeup for the day and yesterday they broke out again and worse than ever. My left eye is swollen almost to the point of not being able to see out of it. I would say this is an allergic reaction but anti-histimines do nothing for it. The more likely diagnosis is environmental poisoning. I do realize that conjecture is not helping it, LOL. Se La Vie.
Despite appearances I feel more positive now than before. I know all is well. These symptoms are just illusions to satisfy the ego mind. I feel this to my core. Love is such a wonderful, calming, and reassuring emotion. Love to you my friend!
12-29-2014 6:14:50 PM MST
Post op follow up: It has been over six months now since I did the orchi and doubt lingers in my mind as to if this was the right decision. I remain confused. It is wonderful that I no longer need to take the blockers, but I also feel it is too late for me. The damage is done. I plan on going in to the docs next week and get a blood test done to see just how bad it is. If you know anything about Chinese medicine then you know about face reading and my face is saying the liver, pancreas, and kidneys have reached their limits of toleration. I am dying and a little faster than I would prefer. I had to cut wheat, sweets, and spicy foods out of my diet and supplement with green leaf veggies and sour foods. Cutting wheat out of the American diet is about impossible, so I have done as best I can. The colon is not working very well either, so in order to go #2 it requires enemas, although this is improved in the last few weeks. As a result I am feeling better, but my face is not clearing up so my expectations for longevity are quite low. I also stopped taking estrogen which has left me with hot flashes... menopausal yeah ;-}
I have achieved my goals for the most part so this is good, I doubt I would have any more surgery even if given the money at this point in the game. Wish I had done it many years ago, but then things have a way of working out for the best so there ya go! It's all good.
From a relationship aspect my life feels like a failure. Not saying it is, just that it feels that way. I miss the intimacy of a relationship and perhaps being able to dress 100% of the time the way I choose is not enough of a compensation. This is hard to say. I certainly do not feel the drive towards sex with anyone at this point in life. I have decided to identify as asexual since none of it feels right any longer. This is neither good nor bad, it is what it is. I am finding other ways to communicate God's love. I certainly feel God's love more intensely now than any other time in my life, so perhaps I am successful after all. Or perhaps I am just closer to Him now than I have ever been.
Namaste' my dear readers
12-06-2014 11:01:44 AM MST
My recent blog on "Why Did You Transition" revealed some deep issues for me. One is the idea of being homosexual or gay. I have deeply seeded negative thoughts around this and while I have never thought of myself as being gay, the idea does scare me a bit. My rational mind sees nothing wrong with gays and in fact I even have a book that says Jesus sees nothing wrong with being gay either. So how do I get these negative feelings to purge? As a trans* person, I am gay no matter what I do, either gay or lesbian! Here is how I have reconciled this. I was born male and will not have sexual relations with another male born individual. For now I will forgo all personal relationships and when and if the situation arrives my partner needs to be female at birth. If this sounds prejudiced then it probably is! This does not mean that I am. I totally accept others the way in which they present to me. How you see yourself is your business and how I see myself is mine. A major reason I choose this path is polarity. Same sex relationships carry very little or neutral polarity and while this is neither good nor bad, it does affect the life you are living. (There is a whole chapter on polarity in my eBook, Sex and Sexuality) Exactly how polarity affects my life I am not sure, and remain open to other interpretations. I feel it to be very important though.
I also want to announce that I have stopped all hormones. No more estrogen or blockers. It seems my overall health has taken a down turn and I believe it is related to hormones. My liver and kidneys are being over worked and may be a bit toxic. I will be doing another cleansing soon in hopes of clearing some of this. I knew this was a possible side effect and accept that responsibility. I really do love my body and am grateful for the wonderful experience this time around. May my thoughts remain on Love, Peace, and Joy!
I am a deeply spiritual person open to the workings of the Universe.
May Love Prevail.
11-26-2014 2:46:10 PM MST
Wishing you and yours a
bright cheerful Thanksgiving
with delicious food and good company!
Life is better than ever for me, so I wish the same or better for you. Not a whole lot has changed in the past few years; I am still dedicated to my ministry in the moment volunteering at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado. My jobs there include, communications (Newsletter, Facebook, and email blasts type announcements) and volunteer coordinator (I interview/screen any interested parties and set them up at the front desk. This includes training and writing the manual). Recently I started a new position of On-Site Task Supervisor, so when I am there I oversee the daily operations of the center. The other project which occupies my time is the online ministry and occupies my time is writing. I recently released a new website which is to be the extension of the eBook, a Love Based Society. Since I could not decide on a specific story, I started with my vision of the foundation to that society, a world I wish to live in. If interested visit, https://alovebasedsociety.wordpress.com. I invite constructive input and comments!
On a more personal note I wish to thank those who assisted me in obtaining orchiectomy surgery to address my gender incongruency. This is how I have always felt inside, as a woman. Labels are unimportant, but if you like TransWoman works for me. Of course you will see me as you need to in order to fit your cosmology. The surgical site is all healed and I no longer have to take harmful hormone blockers, although I do take estrogen in a small dose just as any woman would without ovaries.
Living this way is wonderful and I am most grateful for all my lessons along the road these last 53 yrs. I know you too have had “lessons” and together (maybe not physically) we are learning and growing. My latest lesson is one of seeing beyond the exterior and accepting things as they are, not just as they seem to be. Going along with this is non-judgment, for which I am doing much better.
No romantic relationships for me now and this is just the way I prefer. I have several close friends and many acquaintances so this is enough. I do not expect to ever replace the relationships of my past and certainly did not transition for this purpose. Love is my guide and I understand it now because of those in my past life. This understanding is deepening though as I learn and grow. The funny part is my gender is no mystery to me, woman is who I am. Sexual Orientation though is indeed a mystery since I have no desire to procreate and never have. I am attracted to a person’s personality mostly as well as their appearance, what I call sexuality. So if you prefer a label I am going with pansexual these days, although asexual may be more fitting.
There is a sense of connection that comes from understanding another and thus my confessions above. I see the Oneness now and get the interrelatedness of life on earth and beyond. My one true love is Nature herself, Mother Earth!
11-17-2014 10:55:58 AM MST
As a Transgender Woman I will always be questioning my gender. I have always known that surgery would not end that. It has made me more comfortable with my body though. DNA is no small factor in who we are, but then it is not the determining factor either. My nature has almost always been feminine, except when is was masculine. I enjoy physical play and activities as well as the more traditionally feminine roles. I am sure I would have been a tomboy had I been born female. I suppose the point of this post is simply the fact I don't feel male or female. I am neither man nor woman, although I enjoy the roles a woman plays. Yes, I am very happy to have transitioned and also to have had my orchi, had I been younger in my twenties or early thirties I would have pushed harder for the full GRS/SRS. I was not ready then and so it is, life goes on... I am grateful to be "me". :-D
09-15-2014 1:13:03 PM MST
Who am I?
I am like a multi-faceted diamond who reflects a little piece of each person I have ever met. Being one person is just way too constrictive. I won't be limited in that way. I am not just this person called "XYZ". The funny part is I really do Love each and every part (person) in my life. This is not to say I don't also have "negative" emotions around some of them. A few of the 'triggers' in my life are alcohol abuse, sexual phobias (homophobia, transphobia, and at times bodily phobia), ignorance, intolerance, impatience, and criticism. (I have found that I attract that which I fear)
We walk the path of acceptance together. Let me define this “we”. We are the sum total of each facet of my life (the diamond). Does this mean each facet reflects the same person at all times? No. People come and they go, and so I change also. It is like ripples in the pond or echoes in an auditorium. LOL, the image of a house of mirrors also flashes through my mind. I keep looking for others who are like I perceive myself to be, but rarely find any. Is this why I am so tall? This is probably just my ego wanting to be ‘special’. Its way of being seen! I have learned there are some things I just cannot change in this ‘reality’. Being tall is one of them, so I have mostly accepted this and when angst does come up around being tall “I” (God Self) comforts “i” (ego self).
What this means is ‘we’ share these issues and I do my utmost best to see each facet (person) in their Highest Light! (as an Angel) The story of “The Little Soul and the Sun” by Neale Donald Walsch sums this up perfectly. I have it posted somewhere in my blog or perhaps on my website or Facebook. Maybe I will repost it. Upon further reflection, I would like to drop my middle and last names, but find it impractical in today’s society, so just think of me as Sequoia for now. This name has every vowel and I feel this suits me perfectly!
09-02-2014 9:18:11 AM MST
Transition has made my ego happy. It feels great to wear whatever clothing I want as well as wear makeup when and how I like, but to what end? Is temporary happiness worth the sacrifice? Some lessons are hard and this one is surely that! It is like taking your TV and tossing it off a building to see if you like watching TV. It is one step short of suicide! Perhaps is it no different at all. Does the body have to end for one to die? Does the story end also?
Would I recommend transition for other persons who identify as Transgender? How can I? It is not up to me. All I can say is to be aware of what you are doing and the price! Is the price too high? Only you can say. For me it has indeed pushed me to my limits. I feel as though I walk right on the edge of the Grand Canyon. The funny part is I remember running right up to the edge of the Grand Canyon as a child and sitting down with my feet dangling over the edge. Mom was freaking out. I feel this is what I came here for. How else does one grow but to push their limits?
The question for me remains... what next? Where do I go from here? I find it most difficult to relate to the man-made world now. Perhaps this process of letting go moves in slow motion, maybe I already let it all go and slowly it fades away. The contrast of this experience is most interesting. The beauty I see all around me has intensified, but so has the atrocities. Living in this world is cruel; there is no way to escape that. The only answer is to see beyond this small pond. Yes, connect to the all there is and see it for what it really is.
08-25-2014 11:23:55 AM MST
Life is good! I wish to share some quotes from Gangaji I found today, "I could see that everything I had identified as really me, was not really me, but was just a pattern of strategies to avoid some kind of abyss or emptiness." ..."Self is not liberated. It was never bound. What gets liberated are the demons as well as gods of your mind. Set them free. You are sick of playing with the game. Be willing to not play the game. This takes huge resolve." ..."The truth is you really are nothing, but this nothing is full, whole, infinite in everything and everywhere. This nothing is conciousness itself. It is already whole, complete and fulfilled. This is the amazing irony." ..."To be truly happy you must recognize who you are with nothing."
05-20-2014 5:50:20 AM MST
Everything that happens is in support of knowing the self, not your self or my self, those are illusion. I have no gender dysphoria... it is separation dysphoria the feeling of being separate from Prime Creator. These feelings I feel are all authentic to my experience and contain many parts of the whole. A culmination of my ancestors experience, I am an individuation of this aspect of mind, the One Mind. At best I will experience a tiny fraction of the whole but it will be my individual experience, my contribution to the knowing of self!
My present self would prefer to have nothing between her legs but then change occurs in steps, gradual stages of acceptance... I am that, I am.
Surgery was successful even with the incovenience of having a crown broken off which was replaced the next day. I feel very good about the surgery even if it did not go far enough. I must learn to accept my gifts and be happy with them. I chose this and it is one step closer to my ultimate goal of being genitalia free.
04-10-2014 3:37:24 PM MST
New developments since my last posting. My roommate has offered me $4k towards the surgery of my choice. So I have been thinking quite a lot about why and what I need to do. Of course Spiritually nothing at all, and physically I was perhaps ready for the full GRS/SRS five years ago, but now I am not so sure. I really don't see myself married again, esp. to a man. Yes, I do find myself very attracted to some men, but that does not mean I need a relationship. Marriage to me has been tainted beyond any practical use in this culture. The money based culture we live in taints all sacred things from my viewpoint. It disgusts me that I must have money just to get my basics living needs met and that this goes for any human being. But I digress, this is not about a moneyless society. This blog is about my decision to have surgery and how I might do that with only $4K. So I've been doing some research and found a Dr. Reed in N. Miami who will do an orchiectomy and scrotum tuck for $4K. I promised myself years ago, if I did this I would be able to walk around nude and not be questioned, so I really want the "bump" totally gone. I know I will not be female in this lifetime, but I am a woman and should at least look the part! My feminine identity is self evident to me, and now I pray it is to others. As a younster I played along becauase I don't like to make waves, and frankly that time is over. So the plan is to get my letters, travel to N. Miami and have the procedure done as soon as is practical. I need to come up with travel funds and housing while I am down there. Dad is sending me a little money so I think I have the airline tickets covered. How I get around down there and where I am staying I am not sure yet, but feel confident something will materialize. The best part of this I can stop taking the anti-androgen and cut back on the estrogen. I know this will help my overall health. As a side note, I tried doing without these meds and got very depressed, almost suicidal. So surgery is the next logical step on my journey. My soul has no sex and soon my body will not either! As Above, so Below.
02-20-2014 11:15:14 AM MST
I like having a life here online...a virtual life, because I know it is temporary and with a flick of a switch it can all be gone. But then from another view perhaps it is even more lasting than my human body. Digital data can last for hundreds of years, while our biological existence lasts only while we are alive and since I have chosen cremation nothing will be left but my digital words and musing. Ever wonder who this "I" is we so often reference? This all sounds like a feedback loop, LOL.
Colorado Gold Rush is this weekend and I will be receiving the HUGS (Happy U Gave Service) award for my volunteer efforts at Gender Identity Center of Colorado. This move to Denver has been food for the soul, esp. my work with the GIC. For some reason, I still don't quite feel I have reached my authentic self, probably due to my conflict between my sexual nature and my physical body. Being a male woman is fine till it comes to relationships, then I have difficulty reconciling the differences. No matter what a trans* person does, they are in effect homosexual, but I suppose it depends on what level this is viewed from, genetic, physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. God help me to embrace these perspectives and move through them. No more avoidance or deception.
01-14-2014 9:44:15 PM MST
Upon further research I feel like my life’s journey is to shift my polarity more towards the service to others (away from service to self). Also, while meditating I sense many of my past lives have been homosexual and perhaps self-centered. This must change and it is changing, I know this. My life is right on track, so far only having hetero relationships and the one “experiment” with a guy was in my mind and heart hetero since I was presenting and performing as a woman. The energy was dynamite, and this just tells me I am making progress.
It is really important for me to stay focused on hetero only relations. I am not totally convinced about trans* sex being hetero though. I know it is really about the energy shared during the encounter, and so far I feel I am on track, so I will continue to abstain for now. I love the gender I present now as it feels so right, it is just my sex is incongruent and just because I surgically alter my “equipment” does not insure proper polarization. When in doubt, sit it out.
There is no right or wrong way to love another, and this includes sex, so this is not about right or wrong. This is about POLARITY and ascension. My greatest desire is to express my Highest and Best good to all.
I have to say my presentation is most comfortable now even after 6yrs! I’m happy with this aspect of my life and also am happy with my career so far. I still have a nagging feeling I should be doing more, but I’m happy so what’s wrong with that? I will continue to work with both the GIC and GLP. Life goes on.
01-01-2014 12:09:32 AM MST
It has been a while since I have written in this journal so here it is. The question of “who am I” is an ongoing question that changes with time and yet I wonder if it really changes or only my perceptions are changing, not me per se. Homosexual sex does not appeal to me and in fact I find it undesirable (mentally). Physically some men excite me and some women are very attractive too, except I am not drawn to them for sex, meaning I am not aroused by them. I remember mulling this dilemma way back in my teens. Round and round we go! (A homophobic transsexual?)
I desire a relationship which is in both our Highest Interest…one where we both benefit, which I feel my past marriages have been, however not all my relationships seem beneficial. I suppose that is not up to me. I can see the best case scenario is one where I have surgery and then find a relationship with a man, because as it is now my relationships with women seem like same sex relations to me, so I’ve been homosexual all along! This all seems so insane. Ultimately the best answer is to give myself to God/Holy Spirit and go with where ever I am led. The bottom line is I must stop being judgmental and focus on Love. In order to do this I must nullify this homophobic programing I’ve been brainwashed with.
The New Year promises to be a very good year. I have a good feeling about surgery. It will manifest in 2014 and I can get on with my life. Not only did a psychic tell me it would be this year, but I feel it too. Insurance laws are changing and the doors are coming open! I don’t know where the resources will come from, and that is not really important, as long as they manifest. My path is clear. I am to work with the transgender community as a Transwoman, and the GIC seems like the perfect place to do so. Life goes on… Happy New Year!
10-07-2013 10:58:05 AM MST
As far as my transition goes, I am done. NOT! I don't believe anyone is ever done. Life is a process and it/you are constantly evolving. The direction this takes depends on your actions to some degree, however it is not just up to you. The Universe guides your path and even if you resist this path as I did for over 30yrs... resistance is futile. I have embraced this path now and happiness is the result. No more searching, only true living. I am here to enjoy the ride, not to steer or in any way control the outcome. Paradox and apparent contradiction is a daily experience now. The best part is this no longer upsets me, I expect it and embrace it from the observer perspective. Joy resides in the wonder of knowing Great Spirit, Infinite I, God paves my path in glory. Even the sad times are delicious now.
There comes a time when gender no longer matters, nothing really does, it is more about experiencing life for what it is and in doing so you discover who you are. If the Universe intends I have surgery to modify my sex then so be it, the path will be laid out with all the resources necessary to walk the path successfully. How beautiful I am depends on how I feel inside. Can I find Love wherever I look? So far so Good. I love the image in the mirror and looking back at old pics, I love the guy I used to be now also. There is no desire to go backwards, it is simply a realization of the miracle of life. I have always been beautiful! This is the Truth of God, all creation is Beautiful, only your experience of this changes. Seeing ugly is to see the lie! Spirit seems to love contradiction, and thus my life as a male woman...
09-09-2013 9:36:49 AM MST
My transition psychologist told me it would take 3-5 years to fully transition and it looks like he is correct (It has been over 6yrs since I started hormones). I think most people can expect similar. The physical is only a small portion of the journey. It really starts with the mental and spiritual connecting. The physical is simply the expression of this connection. When I look in the mirror now days I know how I feel inside - I can see it clearly. Love fills my being and I know all is well with the world.
I prefer to have an Orchiectomy instead of SRS because I have come to terms with my birth form. It has never been about a desire to "be" with men, although the thought has been deeply considered. Nor do I wish to "be" with women. Perhaps I am moving into an asexual phase of life. My gender is now in alignment and sex really does not matter to me any more. What does matter is friendship and companionship. It feels good to be around others, to be appreciated by them, and simply to be noticed. We all desire one thing, Love. I now realize it is who I am, not what I desire. I know this now, I feel it!! Love is all there is ♥
08-05-2013 3:37:44 PM MST
A post from a friend helped me see just how angry I am with myself. I am very angry with being transgender - with being different. It is the feeling you get when teams are being selected and you are skipped over. I so want to fit in, but I simply do not! Being a freak both in size and gender identity can be alienating and down right unpleasant. I have done my best to cope, I really have. But I am angry!!! As soon as I stop feeling sorry for myself, it will pass. This feels good to vent. I needed this. Please forgive me if I have offended you. My very presence is intimidating, I know because I have experienced it all my life. It is less so now that I am living as a woman, but it still exists. It does not matter how pretty I am, my size is intimidating and freakish. What a twisted world this is!!!
08-02-2013 10:40:41 AM MST
What does it mean to be a male woman? This is a question I have asked myself over and over. The evolution of the answer is evident in my life and body. Quite frankly I do not really know if I act like a woman or not. I suspect I have always had strong feminine characteristics which were not allowed to develop. Now they are dominant in my life and it feels good. While I still have male genitalia the rest of my body is female! This is a queer feeling but one I have grown used to. When I imagine my body with female genitalia or at least a vagina it feels good but queer also. I have also imagined no genitalia at all and frankly I am Ok with all three scenarios.
I have said this many times, my gender is not in question, I am woman. It is the sex which confoubles (confounds/troubles) me. The thought of using a penis as a man distresses me although I can do it and have. I find women attractive especially now I have stopped the Spironolactone. For me the sex glands determine the attraction, almost like flipping a switch! So I suppose I have the choice of being attracted to men or women depending on my glands! The longer I wait though; I wonder how much conditioning is involved? I would say some but not all that much; it depends on the person I am with. I have felt uncontrollable attraction to certain men as well as to certain women. It is almost like a higher force is driving my actions, thus my cosmology!
Fatalism tends to drive my life with a dose of free will mixed in for good measure. A thought will appear in my mind and get processed. It is either, acted upon, filed for later consideration, or dismissed. I suppose this is the rational mind. The holographic universe model seems to fit quite nicely. Steven Davis describes it well in his book, “Butterflies are Free to Fly”. He says we each have an “Infinite I” which directs the holographic movie we are each living through our “Individual I”. He equates it to a movie theatre where we are born into the theatre and “watch” our movie till we get up and move to the back of the theatre. This equates to awakening and all religions, spiritual groups, higher thought groups, etc. are at the back of the theatre. This is the first half of your life. The second half is when this no longer fulfills you and you leave the theatre which he equates with true enlightenment. Instead of things seeming against you, everything conspires in your favor. The journey is then about unlearning all you have learned and transforming to the butterfly. The theatre is like a cocoon. The amazing part is as important and significant as the “movie in the theatre” seems it is just a movie. At this point I feel like I have stepped into a room with brilliant light, so bright it is hard to see and disorienting. I feel good and strong, content in my identity, but confused as to what is next. Following this model though it does not matter, because I am not in control anyway! I am simply the observer, the one having the experiences. The “Infinite I” is the one who benefits from all this and it is the one directing the movie. This is all well and good, I am content with it all. So far the ride has been fun and I look forward to the “rest of the story”.
07-03-2013 9:06:44 AM MST
As much as I would love to just end it all, I know in my heart there is no end. No one ever dies, only the image dies, the physical body decays and from ashes it returns to ashes. The same as saying from Nothing it returns to Nothing. The Whole/All has expanded slightly, however life goes on! There is No Thing to be sad about and only images to Celebrate!
This said, Life is going on... Here I sit, writing away, my time has not come... yet. When the resources show up I will have GRS, however till such a time I will continue on the path laid before me. I am a Spiritual Counselor, Minister, and advocate for positive change. (meaning, a world of relative equality, sustainable living practices, and mature human behavior) I know this world begins with me, so I do my best in this pursuit. Most important to me is living an authentic life, being true to my inner self, and helping others do the same.
Here is a quote I took off Facebook, it speaks to my soul!
"A goddess is a woman who emerges from deep within herself. She is a woman who has honestly explored her darkness and learned to celebrate her light. She is a woman who is able to fall in love with the magnificent possibilities within her. She is a woman who knows of the magic and mysterious places inside her, the sacred places that can nurture her soul and make her whole. She is a woman who radiates light. She is magnetic. She walks into a room and male and female alike feel her presence.
She has power and softness at the same time. She has powerful sexual energy that’s not dependent on physical looks. She has a body that she adores and it shows by the way she comfortably lives and moves in it. She cherishes beauty, light and love. She is a mother to all children. She flows with life in effortless grace. She can heal with a look or a touch of the hand. She is fiercely sensual and fearlessly erotic and engages in sex as her way to share with another in touching the divine. She is compassion and wisdom.
She is seeker of Truth and cares deeply about something bigger than herself. She is a woman who knows that her purpose in life is to reach higher and rule with love. She is woman in love with love. She knows that joy is her destiny and by embracing it and sharing it with others, wounds are healed. She is a woman who has come to know that her partner is as tender, lost, and frightened as she has been at times. She has come to understand the scars of the boy in him and knows that together, love can be the relief, the healing of their wounds.
She is a woman who can accept herself as she is. She can accept another as they are. She is able to forgive her mistakes and not feel threatened by another’s even when attacked. She is a woman who can ask for help when she needs it or give help when asked. She respects boundaries, hers and another’s. She can see God in another’s eyes. She can see God in her own. She can see God in every life situation. She is woman who takes responsibility for everything she creates in her life.
She is a woman who is totally supportive and giving. She is a Goddess…"
05-08-2013 7:34:03 AM MST
A mental inventory:
I was born male and raised this way. Puberty seemed wrong to me, but I did my best to accept things as they appeared. I prefer to wear feminine clothing and wear makeup, in effect dress as a woman. Although I get no pleasure from wearing dresses or "girly" things. I do get pleasure from wearing lipstick and have for as long as I can remember, perhaps the age of 9 or so. I love having my hair long although styling I prefer to leave to others. It is fun to visit the salon! I suppose this makes me a male woman. (or perhaps simply that I imprinted on my Mother) My interests lay in scientific and metaphysical pursuits, the point beyond the mainstream teachings, perhaps the estoteric. I love nature and feel a deep connection to her. Lately I have been hearing the dolphins and whales calling to me. They are my creator, I am their dream. I am being called home.
Sexually I am attracted mostly to women, but it is not that simple. My attraction is to their personality, clothing, and demeanor, not their sexuality. The thought of sex with a woman makes me ill. Cuddling, yes, affection, yes, but actual intercourse, NO. I desire intercourse with a man. To have him hold me and thrust his life within me as I lay submissive under him. One of the best sexual experiences of my life was with a korean/american man who excited my passions like no other ever has. While I did have wonderfully pleasing sex with my second wife/partner, it was pleasing because I met her needs and we climaxed together - 3 times in a row! What this makes my sexual orientation I cannot say and I am not sure a label would help matters. I love whom I am supposed to, driven to, and it is that simple. I hold no particular identity with any of the alphabet soup (LGBTQ...). I am me and doing the best I can to love and be loved.
04-03-2013 11:52:46 AM MST
As editor for the news update at Gender Identity Center of Colorado I recently came across an article by Dr. Anne Vitale, http://www.avitale.com/PostOpPlusFive.htm, which highlights her experience as a therapist with post-op transsexuals who are 5+ years after GRS. The comments where fascinating and of no real surprise to me. It echo’s my own feelings on transition. So far, I still have “T-poisoning” as so many transsexuals call it, meaning I am pre-op but there is a reason for this. As far as I can tell through all my studies of quantum physics, spirituality, and religious teachings I was born perfect, despite the perceived birth defects society pointed out. My body is male with a slightly low testosterone level throughout my life. My breasts have always been large for a male, and my interests have always skewed toward traditional woman’s activities. I detest most male oriented activities such as fighting, working on cars or things mechanical, sports are ok, but really of no great interest and while I did enjoy being physical at times it was mostly because I had “T” running through my body. The things which did excite me were exploration and discovery. I enjoyed being around those who supported me (who doesn’t?), and I enjoyed hanging out with the women, my mother included. This has not changed in 52 yrs! This said, the article was one we can all relate to on a certain level, because it comes down to this "Am I good enough just as I am"?
The article reminded me of what I have concluded recently and this is my body is perfect just as it is! I am just who I am meant to be, the culmination of years (perhaps lifetimes) of environmental, social, mental, and physical input. My teachings lead me to understand DNA is modified by the environment and I am not just given a bag of genes which stay with me forever. I am evolving always and all ways, just as we all are. This is a good thing. This puts my perceptions into focus as well as confirms them. I am both male (between my legs) and female (between my ears). The details I get to fill in. No matter what the details are I do not fit into the sexual binary and gender constructs of our present society. I accept this. It is time for me to move on, to get on with my life so to speak. How important is fitting in? This depends on my mood at the time. Intellectually it is not important at all, but emotionally it is huge! We all just want to be loved and have the opportunity to love. If this is fulfilled then the rest is much less important. For me I start with myself. Loving myself just as I am is my focus now. The other issue which weighs heavily on my mind is polarity because I know this is the fire which fuels our growth. At the moment I feel rather neutral (I used to be known as Even Steven) so not much has change inside. I do love the way I dress and get to express myself, but at the same time I am deeply depressed about my relationship to other people, romantic or otherwise. I crave physical contact more than ever now that I take estrogen. I have arrived at a Paradox. Where to from here? The options are many so I trust in the Divine to guide my path and lead me home.
02-19-2013 10:46:51 AM MST
I have had two successful personal relationships with wonderful souls who helped me tremendously as I pray I have done for them. I did my best with my family loving them as best I could and when I could see they needed space or were not ready to deal with me, I moved on. Each and every person in my life is there for a reason and I am so grateful to them for their supporting role! I love you each in my own way, whether it seems it or not. I have owned two homes and lived in many. I have pursued hobbies (cacti/succulents, minerals, and photography, and hiking in nature) which brought joy to my life and fulfilled an inner yearning for expression. I still love to spend time in beautiful natural settings, but then don’t we all? I have transitioned to the person I feel myself to be. I am very happy with my presentation now, it feels perfectly natural! The point of all this is simply this, I am done. Or at least I feel done; I am at peace with this lifetime! I have done all that I have come here to do or at least that is the way it feel to me. I have no desire to work or achieve anything else. My self-assigned job of inspiring others and supporting them on their journeys has taken center stage because it full-fills me! My Joy is your Joy. My Love is your Love.
Where to from here? I have no idea, so I am going to check in with my inner source with help from a LBL Therapist. I pray I get the guidance I need at this juncture. I few things I have learned along the way are life never ends; even when we leave our bodies behind, our Oversoul moves on to the next step. I also know each time we awaken in the morning is a new day and new opportunity to experience life. Nothing needs to be done, however you may wish to do things. I am in a resting period right now it seems. I am fine with this, but keep feeling I should be doing more. I know this is not “true”.
01-10-2013 3:54:24 PM MST
This Journal has just been made public again, so read all you like! The comment section does work, but it does not notify me when I comment is posted, so if you wish me to read it please email me and let me know the date of the journal post. If I could change this I obviously would, but alas that is an extra feature apparently. I appreciate your support and share this journal because God supports me...us ;-)
12-26-2012 9:55:37 PM MST
Life is good! The end of the world has come and gone, all is well. I feel really good about where I am in the journey and still have no aspirations or feel I must achieve anything further in this lifetime. If I get the money I will have the orchi, if not that is fine too. If I get a car I remain determined the vehicle will get 40mpg at least. I don't really care where I live although Denver is getting a bit boring and comfortable. It is time to go somewhere tropical, just not sure where at this point. February is the target date for a trip. Maybe I will take a cruise or jump a ship to Australia or something. A train ride sounds fun too. Maybe I could do that in Australia. Did I mention I prefer having the orchi asap? Anyway, The end of the year is only a few days away now, so I will wish myself a Happy New Year 2013. May the Highest and Best Good manifest for me, myself, and I :-)
12-12-2012 11:10:27 PM MST
It is funny how my feelings have changed over the past month or so. I no longer take anti-androgens and my desires to be with a man have subsided to the point now that I prefer to be with women, although I think sex is out for me all the way around. It does not interest me right now. This may change, but whatever it is all good. I will still get the Orchi when the funds come in, just keeping things simple. I feel my polarity is fairly neutral at the moment. I don't feel feminine or masculine. I am simply me. This is the way I want it too! I love my name, the way I dress, wearing makeup when the moods strikes me, and letting my hair grow as long as it wants to. If you see me as female, great... or if you see me as male in womans clothing, that is fine too. I am transgender and that pretty much sums it up! Life goes on.