A few things are on my mind today and the first is the Transgender journey.  How does this journey relate to the Spiritual journey?  This question has been floating around for over a week now and it came to me today.  The message is to see everyone you meet as a Spiritual Being, not a man, woman, child, ugly, beautiful, fat, sick, strong, or whatever you may see them as.  We are each a Beloved Child of God (substitute your chosen title here) who is a Spiritual being first and foremost.  The Human being part is secondary but still very important.  The Human experience is HOW we experience this Spiritual being that we are!  There is no right way or wrong way to experience our beingness.  There is only who we are in this lifetime.  When we have fulfilled our purpose here and grown suffiently we will move on to bigger and better things/experiences/states of being.  If we try to force things by ending the journey we simply start over again from the beginning, much like a board game - return to home and do not collect $200, LOL. 

One a different subject I am taking a class on The Conscious Feminine Woman and I cannot say enough praise for this course.  One of the major points she makes is that we each have both masculine and feminine which we all know, but that one is primary in each person which remains this way from birth throughout our entire lifetime.  I have been living in my secondary gender for most of my life up until I made the shift full time last year.  My Primary Essense has taken over now - the Divine Feminine!  I am so overjoyed to be saying that and feeling it!  If you would like to learn more about your feminine essense, http://theyinproject.com/Yin/seminar/, sign up for free and the classes are recorded so you can catch up on your own time. 

After a great weekend of visiting with a friend, going to a concert, enjoying some Italian food, and watching some good movies I have come to the conclusion that life is simple.  We are all here to Love and Be Loved!  Gotta just Love it ;-))   I LOVE YOU

To update my progress so far, I went to the doctor this week and had a small "spot" removed on my left shoulder.  It will be analysed to see what kind of cells where there.  I am thinking pre-cancerous basal cells, but will leave that up to the universe.  They got it pretty early so I am not concerned at all.  Simply one of those things that come from fair skin and too many sunburns.  The life of a redhead, oh well.  Mom was much the same and she lived a long and happy life, and so will I.  On a different subject I have big plans this weekend, going to a concert at Mile-Hi Church and hanging out with a friend.  This will be my first "sleep over" and I am giddie with excitement ;-)  Not knowing what a teenage girl feels like I cannot say that I feel that way, but I do feel like a youngster growing up all over again!

Let me comment here on my horomones that I am very grateful to be getting no charge from the Clinic in Denver.  The physical changes have slowed and so far I am not impressed with how the oral premarin is making me feel.  The Estroderm patches had a more consistant feminine mood to them if you know what I mean and my breast development was better too.  I have no idea what my estrogen levels are, and can only go on the feel.  My recommendation to you is to use the trans-dermal patches if you can afford it though.  As soon as my income goes back to normal I will be switching back too.  I actually have a plan to get back on Estroderm within a month or so.  The other component that I am impressed with is Fincar or Proscar which is an anti-androgen which my doctor has had me on for a year now and I must say that my hair is very feminine now, soft, short and natural on my body and long, sexy on my head. 

With my graduate studies now taking a large portion of my time and the ministerial work take the rest I am finding it harder to comment here, but here goes.  It occurred to me today that I could be experiencing egoic resistance to my transition.  Up until a few years ago I allowed ego to rule my life and make my choices for me, but no longer.  I follow my heart and soul now and cannot describe the Joy and freedom I feel because of this.  I must admit that my transition is effecting more than I realized and most if not all aspects of my being are changing.  I must release the man that never was to allow the woman who I really am to emerge.  The scale will tip to the feminine side now and for a while till a balance with my masculine can equalize.  I see now that the ego is keeping me from expressing my femme fully with it's occupation with the superficial.  My Goddess is emerging and loving all she encounters, including my ego!  I know beyond any shadow of doubt that I am abundant, vibrant and sexy - full of Love to share with all and embracing the physical changes that come with transition with care and loving acceptance.  My desire to finish my electrolysis and have my surgery are greater than ever!!!   In the interest of my vibrant health and glowing beauty I pray the journey of physical transformation continues with Godspeed!

Been a great week so far.  I went to gender meetings last Saturday, Monday night, and Thursday night.  The picnic on sat. at the GICC was wonderful with loads of good food and lots of loving people to visit with, it is always nice to meet new people.  Of course I enjoy seeing my old friends too ;-).  Monday night went well, as I just love the relaxed atmosphere and genuine concern I feel at those meetings.  Thursday I went to GLBT Center and picked up my reading material for the Transgender 101 course I will be lecturing on in the near future.  As part of my Masters in Adult Education and Training I have to put my skills to use and Crystal was very gracious to allow me to do just that!  Thank you so much Crystal!  I am so grateful for all the wonderful opportunities that have come up and for all the fantastic people I have met here in the Denver area.  The meeting that followed on Thursday night went very well!  I knew only the leader of the group so it was nice to meet even more new faces.  The quality of people I have met at these gender meetings so far is just awesome.  Such lovely people, that I am proud to be a member of the GLBT Center and GICC communities!  I am working on developing a course to offer with my Spiritual Counseling business that is slanted toward transition.  I have some really great ideas that I will be rolling out in the next few weeks.  Keep an eye out and remember if you need anyone to talk to, just drop me a line.  :~)

YAY, we are on the path to equality in the eyes of the masses!  Of course this starts at home, right in the middle of your heart.  I am so grateful to be a part of a society that accepts and honors all citizens!  There are no exceptions in God's Love, so there are none in mine!  Here is an article you may find interesting that I wrote today.

http://sequoiablessed/page12

Just a short note to say that I did get the energy to go downtown and visit with Cathryn at the Center, but not much was going on and after visiting for a few hrs I came home.  Writing about my feelings definitely helped release the emotional pain I was feeling.  Today is a new day and well here we are, the end of the line.  I have riden this poney till she is lame and I am not sure if either of us can go on.  I have been optimistic, hopeful, positive and loving to the best of my abilities.  All I feel like right now is the journey has taken me to a box canyon and my poney just died.  Here are my options as I see it.  Continue doing what I am doing and hope for a job and to make enough to get out of debt plus create the person I feel that I am (Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results).  Or end it all here, right now.  The delimma with ending it is that I am not a murderer, plain and simple, "though shall not kill".  I have been looking for a loop-hole in that statement and have not been able to find one.  In a way even "natural death" is suicide since we create our own reality.  From what I have been taught, death is an illusion! (Jesus made this point 2k yrs ago)  It is interesting that he knew he would be killed and did nothing to stop it, so in fact this is suicide since he could have prevented his death!  Allowing another to do what you are not willing to do is still making the choice to do it.  So where does this put me?  Sigh...   Of course Jesus allowed his death to make a point.  It was sort of like hitting your hand with a hammer and saying "see it didn't hurt!".  I have surrendered to Holy Spirit so many times I have lost count.  My drive to go on, to move forward is about spent, heck it is gone.  If I could roll over and pass on right now I would, but somehow I am afraid that is not going to happen.  I could use a massive Miracle right now.  Not just the average finding water when you are thirsty miracle, but a big one that shifts my perspective to the point of flying and beyond! 

Today I was planning on going downtown to The Center where they have a gender support group from 4-6pm.  My emotions have fallen to pieces this afternoon and I just am not up to going.  The reasons for this are multifaceted and include finances, reviewing the choices I have made, and some of the choices I have yet to make.  The one thing that I am happy about is my decision to go back to school at University of Phoenix to get my Masters in Adult Education and Training.  I think this will be a great career choice for me and should be the avenue I need to get the kind of work I am looking for.  When coupled with my Ministry work I hope to make a real impact on the world, in a positive way.  The emotional storm is growing so I will sign off for now.  Doubts about every decision I have ever made seem to be erupting within me now, so I am going to lay down and surrender to Spirit, it is my only Hope. 

I discovered last week that I do not need SNAP benefits(food stamps) since I was not approved.  Seems I have to be working 20hrs a wk since I am a full time student.  Well I start classes on Tues this week and have my first assignment done already.  I feel so abundant and alive right now.  There is something big and wonderful in the works I can feel it!  Not sure exactly what it is but I know it is wonderful.  Last week was full each night with some kind of meeting and the highlight was friday night when I went to MileHi church for Gender Varient 101.  My friend Dora sat next to me and the room was full of beautiful souls that I so connected with.  The feeling of Love that I feel and felt that night is almost overwhelming.  I know that I am where I am supposed to be and living the life I was meant to all along.  I have awakened and it is glorious.  Much like buds on a rose bush, when one blooms many others follow as they know it is time!  May your Flower be a beautiful reflection of who you are!  If I where a flower I would be....a lotus.

In keeping with my mantra that "I always have what I need", today I went and applied for SNAP benefits (food stamps).  The process is simple and I came home with two big bags of food!  YAY.  I have an interview on Thurs. to confirm my history and then things will be finalized in about 10days.  The good news is that I got a card (like a debt card) today that will be charged up in 7 days from today.  So next week I am going shopping for food again!  I am so excited to be able to get my own food again.  Although I am deeply grateful for my friends who continue to support me!  I have my own room and I eat dinner in the evening with everyone in the house which at this time is 4-5 depending on whether their son is over.  It is very much like living in a convent or monestary where the environment is peaceful and calming.  I have no idea what my next job will be, but I am open to the Universal good of all who are concerned.  I have so much to offer!   Life is good and very GOOD. 

Wow, it has been too long since my last entry so let me get you up to date.  Still putting in job applications and feeling good about my prospects.  Had an interview last week but I really need more hours than that, 8 a week is not going to work.  I need at least 20hrs/wk.  The other big project I have started is school.  Upon much reflection and self contemplation I have decided teaching is my next career move, as this is in harmony with my true self and since my life is dedicated to my "own self be true" this is the path I have chosen.  My nature is to inspire others, to go with the flow and maintain my connection to Spirit at all times, while reminding others to do the same.  On the 15th I start Univ. of Phoenix and will be getting my Masters in Adult Education.  As a minister and a teacher my message is simple, love yourself, be aware of as much as possible, and accept all that you encounter with Love.  I will be teaching these principles while educating the public on Transgender issues, promoting Equal Rights for all, and focusing on Peace.  Actually I am very excited for I see wonderous things happening in the next few years!  I will go to work in the next few weeks, get back on my feet by the end of the year and move out on my own.  Then I will focus on school and work, while in the background create the SRS that I need.  I also plan on getting the electrolysis that I need to clear my face and neck, which actually will be first priority.  All is going as planned and I am so grateful to be here in Denver!  Life could get very busy in the near future, but I will do my best to keep you up to date.  Oh, almost forgot, I went to the free clinic yesterday and got my horomones that I need, so I am still on track with this - Thank GOD!  All is well ;-)

I am contemplating life tonight and what it is that I desire.  I teach that all we must do is stay focused on that which we desire and anything is possible so it is time again for me to put that to practice.  Here is my vision of the next few years anyway.  My home now is the Denver area so I will stay in this vicinity, I hope to find a wonderful transwoman to room with and move out on my own in the next 6mos or sooner.  I do enjoy my independence, buying my own food, and living in my own little world, although there is great benefit in sharing with others and I find that easy too.  I am thinking a 2BR/2BA apartment or house.  These past 2mos have been great, but I am ready to go to work and make some money, which I will need for my plan to unfold.  The talks I have with my therapist/counselor are wonderful, informative and inspiring so I would love to have those every month or so.  I will continue to take the HRT (hormone replacement therapy) as I love the way my body looks and feels now.  I see myself getting my hair done soon and my nails too since I had to let the pretty acrylic go.  Someday in the future I will start dating and will begin with a transwoman or a man.  I will have to see if I am attracted to a man enough to be intimate which is doubtful until I have the SRS.  Feeling a man inside me would indeed be awesome, I know this!  I pray I find a way to have surgery in the next few years.  I have already spent 48yrs in this body, and the sooner I correct a few things the better.  I even thought about doing an orchiectomy myself but I know that would really mess things up.  I hear the girls(Hedras) in India do it with about a 50% survival rate, uhhggg?  Not a pretty picture.  So I am a patient woman and vow to have the money I need in 24mos!  I am open to expected and unexpected paths that lead to having the SRS that I need.  I also plan on having my trachea shaved and if I have extra money I would have my breasts reshaped without having implants.   Overall I am very happy with my body, I am pretty, I am strong, and I am resilient!  I don't see myself getting married again in the next 5 yrs, but I will not say never.  My business will be diverse and multifaceted keeping me busy but also allowing for plenty of me time to relax.  Quiet and simple, that is how I see my life from now on.  Life is good, and very GOOD.

Today is a new day and I am feeling fine now.  I had an anxiety attack this morning about my ex.  I miss her so much, and I had no idea how much this could hurt.  I suppose this is what she went through when I moved out a few years ago and I was on "my journey" caught up in myself and my issues, while she was trying to figure out what had happened!  I see that now and I feel it too!!!  My first marriage and divorce was hard, but not this difficult.  Oh my goodness, relationships are so amazing.  If your goal is to soar to the Moon and then fall to the depths of the marianna trench then fall in Love....  From a Spiritual Journey point of view I can see why I am doing all this, which is the death of my ego.  I die each day, over and over(or so the ego would have me believe).  What is left is Love.  Simple, huh...just ask Jesus.  His ego died too!  Actually it is more like letting it go, becoming deaf to it's advice and moving beyond it altogether.  Since life is eternal (Jesus proved this) we never really die totally, the Truth always exists and that which falls away is illusion.  What we see in the mirror is where we are this moment and my view has changed a lot lately.  I am so Joyous to look in the mirror these days!  I Love the person I see in the mirror!  Here I am on this wonderous journey of Love and feeling sorry for myself in this moment of self doubt and I see the folly in this, LOL.  I sure am glad I can cheer myself up ;-)  

(Guess who called, while I was writing this blog, more evidence that there is but one Mind - the Mind of God and that mind is my Mind NOW)

Not sure what I am supposed to be doing if anything concerning my job search.  I just got a "turn down" message from a company I applied with 6mos ago back in TN!  I really don't think the internet is the best way to apply for jobs, even in this advanced day and age.  Of course I am also pretty sure that my transition is one reason I am not getting calls.  I am giving myself to the end of the month and then I will have to do something, not sure what.  My biggest issue right now is that I feel like I don't fit anywhere.  I thought Denver would be a good choice, but am having doubts about that now.  There are a lot of good or high vibrations here, but they are not in the job market!  Once again I surrender to Holy Spirit, trusting that all is well, and grateful to be alive.

Today I took off my acrylic nails because they had grown out too much and were falling off anyway.  Since I only have a few dollars right now I will be using this time to give my nails a break and allow them to grow out naturally for a while.  I am sure a job is waiting on me and that I will be getting good news shortly!  My horomones will last about another two weeks or so, and the estrogen will last about a week more.  I have a check on the way, but am not sure how long it will take to get here.  I pray it is soon!  As they say, all good things in good time.  I am who I am and that continues to change in appearance only.  I am feeling more natural everyday. 

I feel much better this morning.  My dream last night was a good one with me as Sequoia( they have been of Steven lately).  I was wearing a beautiful lime green long sleeve jacket and skirt, pantyhose and lime green flats!  I would so love to find a nice pair of flats, but anyway I feel as if a part of me did died yesterday.  My prayers were answered and here "I" am.  I release the guilt of my past and move foward with the rest of my life.  I am grateful to be me.  I still feel some pain and tightness in my right mid-back, but it is better.  I felt this once before about the time I came out to my partner and to the rest of my family in Aug, 2004 (five years ago to this week).  My parents have known about the crossdressing since high school, but probably just thought it was a phase.  It is not a phase!  It is what it is, but it definately is not a phase.  My first full year as a woman is not till October, so I am doing well. 

The angels are looking after me!  I just wrote a long, dark entry about how bad I felt today and poof it is all gone - off into cyberspace, erased.  I will not repeat myself because I got it off my chest and we will leave it that way.  To summerize, I feel like a male woman if that is possible.  I wonder if I am supposed to live life in this body as it was given me knowing that I am female at heart?  I have cried my eyes out today and am glad it is now time for bed.  Thank God for allowing me to make it through another day!

After tonights transgender support meeting I have concluded that I am more comfortable in groups that include lesbian woman and are more general.  The general group that meets the night before this I find far more enjoyable and will continue to attend.  As far as support I find little in TG groups and they usually are talking about something I care little about, but  then I am at a stand still in my transition.  I expect a check in the mail anytime now, but until it arrives I have no funds for any procedures or even more horomones.  If I had 50 grand in the bank maybe it would be different because I would be out shopping for surgeons and electrolygists.  The only surgery I really want is the SRS and trachea shave, otherwise I am very comfy with my body.  If I have to live like this the rest of my life I am fine with that, but I would prefer having those two surgeries as soon as possible.  The LBT group I attended in Knoxville was far better than this one and that may be because it was spiritually oriented.  I am more comfortable around lesbians and woman in general.  Some guys are attractive, but with most of them I am uncomfortable.  This may have something to do with not being ready for sexual encounters right now, I am not sure. 

"Gender is not so much how people see you, but how you see the world."

I ran across this quote recently and had to stop and think.  How do I see the world?  If I saw the world as a woman would I even know?  Does my skin/appearence really make that much difference? 

This is what I know.  I don't feel any different today than I did a year ago or even 5 yrs ago.  Basically I am the same person on an emotional basis.  Physically I am very different, my face has rounded, my hips broadened, my breasts grown, body hair is gone and my skin is softer.  The thought of wearing men's clothes makes me very anxious to the point of "I am going to freak out".  The little hair I have on my face makes my stomach turn when I feel it.  My long hair style feels great and very natural.  Sexual thoughts very rarely enter my mind now and do more to perplex me than anything else as they have always done.  My body used to react to these thoughts, but no longer.  My attractions though have changed a little as I am more attracted to men now.  I have always thought that certain men and certain woman are attractive and this has not changed.  It is not a sexual attraction but one of asthetics.  I have always been attracted to beauty and always will be.  The amount and nature of beauty has grown quite a bit lately, I see it everywhere now.  I cannot remember seeing an ugly person, only some more attractive than others.  When I see a dress in a display window I usually think whether I would wear it and is it pretty or not, with the thought "I doubt it would fit" not far behind.  If I see a man's suit I usually imagine feeling the material next to my face and think it either would look nice on a man or not.  I sometimes think about I used to wear those things and feel grateful that no longer am I restricted to that.  If I had to wear a suit to work in, I would find that difficult even if it was made for a woman.  I love the fact that in hospitals we all wear the same clothing!  I would love to live in an androgenous society where everyone was similar but different.  One where sex was not an issue, and we reproduced asexually or by test tube or something.  Now I sit here thinking...passionate sex is a awesome feeling, but it is so out of control and so brief....  Is it all or nothing with me?  It would seem so.  Anyway, how do I see the world?  I am not sure I know a male or female view point, I only know mine. 

I am ready!  Either to live or to die.  An autobiography is only a story and is mearly a faint shadow of the individual.  While I am in no hurry, I embace all possibilities, so here is my Obituary as I think would sound good. 

As a footnote, I prefer to be cremated and my ashes put in the water that runs to the ocean.  I wish no memorial or headstone or any physical identifers what so ever.  For I am only ashes blowing in the wind...I do not exist. (originally written Aug. 11, 2007)

I am feeling right on these days and my appearance is just as I feel it should be.  The job search continues and I have not only the economy to deal with but my appearance change as well.  I really have not changed as far as my mind goes.  So I remain hopeful that the perfect job will appear very soon if it has not already.  I continue to write on Hubpages and here is my lastest Hub, http://hubpages.com/hub/ENDA-and-GLBT-Rights-against-Discrimination.  I enjoy writing and only need to build my confidence some and I could make a career out of it.  I plan on working harder at getting a paying job, since there are a lot of writing jobs out there.  My faith remains strong!

Looking back at my choice to divorce it boils down to which is more important sex or love.  I Love her now more than ever.  What I did was in the name of Love, and what I thought best for her and for me at the time.  The sexual issues were our downfall.  In this moment of weakness I miss her terribly, the emotional support and the physical closeness especially.  If this makes me a lesbian then so be it.  I know she does not identify this way and thus we are now many miles apart.  I cannot remember ever missing anyone like this before.  I feel so weak and cannot imagine being with another person.  What have I done? 

I read recently that a broken heart is at least open.  My heart is gaping wide now, may all you find inside be Love, Understanding, and Forgiveness.  I am so grateful for this experience for that which does not kill me makes me stronger.  Pain extends the depth of our being, but be assured I am not suffering.  It is my choice to savor this Love as I know that it can never die. 

One more blog today that came to me during meditation and while reading the book "When everything changes, Change Everything".  So here goes.... My body is something I was given and it reflects in my life the many gifts I have gotten that I do not want.  It has been my observation that very often when I receive a gift it is something that I do not want.  So the answer is not having what you want, but wanting what you have!  Can I return this gift?  This body that is too large, of the wrong sex, and just not fitting me at all?  I am a small woman with dainty features and a big heart - kind, compassionate, and caring.  All I really want is nothing.  I don't want to do anything, be anything or even exist!  I want God to go away and take me with.  This must be why I like to travel and why I am always moving away it seems.  I am like a tree who is dreaming of a mystical voyage to far away places only to awaken right were it is, rooted in the earth.  Actually trees are always moving and yet not going anyplace!  Just lay beneath one and watch the banches sway this way and that.  Ahh..., to really enjoy the gift I was given.  Don't I deserve to have what I want?  I will as soon as I can learn to want what I have!

Let me take this opportunity to thank all my readers for their support.  I hope you have gained insight to the transition journey.  As part of my career change I am writing more and more.  Please check out my Hubpages articles at this address: http://hubpages.com/profile/sequoiablessed.  Let me know if you like them and if you have any suggestions for new articles I am happy to entertain them (the suggestions of course). 

Today I went to a GICC meeting and met the most wonderful people.  I choose to go on Monday night hoping to get more socializing and as usual my prayers where answered.  It was a small group with only four of us there, so we got to talk more and we talked about all sorts of things.  It was a great time and I am so grateful to each of them there tonight.  It has been a bit lonely here putting in job applications and writing all day long.  I would of thought that after putting in 20 applications that I am more than qualified for I would at least get one phone call....  Anyway I did get a new lead today for a job so we will allow all the goodness to flow my way.  I am feeling very prosperous these days and that is a good thing.  Sort of feel like a won something big, not sure what it is but it is valuable.  Could be a new car, or a house, or even the jackpot lottery!   I feel wonderful!!  Thank you for Loving me!!  I am the richest woman in the world ;-)