02-14-2011 11:02:41 PM PST
It is funny how I write messages here when I am feeling down, I suppose it cheers me up to get these thoughts off my mind. I have all that I have asked for and believed in. The big leap I plan on making this year is to have surgery so I can stop taking these meds. I really prefer not taking any meds at all and I am doing very well at balancing my life without the use of drugs. (any pharmaceutical is a drug). I like my body now and would like it better if I could wear pants without a bulge. I know that most of this is in my head, but I still have these thoughts of inadequacy and worthlessness. The harder I try the harder it gets! The paradox is I am happy with the life I have, but I feel guilty for having what I want. Please forgive these foolish thoughts….
02-07-2011 11:09:52 AM PST
I saw the gateway this morning during meditation and had a dream earlier that I was unworthy of crossing the Golden Gateway. This is the bridgeway to higher (frequency) existance and has nothing to do with anything of the 3rd dimension. I think this was a significant dream that relates back to my childhood feelings. These are feelings I have not dealt with as yet, however I am in the process of doing it now. My heart feels lighter today because my sight is deeper. It is so important to embrace the Love that you feel and not be shamed of it because it does not comform to society or what you believe is expected of you. Sex is an expression of God's Love and nothing more or less. Ego mind gets a hold of it and distorts it for selfish reasons. If you are not getting enough Love, it means you are not GIVING enough!!! I see this so clearly now :-)
02-02-2011 11:39:10 AM PST
I have now relocated to Penn Valley or Lake Wildwood, CA. My friend Bonnie has offered her space to me and I have agreed to help around the house, finish some painting and remodeling work. I think this will work out fabulously. I continue with my ministry and am looking for ways to bring in income online. The eBook is one avenue and I am open to donations. If you feel it in your heart and pocket book to make a donation, it is greatly appreciated. So far my applications for employment are turning up nil. Truth be known if money was not required to live in society today I doubt many people would be doing the work they are now doing. I am doing exactly what I love to do and feel that I am bringing value to the world. Look for new educational additions to the website soon.
Society is dangerously straying down a path of no return. I can see that and have taken action to protect myself and at the same time shout this message to as many as who will listen. This movie explains it all very nicely. Just be prepared with 2:41 hrs of your attention. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z9WVZddH9w
The solutions they offer are indeed intriguing and quite possibly the best solution to our dilemma. The scary part will be getting to the point where the world is ready for this. In order to do this, we must empty our cup, meaning completely dismantle the entire economic system in the world today. This probably means forgoing all governments and creating a system that puts individuals in control of their own life. It means following the souls guidance and putting no one in authority. It means having Faith in your fellow man/woman, and it means following the Golden rule - Do onto others as you would have done onto you.
01-21-2011 11:47:23 PM PST
I got the official word today about my application to Jim Collins foundation for assistance with my SRS. The answer was we regret to inform you... You can re-apply in March for the next yearly cycle. Sigh...
What does this mean? I will probably pursue getting an orchiectomy done as soon as possible. Which means I need to have employment to get the loan for the 4k it will take to get it done right. I plan on having an inguinal procedure done, because they remove the entire seminal cord that way. I would like to have the prostate removed too, but that is more money than I care to get into. As long as my body no longer produces testosterone I am happy. Maybe a job will come along that will meet my needs, maybe it won't. I get the feeling it is out of my hands. Meaning the decisions have already been made a long time ago in a place far far away.
I had two interviews this week and neither has a positive outcome, other than I got some practice, had a nice chat and visited an old friend. The lab assistant job was a need you asap, and they have not called back, so I figure that is out. The other interview for CPE turns out they have all positions filled so I am on standby at best. I also need to take one unit of CPE before I can get into that. Doubt that will happen.
01-14-2011 10:31:14 AM PST
Had a dream last night of a cougar or mountain lion walking toward me and I pointed this out to my female friend, not sure who, the cat came to me and rubbed next to my face, went behind me and when I turned around it had morphed into young girl with leopard spots, but no fur. I then realized with my female friends help that she needed assistance. She was having her first menses and I ended up giving her a douche, several times till all the blood was washed away. I then had the thought that this was me, and that I had had my GRS surgery. So I see this as a good sign that I will be having surgery soon. I have also been having dreams of jumping off very high places and instead of falling, I float gently down and if I want I can stop and float up. They are very impowering dreams were I feel immortal. A part of me is scared that my ego is taking over, but this feeling is very small now. I am confident that these are messages from my Higher Self that I am on the right track. I feel that ascension is in my future. I have seen my ascended self as a bright figure of light in humanoid form but no features, able to change shape and pulsating with intense energy. The light is white with rainbow colors at the fringes of the light all the way around the outside of what ever shape I am in. Needless to say I feel deep Joy and Peace in this image and deep down all seems perfectly in place. All is in order.
01-11-2011 9:06:10 PM PST
Good news, today I spoke to my psychologist and he is ready to issue my second letter recommending SRS/GRS. With that done I am all set to have surgery, except for the financing that is. The Jim Collins Foundation has not gotten back with me about my application, so at least I know it is not a no. I await a Yes. Come the end of April my window for the scheduled surgery will disappear.
So far I have had little luck getting a job. I have a place to live, but no way to repay my school loan, cover living expenses or pay for further transition (GRS, electrolysis). At least I will have a Masters degree ;-)
Part of me is excited for the future, but most of me is terrified at getting out in this world. I feel like I have succeeded, and there is nothing left for me in this world. Sort of like the feeling you get when you successfully complete a rubic cube or climb to the top of a mountain, what is left but to navigate back down the mountain and pray you don't fall. As you know, it is easier going up than it is coming back down again. If I could just find a good hand glider or maybe a parachute!
01-07-2011 2:25:32 PM PST
If it is possible to be Human Dysphoric I think this may be my challenge. I have been escaping into soul space, dream space, or cosmic dimensions a lot lately. The body is a beautiful thing however it is a struggle to stay focused these days. My desire to move beyond this world is deeply affecting me. Dad used to keep me in line and so did Mom. With my blinders removed it is hard to do anything. My consciousness is drifting through the Universe in awe of the beauty, diversity and vastness of all that makes it up.
The conundrum has always been if you run away, where will you go? Where ever you go, there you are! LOL. The Gods no longer laugh at me they laugh through me...which is a good thing, I think. The more I understand the less direction I feel. I am content right here and right now, just as I am. This is the body I wanted, except the gonads. I think once this is shifted to align with my vision my business in this world will be done. I wrote this article a long time ago, http://sequoiablessed.info/page20 on the Transition Journey. Just as Jesus was done when he was Crucified/Resurrected, I feel surgery will be much like this. With my body transformed I will no longer have use of it. I am not here for the body, but the experience of it. The complete experience of going from one to the other in one lifetime. It seems I am not alone in this desire, LOL. It is good to have company as this can be a lonely journey.
Ahhh, what to do in the mean time... I keep getting the message to share my value with others... this is why I created the website and wrote the eBooks. I have not sold one eBook, well maybe one. Now we know how much value I feel. When I look out on the world I am in awe of the beauty and love I feel. A sense of Peace comes over me that makes it all seem as a blockbuster movie...I am simply watching, drifting through space....
01-06-2011 12:27:23 PM PST
Things are rolling right along. I have applied at several Clinical Pastoral Education programs around the country and suspect that my best chances are right here in the bay area. I also put applications for jobs in, so we will see what comes of that. I have a friend here in Fremont who has offered to rent me a room at low cost. I agreed to help her clean house. LOL, I am good at that. I like bringing order to chaos... we are creators after all.
Last night I walked to the shopping area and enjoyed the incredible view of the moon and the sunset, it was Cosmic! I felt such deep peace. I am reminded of why I am here. Heaven on Earth. For diner I went to Curry King, Indian/Pakastan food that was not only delicious but inexpensive too. I will be going back there again. Also picked up groceries and enjoyed the walk home. If I had a car I would have missed that sunset, at least the way I enjoyed it for 15mins. In a car it is oh wow, and on to the next thing. I have since come to the conclusion that I want a car for distance travel and if I can walk, I will. What if we all took more time to walk were we are going and enjoy the journey? You only have as much time as you take!! It is God's gift to us all ;-) Same goes for abundance! I accept that which is given to me in Love of my Father, the Most High. He provides all that I need. I am Blessed as we are One.
01-02-2011 10:09:41 PM PST
HAPPY NEW YEAR! This year is looking really good! I have monumental changes ahead of me and I feel really good about the path I am on at this time. SRS is scheduled for June 7th and I have till late April to come up with the funds. I have faith that somehow it will all come together as planned. The Clinical Pastoral Education Program I am applying for does not start till August, so I will have time to heal and begin my new career serving those in need at the hospital. Surgery will likely be around 25K because I plan on getting a trachea shave also. The Jim Collins foundation still has my application and I have an appt. with Dr. Cannon in about a week to finish up with him. He will write my 2nd recommendation for surgery after that. I already have a letter from Dr. Scarpella, so I am all set there. My body is fully developed now and all that is left is the inversion of my sex organs. I still think of my sex organs as being an external vagina, because in reality the male and female are developed from the same tissues. It would be very helpful to shut down the testis right now though, because I could stop the Spirononlactone. I don't know why this is not required to begin the transition. It certainly makes sense to have them removed from the get go. I began my transition at 47, so there is no worries of procreation. Never desired that anyway. We aborted the only pregnacy we ever had 25 years ago! If I was 20, then I could see the concern, but still I would have done it then if I was not so concerned about being a 6'11" woman. A lot as changed over the years and even since I began transtion I have grown. I can see the big picture now...from the soul perspective and it is beautiful! If I died tonight I would consider my life a success. The rest of the Journey is gravy! Let us pray Sequoia Elisabeth has her surgery as planned this year! I am so ready...
12-27-2010 11:53:23 AM PST
“Come to accept your bodies for their only true purpose.
They are vehicles for communication,
for the communication of Love. That is their only purpose.
Give them no other, and you will see a transformation in your lives that will give you endless cause for joyous celebration and gratitude.”
(Jesus the Christ)
Oh Lord help me move beyond my limited thoughts to the freedom of your Love. May my physical form assist me on my journey to accept each and every person I meet as the Christ. I am humbled in your presence Great Spirit... My flower blooms in your presence. The gentle smell of roses linger... Love is so sweet ;
Thank you for bringing a strong, intelligent, attractive, loving, generous, wealthy and compassionate man into my life that we may share in our being. My message is your message, I am that, I am...Love is the way ;-)
12-16-2010 2:51:15 PM PST
I will be the first to admit I am learning much on this Journey of Love. I certainly do not have all the answers, although I always have what I need and more! The reason I make this personal journal public is because I hope that others will benefit from my journey and also I believe that being open is the best way to heal. I love every aspect of me! Which means I love you! We are one after all ;-)
It is odd the fixation humans have with labels. It was not always this way and from what I have learned this is a development of ego mind. It is always trying to separate and when a label or name is placed on anything this is separation. X is different than Y! I know that we need these things to function in this world and I respect that. I am just saying that Spirit sees no separation, it only sees beauty. My greatest desire is to completely align with Spirit. My Love for God grows with each passing day. I now realize that God is everywhere in everything and expressing through all. We are One.
I think this explains my confusion with my gender identity and sexual orientation. God has no gender or sex and I look at my body and say What? Oh, this is what it is like to be male or a woman... really?
12-12-2010 11:39:29 PM PST
It has been shown that when pushed to the end, a system will not fail, but will evolve a new perspective to deal with the changes. A solution will be found. From this point of view then, failure is impossible. Even death of an individual will turn out in a positive way for those who are willing to see it. My life is being pushed now, so hard that I can feel the evolution that is taking place. This morning after reading the news and seeing a story on the war in the middle east and the actions of the USA, I felt horrible. I was so dispondent that the morning evolved with thoughts of ending it all. The thought of living in such a cruel world pushes me harder and harder. I see the Oneness and know that I am a piece in this puzzle. War sickens me! There is no excuse for war, none what so ever!
My own predicament of being a woman in male form also stresses me every day as I attempt to find my purpose here. I wish to be of service, but it seems to me that so few understand me. It is like I am a passenger in this body traveling in a foreign country. I considered the possibility of living my life as I was born and imagining what life would have been like if I had felt comfortable and supported to express myself as I feel. When I was a teenager I felt strong and comfortable in my body. There were periods when I was happy being a male, but would have liked to wear makeup and more color in my clothing. I would like to have let my hair grow long, and dress more like a woman. The idea of a male woman is hard for even me to accept, so I cannot expect others to understand right away. My sexual orientation has been a mystery to me also. I find many men attractive, and many women equally attractive. This includes transgender individuals, thus the label of Pansexual. The hormones have made a big difference though and I am more comfortable being with men now and feel myself being attracted to them, much like a magnet. I talk about this in my eBook, Sex and Sexuality. I really relate to Fred Martinez in the movie, Two Spirit.
12-09-2010 12:55:21 PM PST
The lastest career news is that I am applying to Clinical Pastoral Education Programs. I graduate in Feb. 2011 with a Masters in Adult Education and Training degree from University of Phoenix. The next step is to get specific training in a career field of my choice. I would like to take classes with Out & Equal in diversity training, however I cannot spare the money right now. The next step is to find a source of income for the next 9 months till the program starts. The program I am applying with is here in Oakland, however I will be applying at other programs also across the country. There is a program in Little Rock Arkansas, and one in Tampa FL. My bills are all paid till Feb. '11 so I have some time to figure this out. If anyone has any ideas for legitimate work, I am interested in hearing your feedback. The ministry will continue to be a priority in my life, so I hope that you continue to check back and read the Transitions Blog and share with your friends. I am also offering Transition coaching for anyone contemplating a major change. Please see the link on the tab to the left. Thank you for your Loving thoughts and support! I can feel the Love and it is my sincere hope that you feel the Love visiting this website. Blessings on your Journey of Love.
Btw, I still intend on having SRS or at least Orchiectomy before this program starts in August. It is Done, it is done, it is done! :-D
12-04-2010 2:04:34 PM PST
Feeling better. The clinic took good care of me last Tues. They had to re-collect blood for one of the tests they ran last week. While I was there they tested for Strep and it was positive, so they gave me some antibiotics. The yeast infection cleared up too. So I am doing good. Tiffany set it up so I got a bag of food and a ten ride bus pass, so I am all set. I love how life supports me! I always have what I need ;-)
Money came in the mail last Thursday and I am selling my old laptop on Ebay, so more money is coming this week. The loan money should be here by Friday. Life is good and getting better! I have a plan in the works for my career which the TEEI is helping me with. Thank God for non-profits and charity work.
Love is in the air!
11-27-2010 10:41:54 PM PST
It has been a week now and I am feeling good emotionally. Physically I am healing from a sore throat and slight ear ache. I have had this before and in fact it seems I get them every year at Thanksgiving time. I know this sounds strange, but it is psychosomatic or something. Nothing is swollen and my throat is only slightly red. I sure wish it would go away! The other area of concern is my external vagina. I have a yeast infection, however I mentioned it to the PA at the clinic and she told me to get a cream to put on it. I could not find what she told me to get so I purchased Vagisil which is doing a great job. I have been really tired lately too, so I will turn in early again tonight. Yesterday I had my nails done in a garnet red that is a lot brighter than I expected it to be. The guy who did them this time got the shape perfect (rounded square), so I hope to get him again. On Tuesday I go in and get the results of my blood tests and get prescriptions for hormones. As soon as my loan money makes it into my account I will get them filled. I have enough to last till friday, so I think it will work out perfectly.
11-22-2010 11:22:35 PM PST
Life is a gift and sometimes events are unavoidable. What I experienced this weekend was supposed to happen, this I know, I accept that I created it. And now for the ramifications. The ripples shifted his life more than it has mine. Apparently he got into an argument with his wife when he got home. It seems he was not completely honest with her or me. I was told he was separated from his wife and that they had a non-relationship and he may have, I don't know. Needless to say she did not know about me, and now she does at least to some degree. He as a three year old son and he tells me he is not going to see me anymore so that he can give his son the family he needs. My bubble of happiness was just popped! Don't ask me what I was thinking, I am not sure myself. I did confirm my belief that sex with a man is dynamite. I suppose that is the nature of sex, it is dynamic and explosive. I have had it both ways now. Both were fantastic. I simply feel more natural in the woman's role. I will continue to label myself as Pansexual, and focus on Love. The one thing I am reminded of is that I have given my life to Holy Spirit and I am now an instrument of Peace. I sense that this needed to happen for both of us and that good changes will be the end result. I will also continue to follow my heart and know that some of my experiences will bring tears. To me this is the Joy of life and the Journey of Love. In an effort to feel better and raise my energy I took a walk this afternoon and took photos of nature and the sunset. It worked really well. Nature has a way of healing that I just love.
11-21-2010 10:40:40 AM MST
WOW, I simply must share the evening I had yesterday. My date went far beyond my fondest dreams and I lost my virginity. I have waited all my life for that evening! And now it will honor my memories the rest of my days. I feel like a college girl ( as if I knew what that felt like). I suppose this is my senior year since I am graduating in under three months. I can not help but wonder if my life would have been this great if I had transitioned when I first considered it back in 1979. Somehow I doubt it; I was not ready. I knew the evening was going to be great when I jumped in the car (It was pouring rain) and he greeted me with a dozen roses and a big hug. Thank you for the roses!!!
So where to from here? I have no idea, well maybe some idea. I can see a few months ahead now and really am not concerned with a year or 5 years from now. I am living joyously and that is all that matters. I look forward to having surgery and now I can comfortably say that an Orchiectomy is all I desire. I think that at this stage of the game, it is all that I need. One thing that was confirmed last night is that when events are ordained (you have created them in higher realms) then they flow like butter on hotcakes. I am so glad I have learned to listen to my higher self/ soul self.
11-13-2010 11:55:42 PM MST
My number one goal at this stage of my life is to have my testicles removed! If you only knew how many times I have thought of doing it myself. At 49 I have been very patient about this, in fact a little too patient. This is something I should of done years ago. I don't feel like a man or a woman right now. All I can think about lately is having the surgery. I would prefer to have complete SRS, but frankly right now an Orchiectomy is perfectly fine. Again, I prefer an inguinal procedure so as to get the entire seminal vessicle. I need the entire reproductive system removed, the sooner the better! I am going to a clinic on Monday to see what my options are at this point. The foundation grant I applied for is still in limbo, so I have no idea if they are going to fund the surgery or not. As far as I know the surgery with Dr Bowers is still scheduled for next June. I need to come up with the money at least 30 days in advance, sooner would be a plus. It is only lately that I am having these feelings of urgency with the surgery. The urgency seems to be growing. I also seem to be more sensitive to temperatures which I am attributing to the humidity here in the bay area. It may also be that my testosterone level is too high, however I have been taking my meds as directed and I dare not take any more Spiro, 100mg BID is plenty for my system. The other thing that could help is increasing my estrogen from 4mg to 5mg. I will see what the clinic says on Monday and go from there. I pray that I can have the surgery as soon as possible. Next week would work fine with me!
11-09-2010 10:55:29 AM MST
I just had an insight. My friend Kriss whom I have lived with for the past 15mos. is the only cisgender person to ever understand me, as far as I know. What is significant is that I think we have been friends for several lifetimes. If I was living in say the 1700's up till the past 50 years or something, I would be considered gay. Simple as that, but we have discovered that it is not that simple. To me it is both and I have known this for many years, I am a gay woman, not lesbian. If I need a label that works as well as any! Transgender and Transsexual work too, LOL. Thank you Kriss for loving me enough to understand.
11-09-2010 10:43:13 AM MST
Hello again ;-) I suppose I am journaling less instead of more, lol. The good news is that I finished the eBook, Sex and Sexuality and it is posted on the website. The idea of selling it on Amazon has proven to be a bigger challenge than I expected. The formatting for the kindle is complicated even though it is a very simplistic format of plain text. I am not even sure if any of the photos will display. They are supposed to. All is in B&W for the kindle too, so if you are thinking of buying the eBook I recommend the PDF version I offer on the website. The Kindle version will be cheaper, at $9.98, although IMHO the PDF version is a better value. I plan on posting the eBook on other book sellers as well. The PDF version remains at $14.95. The other project I have been working on is my Master’s thesis and that is going slow. I have 6 days to get the first 4 of 5 chapters finished. I will have it done.
The main thing I would like to talk about today is my feelings. My feelings are vacillating from masculine to feminine and have been in the masculine zone far more than I prefer lately. Contemplating this...I must need to take action for it is the masculine energy that gives us energy to do the things we need to get done...this is a good thought so I will leave it at that. The feeling of being alone is not a problem, I am not lonely, but I do crave physical affection and at the same time I feel afraid of being intimate with a man...or even a woman right now. I remember being in this phase or state six years ago and coming to the conclusion that I need to be with another transsexual or transgender person. They are the only ones who understand me, as much as my cisgender friends want to and try, they just don't get it. I am not sure I get it all the time. I am grateful for the times of inspiration that I have been having fairly frequently now. I believe that it is the connection we all seek with Great Spirit.
Wow, This has helped me already. I am feeling better. This blog is overdue and I know that. Getting it out feels like a relief. I just had the thought that I could be homophobic...which to me is the fear of loving the self. For a transgender person all relationships are homosexual to some degree, and can also be heterosexual, so it is like having your cake and eating too! It does explain why I seem to end up in isolation and why I seem to fall for the guys who are so far away! I am deeply attracted to my dear friend in Yellowknife NWT, but he is so far away! I think if he asked me to move up there I would, however that is not practical. The other aspect is that when you become a part of someone’s life, their entire life changes, so they have to be willing to integrate you into their life. Which means meeting the parents and family, etc. Even on the roommate with perks level this is true. My friend Cecil who says he wants me has yet to make it happen. I did my part which is move to the bay area. He is not here. It look likes another month before we can meet and frankly I think this relationship is going nowhere fast. If it happens, I am open, but he will have to come to me, as I am moving on. Catch me if you can ;-) Not that I am actively looking for an intimate relationship. Again I have chosen to live in a place where that is not possible. If I am intimate with anyone it would have to be on their turf. This little room and single bed just would not work for the passion I have stored up.
The irony of this is that the last time I was even near a man was with my roommate at that time about 10 years ago. It was on Catch 22 beach in Mexico, one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. We slept side by side on a blanket in the sand next to the waves and he awoke to a scorpion crawling on his pillow! LOL I miss him, although he never knew how I felt.
10-24-2010 12:14:34 AM MST
Here I sit in my new place. The room I am renting is in a lovely suburban home in Fremont, CA. The house has all the luxuries and then some! They even have a Hot Tub. The bus runs on the street I can see from my window, so the walk to the bus stop is fairly short. It is wonderful to be back in the bay area! I know this was a good move. My feelings of being alone are present even though I know they are illusion. I miss Juanita, Angelica and family,… I even miss John and his cute comments, plus all my friends in the Denver area. For some reason I seem to be living in the past, it almost seems like I have time traveled, except the technology is modern. It is hard to explain; maybe this is just California, old fashioned and high tech, lol.
I surrender, trust and I am grateful. What the world has for me I will soon find out, the next priority is getting the eBook published and keeping up with school. I have a survey I am putting together in order to get the statistics I will need for the Action Research Project I must complete to graduate. The plan is in my head, now it is just a matter of getting all the pieces in place. Goodbye for now. I have a feeling I will be journaling a little more now that I am in CA.
10-10-2010 1:19:05 AM MST
Five days to go before I leave for CA. I am really looking forward to this because I feel like something great is going to happen there. I am not sure what it is, but I know that I have been waiting all my life for this experience. I will miss my friends I have made here in Denver, but now that we have the internet, and jet travel I am not really that far away. The new eBook I will be releasing soon is going to take off and be very popular. I plan on connecting with many people and benefiting them all. The one thing I know for sure, I can handle all the gifts and opportunities I am offered. I am indeed Blessed. ;-)
09-19-2010 7:38:12 PM MST
The big news in my life is I am moving to Hayward CA and more importantly I have a new love. His name is Cecil and I met him on the website, OkCupid.com. We have been getting to know each other since my birthday June 24th. The more I talk to him the deeper my attraction. I am sure the attraction was physical at first, especially with him, although now I am realizing that we have so much more to share. It has been three long years since I have been active in a sexual way and my body craves this! The good news is that I am very picky and will not be with just anyone. I am very selective and let my soul choose the right one. I know this is in my highest and best good, because I have let go and let God! He is a very spiritual man who is hard working and deeply Loving. Perfect for me! I cannot describe the Joy that lifts my cloud. My heart is filled with this Joy every day!
I have not chosen the exact day, but the move will happen mid-October. Instead of traveling light, I will be going by car with a friend and carrying all my belongings in more than a few suitcases as I had when I arrived in Wheat Ridge, CO. I have learn much since being here and my gratitude runs deep! I have learned Love, abundance, acceptance, and discovered a whole new world. The world of LGBTQ was unknown to me before for the most part, at least from the inside. My time at the Gender Identity Center has been a life saver! I have seen countless lifes saved since I join a year ago. To be a part of this miracle has truly been a dream come true. These are experiences that I will remember the rest of my life. I am sure I will be discussing this more in the weeks ahead. I will close this journal with a KISS, which is blown to you my dearest Cecil. ;-)
09-07-2010 12:13:39 PM MST
"I know you already know this, but the only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!
So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun.
Foxy, clever, wry -
Reflect on this for a minute. I think about this often and this is one of the reasons I left the medical field. My role there was meaningless, at least to me. I hope that I touched others in a positive way and I still hope that I am a positive influence on everyone I meet.
Are you being honest with yourself? I am being as authentic as I can these days, living life from my point of view. Am I a woman who was placed in a mans body...? That just seems hard to swallow to me. I am who I am. I feel like so much more than just a woman or a man. I am a Human ...Being? My greatest desire is just to be. If the question is "to be or not to be", my answer is BE. I let go of any labels I have given myself, and accept none from others. I will continue to dress the way I do (feminine) and I will continue to Love the one I am with. This is who I am, LOVE. This expression of Love called Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter will not be around that much longer, but I can assure you that Love is going no where. Love is the essence of life, it cannot be lost, taken away, or vanish. Love is eternal!
What else matters? Does living matter? Does doing "good" things really matter? I have never wanted to make a difference, or change the world, or even matter! So why does this world push and push and push toward these lofty goals? These goals that do not even exist!
09-03-2010 5:33:48 PM MST
A milestone was reached today. I went to my doctor and she gave me a letter verifying my treatment and physical presentation as a woman. I sent my passport off with the proper forms and photos this afternoon. In about a month I will get my passport back with a "F" for female as the gender marker. (I already have this changed on my drivers license) I am so happy about this that I had to write something here about it. I am still on track to have surgery next year also, at which time every part of my body will be female. Right now my body is as female as it can get without surgery or a miracle. I am still hoping for a miracle where I wake up in the morning with my sexual organs inside me where they belong and my vagina properly formed. Either way I will wake up soon this way. I am all woman!