12-21-2008 1:39:47 PM CST
Some big events recently have kept me very busy. I write this while waiting to leave Las Vegas after a successful trip. This is the first time I have had the pleasure to be a Maid-of-Honor! Plus being there for my ex-wife as she married the most amazing man! I Love them both so very much. And I only cried a little. ;-) Joy fills our days, each and every day. It has been great running around in a city where I almost fit in. Life is Good. I met a wonderful man on Friday night and had a wonderful conversation, something I don't allow myself very often. I realize that I need to loosen up and just enjoy myself, but I still am a bit self conscious. Throughout the weekend I received several nice compliments on my looks, which always feels good. We ate like royalty and generally had a great time. I am very grateful for a smooth trip home to Knoxville. The weather is beautiful although a bit cool and this is to be expected this time of year. Christmas is only 4 days away. Today is the winter solstice and marks the 4th year before the end of time! (as we know it) I look forward to infinite possibilities and general daily bliss that this time represents. Heck, I am very close to that now! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Amen
12-11-2008 9:35:45 PM CST
Christmas is coming soon and I have so much to be thankful for! All my dreams are manifesting, my cup runneth over, and the more things change, the more they stay the same. I have always had a great abundance in my life and for this I am so grateful. Life is good and very Good! It does feel good to be the person I have always known myself to be and to stop pretending to be who others expect me to be. There comes a time in one's life where we must put ourself ahead of others and just let go. We are Loved no matter what anyone says or does, this never changes. Once we realize this, life gets much simpler. Not necessarily easier, but simpler. I care so very much that I am willing to step back and give up. By this I mean let go of that which is not permanent and that which remains is permanent. I believe that I know that I know what that is, but am prepared to be wrong. LOL, if that is possible. Love is all there is, all else is simply an expression of this. Be it in the form of opposites or Blessed Creations. Thank you Lord for a wonderful ride! I can only imagine that it gets even better from here! For Christmas this year I get to be me! Simple and true, plain and inspired.
12-10-2008 2:41:30 PM CST
Today is a down day for me, just because I am being faced with my choices. In one week I go to finalized my divorce on the 17th and my partner told me today that she is going to Las Vegas on Friday to re-marry on the 20th. I knew she would be doing this and she and the lucky man both have my blessings, but I had no idea that they would be doing it so soon! I thought she had to wait 30 days to re-marry, but that is only in Tennessee. Hense the trip to Las Vegas. They have invited me to join them and I am happy to be by their side, I just was not mentally prepared for this to be so soon. I am very Happy for them and know that they will be very happy as well in their new lives. The good thing is that I know this is the right thing to do. I think my ego was getting in the way by trying to tell them how to do their wedding. It is not my place to interfere, to participate, yes, but not interfere. I will let them make the arrangements and be the Loving, Supportive person I have always been. Another step on the journey of Love... May we be Blessed along the way.
12-04-2008 10:23:21 PM CST
We are all moved in now and it feels so good to have my own room and a place to call home! Since I have been so busy I have put a hold on any more electrolysis till after the new year, but the name change business is going great. By Christmas I should have most of my accounts taken care of. Actually by next week most of them will be done. I am so happy that things are going so smoothly. Each day I get more comfortable with my voice. I still get the "sirs" on phone calls, but I am getting better. The trick is to not let it bother you, technically I am still male physically. Unlearning all my male habits has been a real challenge, but I feel better about "who I am" now and know that it will get better each day. I love feeling feminine and pretty, but am not sure yet how I feel about men. My fantacies are shifting from women to men now, and I find this very facinating. I really want to have the female anatomy when I am with a man for the first time, for right now I enjoy the company and friendship. That is all I can handle for the time being. I am so grateful for the Love and support I am receiving! I am truly Blessed! In many ways I feel like a child, discovering a new life! Starting over again, How awesome is that!?!
11-22-2008 9:57:19 AM CST
This week has been so busy getting ready to move into our new house. I managed to get an hour in electrolysis and it was a nice break from all the painting and housework. I don't feel very feminine in my work clothes, but I am fine with that. The good news is that I went to court on Tuesday, Nov 18th and had my name changed to "Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter"! I am so thrilled to have that done. Now I begin the long process of switching my name on all my accounts. My gender remains male until I have surgery, but I feel like I am making great progress. I have my new Social Security card and Drivers License already, and have the financial accounts yet to go. I notified everyone on my email list of the change also. The journey continues....
11-16-2008 10:03:05 PM CST
We had a great drive to Atlanta this weekend to pick up John. He is our new member of the family. He will be marrying my partner after we divorce in a month and we will all be living together. I am not sure what our relationships will look or feel like, but so far I am very pleased. It is another lesson in Love that I joyfully accept. He is all that we had hoped and more, a partner to Juanita and a dear friend to me. Intimacy (in to me see) is an area I am open to expanding. With some help, this area of my life will grow and deepen in ways that I am not even aware of yet. I can feel the change coming and I relax in quiet expectation of new experiences. Even though I am not the least bit interested in sex these days, I suspect that this will change with my surgery. The thought of being with a man as the woman I feel inside is very intriguing, even somewhat exhilarating. At this point in my life I find both men and woman attractive, so I am just focusing on the person and not the shell that contains them. Love is the way!
11-11-2008 10:14:11 AM CST
Today I am feeling a little overwhelmed. We are working on getting the house ready to move into, I have ministry projects to do, and an ebay business on the side that has been very frustrating. I go for more laser today and while I still have plenty of savings, I am considering getting a job here soon, but am waiting till I get my name change done in a week. I will not be able to leave Knoxville till after Dec 17th when the divorce is finalized, but after that I cannot make any promises as to what I will do. I suppose the universe will decide, as I am not able to at this time. Staying true to my word is more difficult than I thought it would be. Sigh, If history is any indicator, all will work out wonderfully. I should be excited about all the wonderful things happening in my life and the world, and when I find the time I will be.
11-04-2008 4:14:43 PM CST
We had a great time 'trick or treating' with our grandkids for Halloween. I am so please with the acceptance I am receiving everywhere we go, such loving people. My life is going so well now, and each day I get more comfortable going out and living as a natural woman. It really makes a big difference on how others view you when you accept yourself. When I am my usual happy self and not focusing on "me" life goes so smoothly. On Monday I started voice lessons over Skype with a lady from San Francisco. The process went really well and I am looking forward to our next session in a week. She is getting me set up with some exercises to build my vocal cords and is helping me to find my voice. I am faily close now, but with some refinement my voice will be more feminine. It is important for me to have a feminine voice since I am so tall, there will be no question as to if I am a woman. Of course a tall woman would probably not have a very high voice anyway, so I am miles ahead already. I continue to have electrolysis and am finding that it is getting easier as my skin is getting more used to the "zaps". In this department, I find that desire overrides comfort for the most part. The ladies I am working with make sure I am as comfortable as possible and are doing a fabulous job! I love being treated as a lady.
Tonight I am going over to visit with my father. He loves me, this I know and I also know that he wants what is best for me as he has loved and suppported me all my life and for this I am eternally grateful. Even though we have had a difference of opinion on several issues we both do our best to respect each other. This is the first time he has seen me in femme so I will take it slow and allow him time to get used to my new look.(meaning no dresses or heavy makeup) More on this adventure later....
10-29-2008 9:59:36 AM CST
Today is a day of reflection and Peace. I had a wonderful day yesterday as I was out and about. I was fully dressed with makeup and felt wonderful. In the afternoon I had the opportunity to have my nails done and I decided to go with a Halloween color, Orange! It is one of my favorite colors. After that I went to pick up my ring that my partner and I are going to exchange here soon. We have been married for 12 yrs and though the ride has had it's downs, far more of the adventures have been UP. We will be divorced in mid-december (we go to court Dec. 17th) and while I am sad about that, it is for the best of all concerned. The thing I am excited about is that She and I will exchange "friendship" rings that will symbolize our Love for one another. She has truely showed me what uncondtional Love is all about, and I am so grateful for that. What an increadible feeling to be loved no matter what! I realize how hard this has been for her and yet she still stands beside me and supports me. This is Love. She is moving on to fullfill her destiny and live her life's lessons, and at the same time, so am I. The fact that we can do this together and still live together in Love and support is so wonderful. No matter what happens in the future, our Love will always exist, how we choose to share that Love is up to us. It is up to each individual how they express God's Love, so How is Love expressing in your life? Follow your heart and Love freely, it is your nature.
10-23-2008 8:45:26 AM CST
I just read "Katie Glover's Girl Guide" an E-Book. It is very good and is much like other tranny books, focused on the illusion. I could not help but feel that some of the best aspects of being "transgender" were missed. To me transgender is a feeling, or an expression of self. It is something we are compelled to do/be. Now that I am living full time, I feel more confident than ever and would never go back to living as I did before. Of course I do have my up and down moods, sometimes I feel very feminine and sometimes not. It is not about the illusion, but about being yourself and I am sure many if not all woman and men go thru these moods. The horomones may have something to do with my feelings, but I believe it is more to do with thought. When a man or woman transitions it affects all of those in their life. So you could say that the whole family transitons, including close friends. In the larger scheme, the whole world is transitioning, and my transition is just a personal version of the larger whole. Again this is my perspective, yours maybe different. This is why it takes time for all those in your life to accept the changes they are seeing. I am a woman, despite the appearances of the past 45 yrs. The male role models I have been placed in seems to be the largest obstacles I am facing now. We create that which we feel we need and if the shoe looks as if it fits - then it is placed. I went along with this since I was not ready to come out, although I did make an effort to distance myself from the traditional role of the male at my age and position in the family. Please understand that roles are made up, and that I can play any role I choose, but that is not who I am. Nor are you your roles. "all the world is a stage, and we are mearly players" to quote Shakespeare. So when you see me or anyone really, get to know them without placing them in a role. It is so gratifying to know a person for who they are, and not the person we expect them to be. Names are a necessary tool in this world to maintain a persona, so as my female self emerges and takes it's place please help me by using "Sequoia" when you refer to me, talk to me or call for me. Eventhough I have male body parts still, I prefer to be refered to as SHE/HER. I chose "Sequoia" because it really has no gender and if we could get by without pronouns, replacing she or he with "Sequoia" this would be closer to God's Truth.
10-21-2008 9:42:55 PM CST
Well, being back in Tennessee feels good. The warm welcome helped a lot. I am living full time as a woman now that I am not going to work. Not quite ready to change my name but soon I will make it official. I find that most people are more curious about my height than my gender, they want to know how a woman can be so tall. Of course it is easy, height runs in the family. The good news is that I have dealt with this all my life and so it is not a big deal to me, I have come to peace with my height ( 6'11"). I feel so comfortable as a woman and it is good to be myself now in a way that shows for all to see. Of course I do have much more journey to go and I look forward to all the gifts that life has to offer. I am grateful for all that I have.
10-17-2008 8:06:13 AM CST
I had my electrolysis session yesterday and I am very pleased with the results. Mild pain thanks to hydrocodone and my determination to get this over with. An excessively positive attitude helps also. It is such a joy to have your dreams come true and this is the path that need be taken, so lets make this journey a pleasent one. I will be going once a week for now. The good news is that I really do not have a lot of hairs and they are coming out easily. It sure helps to have laser done first. It gets the dark, tough ones out of the way. On a different subject, I had my inner voice tell me on the way home yesterday that I could not have done this before now, as I could not have handled it. Things do not happen till you are really ready for them, so that is why even though I considered this journey at 17 I am on it at 47. All good things in good time. As I awaken in consciousness I am aware that time does not matter, in fact it doesnt even exist! Now there is a thought! One thing I do know is that this time/space experience is running out so I better get a move on to complete my life's purpose. As we all know Jesus did his best work in the last few years of his life; we cannot fail.
10-15-2008 1:35:55 PM CST
The journey continues... started laser again on my face last monday, Oct 13th now that I am back in Tennessee. All went well, better than well actually. I have very few hairs left that need electrolysis. A few pesky hairs on my neck are the main focus now. I start electrolysis tomorrow, YAY. I have been meditating and visualizing my face with no hair on it, my sexy female body and flowing long reddish hair. I am woman, hear me purrrrrrr.
It feels so good to be off work and free to write and relax. I have gotten much done already, including clean house and cook. I am very pleased with the warm reception I have recieved wherever I go here in Knoxville. Mostly I have been greeted with a "Hello, Ma'am", which puts a big grin on my face and warmth in my heart. Life is so wonderful.
10-08-2008 3:47:47 PM CST
To expand on the idea of transformation effecting all the world, not just me, I ask this question. How do things feel to you? Can you feel the urgency with which the world moves? We are in a do or die situation. Either the world changes to become self sustaining or this world will no longer exist. The same goes for me. However, some would argue that the change will happen anyway and that nature heals all imbalance. I agree. It is just phenomenal that the changes I observe in the world around me are simply a reflection of my own inner challanges. As I sit here marveling at the power and glory this world beholds, I am reminded that I chose to be here now in this experience. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Also I realize that life is eternal and just because I did not have the connection I needed to make the change from male to female physical form in the 70's, I am so grateful to be doing it now! Life is so forgiving and we each will get repeated opportunities to experience all we desire. So have faith and follow your dreams! I pray we all can see the wonder and beauty life has to offer and that there truely are Infinite Possibilities. Our only limits are what we impose on ourselves. I forgive you and want you to know that you are Loved. Feel our Oneness, know the Truth, and be Free.
10-07-2008 5:07:08 PM CST
We went to Chena Hot Springs this past weekend and had a fantastic time! This little community is tucked away in the wilds of alaska and operates totally off the grid with geothermal power. They have their own greenhouse, air strip and power plant. The Hot Springs are the big draw though and for good reason, the 106 to 115 degree water warms you to your very soul. The water is extremely soft so my skin was soft as silk after a few hrs in the spring water. This was the first time I have ever gone in public in a one piece bathing suit and it felt great. I was a little self conscious, but for the most part all went wonderfully. The whole weekend I was dressed in femme and was accepted by all those I met. Alaskans seem so accepting and being in what I perceive to be a community of the future, I am very hopeful for mankind. The peace there was not the least of the wonderful things we experience. Juanita is such a dear and loving partner to me, I am so grateful for her support though this time of transition for me. Her happy face and bubbly laughter wherever we went made the weekend all the better. I mostly smiled and did not talk much, but did manage to meet several wonderful people through Nita's befriending everyone we ran across. The 20 degree weather and snow made the adventure all the more exotic. I came away feeling grateful to be alive in this time of transition not only for me, but for the entire world. We had an opportunity to make this transtion back in the early 70's (energy crisis) and we refused to change. Now that things are moving again I am truly Joyful in the positive changes that are happening beneath the surface of turmoil surrounding us. Peace exists always, all we need do is be aware of it. Love is the way.
10-03-2008 1:25:18 AM CST
Oh my gosh, what a fantastic day! I had my hair colored and styled today. My spirit soars! It is as though my spirit has been released and is running wild and free! Sometimes it is the simplest things that make us feel the best. Oh, and the best part is my life partner joined me and we both have gorgeous hair now. Here is a pic of me taken today.
10-01-2008 12:50:35 AM CST
The journey of Love is sometimes a hard one. We must let go of what we think we have in order to find that which we are. It is sort of like empting your glass to have room for more. In that respect our lives are like a fountain, constantly flowing over, and over. If we focus on the pain it can get unbearable, but if we release the pain, then we have room for Joy to fill our cup. As we focus on the Joy it expands. My life is full of fantastic times, and miraculous moments. The Joy far excedes any pain in my life and for this I am eternally grateful. Love is what drives my life now, I can see that. I see the many layers to life and how it can get very complicated if we allow it. It is time to simplify again, to let go of that which no longer serves me. I accept who I am, now I must allow others to do the same.
09-23-2008 2:59:48 PM CST
My emotions are up and down today, I am not sure if maybe my estrogen level is too high. I have been crying at every little challenge. I could not get my earring in this morning and this upset me greatly. I had left them out to let them heal a bit as they were sore. Anyway I will let them be for a while longer and see. The reality that I will no longer be married is sinking in and that too is upsetting. Not sure why really since it was my idea at first. I guess it is the thought of loss, and even that is not true, but the feeling still is stuck with me. My mid back is very painful since sunday. It just got worse as the day went on and after I did a meditation on "I want to feel good", it seemed to be worse. I have difficulty laying on my back and sleeping is uncomfortable for the most part. I fear my heart is breaking and it is my own fault. I know that all is for the best and that I need to be strong and move forward. The thought of going back to the life of "steven" is nausating, while the thought of moving forward as Sequoia is scary, but feels good deep within me. The journey is to learn to Love myself as I am, and stop focusing on the physical. Easier said than done. I feel hopeful that it will all get better when Juanita gets to alaska this weekend. Just having someone to talk to and hug is just what I need. God loves me, this I know, now to feel that...
09-18-2008 10:11:04 PM CST
Each day is a new day. I am feeling great today. Balanced within my inner peace I am perfect whole and complete woman. At least on the inside. The horomones are working exceptionally well as I am right on schedule. My hair is growing well, only a few more inches to go to reach my target length. I am taking vitamins for hair, skin and nails which I find very helpful, in fact I cut back because my nails are growing too fast. I still get my nails done every 2-3 wks. The perfect polished look is so comforting to me. My feelings of being comfortable with my feminine self are so gratifing and when I am at work in boi mode, my feelings fluctuate. Three more weeks of work and then I can relax into my femme self even more! YAY
09-16-2008 11:06:39 PM CST
I am feeling very grateful today. Grateful for the Loving people in my life, both 1L and SecondLife. I find it so much easier to be myself on SL. My greatest talent as I see it is my ability to be supportive. Love and support come naturally to me. Maybe since I am not a biological parent I feel the need to be supportive to others. And it makes no difference who it is, friend, associate, casual aquaintance, family or spouse. It brings great joy to me to see others achieving & successful. I am so thankful for the gift of Love. I have so much to share. I am also grateful for my creative abilities. Building in ways that are not material necessarily, but they can be. We will be moving into a house soon and I look forward to having the freedom to decorate to my hearts content. Creating something that puts a smile on others faces is my greatest Joy, of course I am happy whether others are or not, their Joy is just icing on the cake so to speak. I really wish more would offer there dreams for an Ideal society on my ministry website. SequoiaMinistry.org Share your vision of what an ideal society would look like and share the idea and link with your friends. The more we focus on our desires, the faster they manifest!
09-16-2008 12:03:00 AM CST
Beware what you wish for! Wise words, for as you believe so it is. As we see our world so it is! Now that is an awesome statement. All that I believe to be true is so, all I need do is look around and open my eyes. At times doubt creeps in and I ask myself why I am doing this. I hold my head in my hands and say oh my goodness, what have I done. And then my answer comes rushing in as always. You choose this path before you were born and must complete your journey in order to move on. You are just where you desire to be, always and all ways! Then i just smile and marvel at all the wonders this Blessed life has to offer. I look down and see these two large breasts where none existed 6mos. ago and I smile, thanking God for all my abundance. I look in the mirror, and see a woman smiling back. What greater miracles are there? To have found my inner truth and accepted it with Love. To embrace my being I have found my path, I am on it.
09-10-2008 11:30:19 PM CST
During my shower today a realization came to me. Let me share this with you for contemplation. I just figured out my name, Sequoia, it means seek who you are = seq, u o i a. Just sound it out. And my last name, carpenter = creator, carpenters build or create things, so sequoia carpenter=seek who you are creating. My chosen name of Cailyn Elisabeth Sequoia is the who I am creating. Which means the woman of God's Promise is who I am. To me this means that I am fullfilling my purpose here on earth becoming the woman that I truly am, by being myself so to speak. Of course that is all our purpose's to be who we truly are. All easier said than done, at least so far. Blessed are those in which this comes naturally.
I easily let go of any preconceived notions of who I think I am and allow the natural me to emerge. By stepping into who I am my life is empowered and all good things flow to me and through me! Easy does it!
09-08-2008 9:29:15 PM CST
God does not make mistakes, so how can we have a woman in a mans body or vice versa? It is simple, that is the way things are ment to be. Anyone who has studied probability understands averages and bell curves. Given that there are infinite possibilities the chances of having only male and female in the human population is quite remote. And if so the graph of that would look like an inverted bell curve, as we would only have males or females and nothing in between. The more probably graph of the bell curve would be constructed of not just males and females, but a mix including intersexed, crossdressers, gender queers, transgenders, and transsexuals. Not to mention the rainbow of sexual orientations and other classes that truely make up gender. As mom used to say, variety is the spice of life. I like to think of it as the rainbow of life and each of us has a place on that rainbow. And for some of us that place changes. Nothing has felt more "right" than the journey I am on now. Thank God for making me the way I am. It really feels good to be accepting that. Resistance is futile and sooner one figures that out the better. Of course all good things in good time.
09-07-2008 8:22:26 PM CST
In Thanksgiving I walk my way seeing all the Love and Peace this world has to offer. I graciously accept all the glorious gifts of kindness, acceptance and understanding that I am offered. Everywhere I look I see Love. Everywhere I go there is Peace. Everywhere is the Truth of Great Spirit.
I just got back from a wonderful walk in the park. And I am accepted as another loving soul, whether female or male, it matters not. There is only Love. My appearance today is very feminine as my body is changing in wonderful ways. My hair is growing out and looking great, I wore my favorite pink top with a brown sweater, red sparkle lip gloss, black ladies slacks and black sandles. The weather was mixed, like me, and at the end of the walk I saw a rainbow;-) My reward for venturing out eventhough it was over cast. Yes, by the time I got home the sky had cleared to a beautiful blue in most directions and despite the few sprinkles that fell, my journey turned out fantastic. God I love life! Even more I love being me.
09-02-2008 11:56:55 PM CST
Difficulty in transition comes not from what others think about you, but from what you think about you. It comes from our looking to others for approval. We must first be comfortable with who we are and then we will be comfortable with others. Even if someone "appears" to disapprove it does not matter. Most likely the situation is a reflection of our thoughts. So equal rights is in our own minds. Love yourself for who you are and other will follow suit. Now I know that "reality" can see harsh and that I can seem that the world is happening to you, not from you. But this simply is not the case. As your awareness grows and as you test this theory it will become clear. The classic, "it is not me, but their fault" just does not wash anymore. Try taking responsiblity for your actions, be proud of who you are and show everyone what a wonderful woman you are! If you get a cold shoulder at first, then move on and ignore the one that object. In time as you come to accept you, so will everyone else! I Love YOU, Pass it on ;-)