01-29-2009 10:52:19 PM CST
Today has been a good day overall, however I feel lousy now after reviewing my finances. The more motivations I get from others the more stressed I feel. Life is a gift and I am very grateful. Right now I would just like to stay in bed however! I am feeling very conflicted with what I know is right and all the "you should be doing this or that" that I hear. Deep down I know all is well, I just wish I felt that on the outside too. I enjoyed my career as a MRI tech, but it is not nor has it ever been "my goal in life". I need to stay focused on my desires and be open to possibilities. Helpful supportive encouragement would be nice right now too. Giving comes easy for me, it is the recieving that I have difficulty with. Well I will sleep on this and see what tomorrow brings. I guess these are the tough days where I need to just hang on, because I know things will improve soon.
01-26-2009 9:36:38 PM CST
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
01-25-2009 7:28:52 AM CST
My ship is afloat upon the seas, and there is no sight of land. This tiny tub, what seems like an innertube, is getting old. The waves are high and the wind strong, but slowly I move forward. Is it forward? Actually I have no idea where I am going, only that I pray everyday for land. The salty spray of the sea both tires and refreshes me every few seconds. As hot as the sun is I am happy to see it. The sun gives me some sense of direction, but of course with no way to stear this tube I just sit here wondering if I will still be alive when this things washes ashore. My favorite "activity" if you can call it that is when the waves get really high and the tube is lifted up high, the view is awesome. No sight of land yet but I am hopeful. Why, you ask? Well, I can feel my success! It is that simple. As long as this journey is, I can feel Success!
01-22-2009 10:28:07 PM CST
Each day is a new day, so may the next bring Peace and tranquility in new and refreshing ways. My feelings are running deep, but the words are slow flowing today. I have noticed that "I" don't really feel any different after almost a year on horomones, or maybe it is I have grown used to them. My body on the other hand is reacting nicely and I have a delicious female form emerging! My breasts are large and firm, nipples are a bit sore, but feel strangely good. When I look in the mirror I see the person I know myself to be and that is a fantastic feeling! At times I still have the sensation that I am a fake, a man dressed as a woman, and technically I still am. A male woman! Integrating into society has yet to be accomplished, but my presentation is very good. Most people see me as the woman I am. The transition is well under way and is right on track. I just wish I had someone else tell me that. It has been almost 8 wks since I had a session with my counselor due to my financial situation. I feel like that will change very soon, as I am registered with several temp agencies and have my resume' with several jobs here locally. My ebay business is going well and most of my bills are being paid on time. I have what I need. I pray that I can get some more funds here soon though so I can continue the transition more completely and schedule my surgery within the next year. Like a child waiting for christmas, I am ready for this!
01-16-2009 11:58:36 AM CST
Been a few days since I wrote anything so I will share some thoughts with you. I am working on another mini-book and it is coming along fabulously. Been dreaming a lot about having SRS and am really looking forward to that time. The feelings I get about SRS are very positive and I haven't a doubt that it is the right choice for me. The one thing that is a bit odd to me is guys are flirting with me now and I am not used to that. I don't mind and in fact it can be fun, but just not in my comfort range right now. I suppose that is a good thing as I am expanding my horizons, broadening my views and my experiences. I can only imagine what it would be like to truly be with a man as a woman. The male act always seemed awkward to me at best and have sworn that off forever, however to be on the recieving end is quite intriguing. In a matter of months there is a distinct possibility that I will be experiencing this most wonderful of unions. Ah, the endless possibilities of life are really what it is all about. Freedom of choice in a world that is our playground! You just gotta Love IT!
01-07-2009 10:05:03 PM CST
Today I got all dressed up to go out with my ex's hubby, my dear friend John. It felt good to be out and about. As usual I got a lot of looks, but this time seemed different, more natural, more like business as usual! As we ran about doing errands things seemed to be so natural like we have been friends for years even though we met for the first time only 2 months ago. We have been online friends for almost two years and I am sure that makes a big difference, however meeting in person is very different than online! The funny part is that he is now married to my ex and she met him after I did. She had a hard time with me transitioning and he was there for her. I really appreciate that he is here now and that he took care of her in my process of seperation. I know it was hard for her but it had to be done. Love isn't always easy and I did not take this decision lightly. I am happy I did what I did (move out) and I am even more happy to be back as my true self. Her demonstration of Love to me has made my Life worth Living! I feel like a huge mountain has been peaked and now I am ready to move on the the next peak!
01-01-2009 4:20:21 PM CST
Things that work for me! Here are a few things for all you gender benders out there. One of the biggest issues we face is hair removal, so let me share a few things that have worked for me. On the lower body (below the neck) Nair for Men works wonders. Be careful and follow the directions as this stuff can burn if you leave it on too long and make sure it does not touch your private parts or your nipples, OUCH. The soft hairless skin you get afterwards is well worth the effort however. Also make sure you are very generous when putting it on, it works much better that way. Shaving is still a necessity on my face although I only shave every other day thanks to Kalo epilating lotion. All I do is rub some on after shaving and again that night and the hair growth is retarded. I have noticed that the hairs are smaller now and very fine. A great improvement over the rough hairs I used to have. On the face and neck I can say the way to go is Laser! Compared to electrolysis it is cheaper in the long run and works wonders! The only catch is that laser does not work on white hairs, so do this ASAP ladies! I wish I had done this 30yrs ago! As soon as you are sure this is the path for you go get laser, esp. on your face and neck. Now that I am on horomones the rest of my body is really not hairy at all. I did use the Kalo on the rest of my body with good results too. So, between the Kalo, Nair, and Horomones I no longer have to shave, not even my legs!!
12-31-2008 11:00:56 PM CST
2008 has been the best year of my life so far! I am so grateful for all the gifts of Love I recieved this year. Much of my life's purpose was fullfilled in these acts of Love and Kindness. Thank you!
I look forward to having even a greater year in 2009! I have never felt closer to my core being than I do now and this is a good thing. What a wonderful feeling to know one's self! Now I am not saying that I know myself, but I am feeling much closer. When I look in the mirror now I feel Love. I see the man that I am and I surrender that to the Holy Spirit. May I be the best person I can and leave the gender identity challanges in the past. I am who I am and that is good enough. There are so many things in Life that I enjoy, so let me focus on those and be those. I desire to be the Joy I seek, to bring a smile to a persons face when they see me, and to experience the Christ in each person I meet. Life is about Loving and being Loved, that simple.
12-26-2008 8:48:29 PM CST
I have received some good guidance today. Been reflecting on who I am and what I enjoy doing. This changes with my mood, but a few things are clear. Beauty, Nature and Art seem to be things that I really have a passion for. My artistic skills are limited, but I do have a good "eye" and intuition. Balance and Harmony come naturally to me. Since I am searching for a new vocation, something I enjoy and make money at, career thoughts have taken charge. MRI is fun and I am good at that, but I feel it is time to move on. Plants have always been a passion of mine, so I will be looking for work with here in knoxville. Not sure what I can do, but I am willing to ask around. Btw, Christmas dinner with family went very well, it felt great to be with family and dressed the way I have always wanted to. To me it felt very natural, and I hope they enjoyed having me there also. I realize it is a big change and I am willing to take it slow. I just want them to know that I do Love them, reguardless of how it appears. In a book I read recently the TG author said she felt it would have been easier to be Gay than Transgender and I know exactly what she meant!
12-22-2008 10:19:17 PM CST
Dreams are what life are made of and mine are of have surgery, living fully as a woman and freely expressing my femininity. I am discovering that my family really does not know me very well. This is facinating to me because we have all been on good relations throughout our lives. Now we are not all that close, but average for an american family. My dilemma is whether to stay in town with family or to move on much like I did 18yrs ago. I know that moving on would be the easiest thing and would facilitate my transition since others would have no expectations, however I feel like I need to stay to develop my relationships with my family here. Although this could be persistent resistance, since that which you resist persists. I am also feeling resistance to my transition here from family, mostly my Father and Brother who have grown a lot alike. Our family seems to have a Love/hate relationship mostly these days. I will focus on the Love part, since I really want nothing to do with the opposite of that. Love is the way, but does that mean staying or going?
12-21-2008 1:39:47 PM CST
Some big events recently have kept me very busy. I write this while waiting to leave Las Vegas after a successful trip. This is the first time I have had the pleasure to be a Maid-of-Honor! Plus being there for my ex-wife as she married the most amazing man! I Love them both so very much. And I only cried a little. ;-) Joy fills our days, each and every day. It has been great running around in a city where I almost fit in. Life is Good. I met a wonderful man on Friday night and had a wonderful conversation, something I don't allow myself very often. I realize that I need to loosen up and just enjoy myself, but I still am a bit self conscious. Throughout the weekend I received several nice compliments on my looks, which always feels good. We ate like royalty and generally had a great time. I am very grateful for a smooth trip home to Knoxville. The weather is beautiful although a bit cool and this is to be expected this time of year. Christmas is only 4 days away. Today is the winter solstice and marks the 4th year before the end of time! (as we know it) I look forward to infinite possibilities and general daily bliss that this time represents. Heck, I am very close to that now! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Amen
12-11-2008 9:35:45 PM CST
Christmas is coming soon and I have so much to be thankful for! All my dreams are manifesting, my cup runneth over, and the more things change, the more they stay the same. I have always had a great abundance in my life and for this I am so grateful. Life is good and very Good! It does feel good to be the person I have always known myself to be and to stop pretending to be who others expect me to be. There comes a time in one's life where we must put ourself ahead of others and just let go. We are Loved no matter what anyone says or does, this never changes. Once we realize this, life gets much simpler. Not necessarily easier, but simpler. I care so very much that I am willing to step back and give up. By this I mean let go of that which is not permanent and that which remains is permanent. I believe that I know that I know what that is, but am prepared to be wrong. LOL, if that is possible. Love is all there is, all else is simply an expression of this. Be it in the form of opposites or Blessed Creations. Thank you Lord for a wonderful ride! I can only imagine that it gets even better from here! For Christmas this year I get to be me! Simple and true, plain and inspired.
12-10-2008 2:41:30 PM CST
Today is a down day for me, just because I am being faced with my choices. In one week I go to finalized my divorce on the 17th and my partner told me today that she is going to Las Vegas on Friday to re-marry on the 20th. I knew she would be doing this and she and the lucky man both have my blessings, but I had no idea that they would be doing it so soon! I thought she had to wait 30 days to re-marry, but that is only in Tennessee. Hense the trip to Las Vegas. They have invited me to join them and I am happy to be by their side, I just was not mentally prepared for this to be so soon. I am very Happy for them and know that they will be very happy as well in their new lives. The good thing is that I know this is the right thing to do. I think my ego was getting in the way by trying to tell them how to do their wedding. It is not my place to interfere, to participate, yes, but not interfere. I will let them make the arrangements and be the Loving, Supportive person I have always been. Another step on the journey of Love... May we be Blessed along the way.
12-04-2008 10:23:21 PM CST
We are all moved in now and it feels so good to have my own room and a place to call home! Since I have been so busy I have put a hold on any more electrolysis till after the new year, but the name change business is going great. By Christmas I should have most of my accounts taken care of. Actually by next week most of them will be done. I am so happy that things are going so smoothly. Each day I get more comfortable with my voice. I still get the "sirs" on phone calls, but I am getting better. The trick is to not let it bother you, technically I am still male physically. Unlearning all my male habits has been a real challenge, but I feel better about "who I am" now and know that it will get better each day. I love feeling feminine and pretty, but am not sure yet how I feel about men. My fantacies are shifting from women to men now, and I find this very facinating. I really want to have the female anatomy when I am with a man for the first time, for right now I enjoy the company and friendship. That is all I can handle for the time being. I am so grateful for the Love and support I am receiving! I am truly Blessed! In many ways I feel like a child, discovering a new life! Starting over again, How awesome is that!?!
11-22-2008 9:57:19 AM CST
This week has been so busy getting ready to move into our new house. I managed to get an hour in electrolysis and it was a nice break from all the painting and housework. I don't feel very feminine in my work clothes, but I am fine with that. The good news is that I went to court on Tuesday, Nov 18th and had my name changed to "Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter"! I am so thrilled to have that done. Now I begin the long process of switching my name on all my accounts. My gender remains male until I have surgery, but I feel like I am making great progress. I have my new Social Security card and Drivers License already, and have the financial accounts yet to go. I notified everyone on my email list of the change also. The journey continues....
11-16-2008 10:03:05 PM CST
We had a great drive to Atlanta this weekend to pick up John. He is our new member of the family. He will be marrying my partner after we divorce in a month and we will all be living together. I am not sure what our relationships will look or feel like, but so far I am very pleased. It is another lesson in Love that I joyfully accept. He is all that we had hoped and more, a partner to Juanita and a dear friend to me. Intimacy (in to me see) is an area I am open to expanding. With some help, this area of my life will grow and deepen in ways that I am not even aware of yet. I can feel the change coming and I relax in quiet expectation of new experiences. Even though I am not the least bit interested in sex these days, I suspect that this will change with my surgery. The thought of being with a man as the woman I feel inside is very intriguing, even somewhat exhilarating. At this point in my life I find both men and woman attractive, so I am just focusing on the person and not the shell that contains them. Love is the way!
11-11-2008 10:14:11 AM CST
Today I am feeling a little overwhelmed. We are working on getting the house ready to move into, I have ministry projects to do, and an ebay business on the side that has been very frustrating. I go for more laser today and while I still have plenty of savings, I am considering getting a job here soon, but am waiting till I get my name change done in a week. I will not be able to leave Knoxville till after Dec 17th when the divorce is finalized, but after that I cannot make any promises as to what I will do. I suppose the universe will decide, as I am not able to at this time. Staying true to my word is more difficult than I thought it would be. Sigh, If history is any indicator, all will work out wonderfully. I should be excited about all the wonderful things happening in my life and the world, and when I find the time I will be.
11-04-2008 4:14:43 PM CST
We had a great time 'trick or treating' with our grandkids for Halloween. I am so please with the acceptance I am receiving everywhere we go, such loving people. My life is going so well now, and each day I get more comfortable going out and living as a natural woman. It really makes a big difference on how others view you when you accept yourself. When I am my usual happy self and not focusing on "me" life goes so smoothly. On Monday I started voice lessons over Skype with a lady from San Francisco. The process went really well and I am looking forward to our next session in a week. She is getting me set up with some exercises to build my vocal cords and is helping me to find my voice. I am faily close now, but with some refinement my voice will be more feminine. It is important for me to have a feminine voice since I am so tall, there will be no question as to if I am a woman. Of course a tall woman would probably not have a very high voice anyway, so I am miles ahead already. I continue to have electrolysis and am finding that it is getting easier as my skin is getting more used to the "zaps". In this department, I find that desire overrides comfort for the most part. The ladies I am working with make sure I am as comfortable as possible and are doing a fabulous job! I love being treated as a lady.
Tonight I am going over to visit with my father. He loves me, this I know and I also know that he wants what is best for me as he has loved and suppported me all my life and for this I am eternally grateful. Even though we have had a difference of opinion on several issues we both do our best to respect each other. This is the first time he has seen me in femme so I will take it slow and allow him time to get used to my new look.(meaning no dresses or heavy makeup) More on this adventure later....
10-29-2008 9:59:36 AM CST
Today is a day of reflection and Peace. I had a wonderful day yesterday as I was out and about. I was fully dressed with makeup and felt wonderful. In the afternoon I had the opportunity to have my nails done and I decided to go with a Halloween color, Orange! It is one of my favorite colors. After that I went to pick up my ring that my partner and I are going to exchange here soon. We have been married for 12 yrs and though the ride has had it's downs, far more of the adventures have been UP. We will be divorced in mid-december (we go to court Dec. 17th) and while I am sad about that, it is for the best of all concerned. The thing I am excited about is that She and I will exchange "friendship" rings that will symbolize our Love for one another. She has truely showed me what uncondtional Love is all about, and I am so grateful for that. What an increadible feeling to be loved no matter what! I realize how hard this has been for her and yet she still stands beside me and supports me. This is Love. She is moving on to fullfill her destiny and live her life's lessons, and at the same time, so am I. The fact that we can do this together and still live together in Love and support is so wonderful. No matter what happens in the future, our Love will always exist, how we choose to share that Love is up to us. It is up to each individual how they express God's Love, so How is Love expressing in your life? Follow your heart and Love freely, it is your nature.
10-23-2008 8:45:26 AM CST
I just read "Katie Glover's Girl Guide" an E-Book. It is very good and is much like other tranny books, focused on the illusion. I could not help but feel that some of the best aspects of being "transgender" were missed. To me transgender is a feeling, or an expression of self. It is something we are compelled to do/be. Now that I am living full time, I feel more confident than ever and would never go back to living as I did before. Of course I do have my up and down moods, sometimes I feel very feminine and sometimes not. It is not about the illusion, but about being yourself and I am sure many if not all woman and men go thru these moods. The horomones may have something to do with my feelings, but I believe it is more to do with thought. When a man or woman transitions it affects all of those in their life. So you could say that the whole family transitons, including close friends. In the larger scheme, the whole world is transitioning, and my transition is just a personal version of the larger whole. Again this is my perspective, yours maybe different. This is why it takes time for all those in your life to accept the changes they are seeing. I am a woman, despite the appearances of the past 45 yrs. The male role models I have been placed in seems to be the largest obstacles I am facing now. We create that which we feel we need and if the shoe looks as if it fits - then it is placed. I went along with this since I was not ready to come out, although I did make an effort to distance myself from the traditional role of the male at my age and position in the family. Please understand that roles are made up, and that I can play any role I choose, but that is not who I am. Nor are you your roles. "all the world is a stage, and we are mearly players" to quote Shakespeare. So when you see me or anyone really, get to know them without placing them in a role. It is so gratifying to know a person for who they are, and not the person we expect them to be. Names are a necessary tool in this world to maintain a persona, so as my female self emerges and takes it's place please help me by using "Sequoia" when you refer to me, talk to me or call for me. Eventhough I have male body parts still, I prefer to be refered to as SHE/HER. I chose "Sequoia" because it really has no gender and if we could get by without pronouns, replacing she or he with "Sequoia" this would be closer to God's Truth.
10-21-2008 9:42:55 PM CST
Well, being back in Tennessee feels good. The warm welcome helped a lot. I am living full time as a woman now that I am not going to work. Not quite ready to change my name but soon I will make it official. I find that most people are more curious about my height than my gender, they want to know how a woman can be so tall. Of course it is easy, height runs in the family. The good news is that I have dealt with this all my life and so it is not a big deal to me, I have come to peace with my height ( 6'11"). I feel so comfortable as a woman and it is good to be myself now in a way that shows for all to see. Of course I do have much more journey to go and I look forward to all the gifts that life has to offer. I am grateful for all that I have.
10-17-2008 8:06:13 AM CST
I had my electrolysis session yesterday and I am very pleased with the results. Mild pain thanks to hydrocodone and my determination to get this over with. An excessively positive attitude helps also. It is such a joy to have your dreams come true and this is the path that need be taken, so lets make this journey a pleasent one. I will be going once a week for now. The good news is that I really do not have a lot of hairs and they are coming out easily. It sure helps to have laser done first. It gets the dark, tough ones out of the way. On a different subject, I had my inner voice tell me on the way home yesterday that I could not have done this before now, as I could not have handled it. Things do not happen till you are really ready for them, so that is why even though I considered this journey at 17 I am on it at 47. All good things in good time. As I awaken in consciousness I am aware that time does not matter, in fact it doesnt even exist! Now there is a thought! One thing I do know is that this time/space experience is running out so I better get a move on to complete my life's purpose. As we all know Jesus did his best work in the last few years of his life; we cannot fail.
10-15-2008 1:35:55 PM CST
The journey continues... started laser again on my face last monday, Oct 13th now that I am back in Tennessee. All went well, better than well actually. I have very few hairs left that need electrolysis. A few pesky hairs on my neck are the main focus now. I start electrolysis tomorrow, YAY. I have been meditating and visualizing my face with no hair on it, my sexy female body and flowing long reddish hair. I am woman, hear me purrrrrrr.
It feels so good to be off work and free to write and relax. I have gotten much done already, including clean house and cook. I am very pleased with the warm reception I have recieved wherever I go here in Knoxville. Mostly I have been greeted with a "Hello, Ma'am", which puts a big grin on my face and warmth in my heart. Life is so wonderful.
10-08-2008 3:47:47 PM CST
To expand on the idea of transformation effecting all the world, not just me, I ask this question. How do things feel to you? Can you feel the urgency with which the world moves? We are in a do or die situation. Either the world changes to become self sustaining or this world will no longer exist. The same goes for me. However, some would argue that the change will happen anyway and that nature heals all imbalance. I agree. It is just phenomenal that the changes I observe in the world around me are simply a reflection of my own inner challanges. As I sit here marveling at the power and glory this world beholds, I am reminded that I chose to be here now in this experience. Thank you for joining me on this journey. Also I realize that life is eternal and just because I did not have the connection I needed to make the change from male to female physical form in the 70's, I am so grateful to be doing it now! Life is so forgiving and we each will get repeated opportunities to experience all we desire. So have faith and follow your dreams! I pray we all can see the wonder and beauty life has to offer and that there truely are Infinite Possibilities. Our only limits are what we impose on ourselves. I forgive you and want you to know that you are Loved. Feel our Oneness, know the Truth, and be Free.
10-07-2008 5:07:08 PM CST
We went to Chena Hot Springs this past weekend and had a fantastic time! This little community is tucked away in the wilds of alaska and operates totally off the grid with geothermal power. They have their own greenhouse, air strip and power plant. The Hot Springs are the big draw though and for good reason, the 106 to 115 degree water warms you to your very soul. The water is extremely soft so my skin was soft as silk after a few hrs in the spring water. This was the first time I have ever gone in public in a one piece bathing suit and it felt great. I was a little self conscious, but for the most part all went wonderfully. The whole weekend I was dressed in femme and was accepted by all those I met. Alaskans seem so accepting and being in what I perceive to be a community of the future, I am very hopeful for mankind. The peace there was not the least of the wonderful things we experience. Juanita is such a dear and loving partner to me, I am so grateful for her support though this time of transition for me. Her happy face and bubbly laughter wherever we went made the weekend all the better. I mostly smiled and did not talk much, but did manage to meet several wonderful people through Nita's befriending everyone we ran across. The 20 degree weather and snow made the adventure all the more exotic. I came away feeling grateful to be alive in this time of transition not only for me, but for the entire world. We had an opportunity to make this transtion back in the early 70's (energy crisis) and we refused to change. Now that things are moving again I am truly Joyful in the positive changes that are happening beneath the surface of turmoil surrounding us. Peace exists always, all we need do is be aware of it. Love is the way.