02-22-2009 12:11:26 PM CST
Today has been a weird day, I woke up feeling strange and stayed in bed for hours. My estrogen patches ran out last thursday so I am running on low right now. The other meds are Ok and the new horomones should be here anyday. Being unemployed makes things a little tighter that I would like, but I am getting by. I had an interview last thursday and it went really well! It sounds like a fun job that I would enjoy. I really care about people but don't know how best to serve. I have been asking for guidance and here I am in full transition, taking responsiblity for my life and living to the best of my ability. The change is a little slower than I would like but I hear that is normal. Thank goodness for the internet since I have been writing quite a bit lately, plus I am doing stock photography as well. Every little bit helps and I do enjoy what I am doing. The other thing that I really enjoy the most is being a housewife(at least playing that role). Cooking, cleaning and doing errands are what I did as a youngster with my Mom so I got pretty good at them. Ahhh, the simple life.
02-19-2009 11:17:52 PM CST
Some insights that came to me this evening are simply that my core has not changed and can not change. My exterior is changing nicely though and I do feel that it better reflects my inner feelings. I am just having a hard time re-orienting my mind to the understanding that what I thought was male is really female. I have always known myself to be feminine, but thought of my self as a feminine male. Now that I am simply a woman.... How silly of me. Now that I am me, does it really matter what I look like on the outside? We both know the answer to that question. o.O
02-15-2009 11:59:13 PM CST
Once again I sit here writing the thoughs as they flow through me. I has been a Loving weekend. ;-) Lots of movies and some good food, gourmet pizza on friday night and sat., LOL. Home made Mexican tonight. I am so fortunate ;-) Mexican is my favorite. Actually I have several favorites and we will not get into that now. Eating is way too much fun. Moving on, I did my nails tonight and am debating getting them redone on wed. I plan on coloring my hair tomorrow, because I did not get around to it tonight. Going a little redder this time, and I am excited to see what it looks like. I am so very Happy with the length of my hair! I might have to actually cut it soon, ...Naaaaah. I used Nair last weekend and a week later and still no hair growth on my arms and very little on my body. I love horomones ;-) Used my last patches today and am praying the new ones show up by thursday. I order them online and they take a week to 2wks to get here usually. Maybe we will break a record for fast delivery this week. It is already tomorrow, so I must be going. Talk to you soon. Love YA, ;-)
02-13-2009 11:43:25 PM CST
To all my Sisters out there, I feel your Love and want to thank you. I Love you too. No matter how alone I am, I rarely feel alone. Serene is the word that best describes my feelings now. I know I am finally on the path and in many ways re-living my life. Every decision has ripple waves and this feels right! I feel good about myself and my path right now. I sit here in GREAT appreciation for everyone who Loves and supports me! These good moments so make up for the not so good ones, lol. I have come so close to the edge more times than I can count and right now I have to pat myself on the back for making it this far! I am 47 yrs old and soon to be 48...half a century is not far beyond that and I am so proud to be a part of this increadible place we call Earth Mother. ^.^
02-12-2009 1:21:53 PM CST
Calling all Children of God, can you hear it?
We are being called HOME ;-)
02-09-2009 8:04:04 AM CST
It is a question that has been hashed over many many times, but is very important to transition. WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE A WOMAN? Are you a woman, transvestite or a crossdresser? Right now I am a transvestite, technically speaking and we must be "OK" with each step of the way. Crossdressing is so easy because we have done it for so long, each of the next stages will be easy too as we practice and step into Being. The stages the butterfly take are not always pretty but they are necessary for the transformation to occur. For me it is not about sex or even relationships, I take this journey because I am compelled to do so! It is up to me to enjoy the ride or live in Hell. I CHOOSE JOY! In fact I have never been happier in my life. (well maybe as a child with my family, on vacation exploring the west) As a child we make no judgements we just see life and have fun. I was not trying to classify anything, I just accepted what I saw as what is. So now the journey is to accept what I see and realize that is only part of the story. I am that, I am!
I find it curious that no matter how I present, man, woman or other, my thoughts are the same, and it is my feelings that are more comfortable as a woman. It is as though the world makes better sense now.
02-05-2009 9:29:04 AM CST
I sit here in contemplation of Eckard Tolle's book "A New Earth". The discussion of evolution and the enlightenment of rocks(crystals) and plants(Flowers) really intrigues me. I understand what is meant by enlightenment now. It is a changing from one state of being to a higher ordered state. This change is permanent and is characterized by great beauty! The catapiller and butterfly are another example of this process. This is evolution and it is inevitable. It is happening now all over the world at every level of life here on earth. It has been happening for the past 4.6 billion years or more!! I am a part of this evolution and so are you! How you fit into the puzzle is up to you, not the "Universe". Can't you see, YOU are the Universe! You are a reflection in the oceans of Life we call Earth. I am transgendered because I connect to the Oneness in a deeply aware way. We all have aspects of both male and female, but that is not what Transgender is really about. It is about EVOLUTION. We are human beings transitioning to an enlightened state! What this looks like is a personal experience, so not everyone will experience this through gender. Some might experience this through anthropomorphication, which is the humanizing of animals or objects in there life. It can be thought of as seeing yourself in that which is in your life. For example, many people see themselves in their pets, or something they admire. Sorry to get off here but I wanted to explain so you would understand. Let me just conclude here by saying that Life exists on many levels, more than you can even imagine, and "you" are a part of all of them. You may appear separate in everyway you can conceive, and this is our journey. To allow ourselves to expand and become more than we appear to be. All we are really doing is being ourself. Now you just need to understand what that "self" is! Oh, and Enlightenment is coming to us all! And when you understand time and space you will see that you already are! God I Love this Journey!!
02-04-2009 11:34:35 PM CST
WoW, what a week. I have been so busy with my ebay business, plus starting an online business that I really have not had time to blog much. Not a lot has changed, so this should be brief. Emotionally I am really struggling and I think it has more to do with the job change than my personal situation. The good news is that I am going to a support group here in Knoxville that I found which really excites me. Some days are great with the reactions I get from others being very supportive or at least inquisitive in a good way and other days I feel out of place and surrounded with tension. We went to a free buffet at a bar tonight and I could not stand the energy there so I left. Now I have never liked bars anyway, and tonight that feeling was amplified. If I am with someone I really like and get into the happenings I can have a great time at bars. These are usually laid back kind of places with good music and companionship. I am happy that I did not drink any alcohol as I know it would make me sick feeling. This I am proud of! Sometimes we must celebrate the smallest of victories and let the rest go.... Goodnight for now, and I will let you know how the support group went in a day or two! Plus I have a visitor coming this weekend that I am very excited about! More on this later too ;-)
01-31-2009 11:09:22 PM CST
Arch Angel Michael please
remove all attachments from me
all negative energy forms
all negative thought forms
all heavy energy forms
all small demons and large demons
all human-in-spirit and send them Home
all threads and bindings,
all cords and ties
all chains and devices of any kind
Return me to my perfect energy NOW please.
01-29-2009 10:52:19 PM CST
Today has been a good day overall, however I feel lousy now after reviewing my finances. The more motivations I get from others the more stressed I feel. Life is a gift and I am very grateful. Right now I would just like to stay in bed however! I am feeling very conflicted with what I know is right and all the "you should be doing this or that" that I hear. Deep down I know all is well, I just wish I felt that on the outside too. I enjoyed my career as a MRI tech, but it is not nor has it ever been "my goal in life". I need to stay focused on my desires and be open to possibilities. Helpful supportive encouragement would be nice right now too. Giving comes easy for me, it is the recieving that I have difficulty with. Well I will sleep on this and see what tomorrow brings. I guess these are the tough days where I need to just hang on, because I know things will improve soon.
01-26-2009 9:36:38 PM CST
RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
01-25-2009 7:28:52 AM CST
My ship is afloat upon the seas, and there is no sight of land. This tiny tub, what seems like an innertube, is getting old. The waves are high and the wind strong, but slowly I move forward. Is it forward? Actually I have no idea where I am going, only that I pray everyday for land. The salty spray of the sea both tires and refreshes me every few seconds. As hot as the sun is I am happy to see it. The sun gives me some sense of direction, but of course with no way to stear this tube I just sit here wondering if I will still be alive when this things washes ashore. My favorite "activity" if you can call it that is when the waves get really high and the tube is lifted up high, the view is awesome. No sight of land yet but I am hopeful. Why, you ask? Well, I can feel my success! It is that simple. As long as this journey is, I can feel Success!
01-22-2009 10:28:07 PM CST
Each day is a new day, so may the next bring Peace and tranquility in new and refreshing ways. My feelings are running deep, but the words are slow flowing today. I have noticed that "I" don't really feel any different after almost a year on horomones, or maybe it is I have grown used to them. My body on the other hand is reacting nicely and I have a delicious female form emerging! My breasts are large and firm, nipples are a bit sore, but feel strangely good. When I look in the mirror I see the person I know myself to be and that is a fantastic feeling! At times I still have the sensation that I am a fake, a man dressed as a woman, and technically I still am. A male woman! Integrating into society has yet to be accomplished, but my presentation is very good. Most people see me as the woman I am. The transition is well under way and is right on track. I just wish I had someone else tell me that. It has been almost 8 wks since I had a session with my counselor due to my financial situation. I feel like that will change very soon, as I am registered with several temp agencies and have my resume' with several jobs here locally. My ebay business is going well and most of my bills are being paid on time. I have what I need. I pray that I can get some more funds here soon though so I can continue the transition more completely and schedule my surgery within the next year. Like a child waiting for christmas, I am ready for this!
01-16-2009 11:58:36 AM CST
Been a few days since I wrote anything so I will share some thoughts with you. I am working on another mini-book and it is coming along fabulously. Been dreaming a lot about having SRS and am really looking forward to that time. The feelings I get about SRS are very positive and I haven't a doubt that it is the right choice for me. The one thing that is a bit odd to me is guys are flirting with me now and I am not used to that. I don't mind and in fact it can be fun, but just not in my comfort range right now. I suppose that is a good thing as I am expanding my horizons, broadening my views and my experiences. I can only imagine what it would be like to truly be with a man as a woman. The male act always seemed awkward to me at best and have sworn that off forever, however to be on the recieving end is quite intriguing. In a matter of months there is a distinct possibility that I will be experiencing this most wonderful of unions. Ah, the endless possibilities of life are really what it is all about. Freedom of choice in a world that is our playground! You just gotta Love IT!
01-07-2009 10:05:03 PM CST
Today I got all dressed up to go out with my ex's hubby, my dear friend John. It felt good to be out and about. As usual I got a lot of looks, but this time seemed different, more natural, more like business as usual! As we ran about doing errands things seemed to be so natural like we have been friends for years even though we met for the first time only 2 months ago. We have been online friends for almost two years and I am sure that makes a big difference, however meeting in person is very different than online! The funny part is that he is now married to my ex and she met him after I did. She had a hard time with me transitioning and he was there for her. I really appreciate that he is here now and that he took care of her in my process of seperation. I know it was hard for her but it had to be done. Love isn't always easy and I did not take this decision lightly. I am happy I did what I did (move out) and I am even more happy to be back as my true self. Her demonstration of Love to me has made my Life worth Living! I feel like a huge mountain has been peaked and now I am ready to move on the the next peak!
01-01-2009 4:20:21 PM CST
Things that work for me! Here are a few things for all you gender benders out there. One of the biggest issues we face is hair removal, so let me share a few things that have worked for me. On the lower body (below the neck) Nair for Men works wonders. Be careful and follow the directions as this stuff can burn if you leave it on too long and make sure it does not touch your private parts or your nipples, OUCH. The soft hairless skin you get afterwards is well worth the effort however. Also make sure you are very generous when putting it on, it works much better that way. Shaving is still a necessity on my face although I only shave every other day thanks to Kalo epilating lotion. All I do is rub some on after shaving and again that night and the hair growth is retarded. I have noticed that the hairs are smaller now and very fine. A great improvement over the rough hairs I used to have. On the face and neck I can say the way to go is Laser! Compared to electrolysis it is cheaper in the long run and works wonders! The only catch is that laser does not work on white hairs, so do this ASAP ladies! I wish I had done this 30yrs ago! As soon as you are sure this is the path for you go get laser, esp. on your face and neck. Now that I am on horomones the rest of my body is really not hairy at all. I did use the Kalo on the rest of my body with good results too. So, between the Kalo, Nair, and Horomones I no longer have to shave, not even my legs!!
12-31-2008 11:00:56 PM CST
2008 has been the best year of my life so far! I am so grateful for all the gifts of Love I recieved this year. Much of my life's purpose was fullfilled in these acts of Love and Kindness. Thank you!
I look forward to having even a greater year in 2009! I have never felt closer to my core being than I do now and this is a good thing. What a wonderful feeling to know one's self! Now I am not saying that I know myself, but I am feeling much closer. When I look in the mirror now I feel Love. I see the man that I am and I surrender that to the Holy Spirit. May I be the best person I can and leave the gender identity challanges in the past. I am who I am and that is good enough. There are so many things in Life that I enjoy, so let me focus on those and be those. I desire to be the Joy I seek, to bring a smile to a persons face when they see me, and to experience the Christ in each person I meet. Life is about Loving and being Loved, that simple.
12-26-2008 8:48:29 PM CST
I have received some good guidance today. Been reflecting on who I am and what I enjoy doing. This changes with my mood, but a few things are clear. Beauty, Nature and Art seem to be things that I really have a passion for. My artistic skills are limited, but I do have a good "eye" and intuition. Balance and Harmony come naturally to me. Since I am searching for a new vocation, something I enjoy and make money at, career thoughts have taken charge. MRI is fun and I am good at that, but I feel it is time to move on. Plants have always been a passion of mine, so I will be looking for work with here in knoxville. Not sure what I can do, but I am willing to ask around. Btw, Christmas dinner with family went very well, it felt great to be with family and dressed the way I have always wanted to. To me it felt very natural, and I hope they enjoyed having me there also. I realize it is a big change and I am willing to take it slow. I just want them to know that I do Love them, reguardless of how it appears. In a book I read recently the TG author said she felt it would have been easier to be Gay than Transgender and I know exactly what she meant!
12-22-2008 10:19:17 PM CST
Dreams are what life are made of and mine are of have surgery, living fully as a woman and freely expressing my femininity. I am discovering that my family really does not know me very well. This is facinating to me because we have all been on good relations throughout our lives. Now we are not all that close, but average for an american family. My dilemma is whether to stay in town with family or to move on much like I did 18yrs ago. I know that moving on would be the easiest thing and would facilitate my transition since others would have no expectations, however I feel like I need to stay to develop my relationships with my family here. Although this could be persistent resistance, since that which you resist persists. I am also feeling resistance to my transition here from family, mostly my Father and Brother who have grown a lot alike. Our family seems to have a Love/hate relationship mostly these days. I will focus on the Love part, since I really want nothing to do with the opposite of that. Love is the way, but does that mean staying or going?
12-21-2008 1:39:47 PM CST
Some big events recently have kept me very busy. I write this while waiting to leave Las Vegas after a successful trip. This is the first time I have had the pleasure to be a Maid-of-Honor! Plus being there for my ex-wife as she married the most amazing man! I Love them both so very much. And I only cried a little. ;-) Joy fills our days, each and every day. It has been great running around in a city where I almost fit in. Life is Good. I met a wonderful man on Friday night and had a wonderful conversation, something I don't allow myself very often. I realize that I need to loosen up and just enjoy myself, but I still am a bit self conscious. Throughout the weekend I received several nice compliments on my looks, which always feels good. We ate like royalty and generally had a great time. I am very grateful for a smooth trip home to Knoxville. The weather is beautiful although a bit cool and this is to be expected this time of year. Christmas is only 4 days away. Today is the winter solstice and marks the 4th year before the end of time! (as we know it) I look forward to infinite possibilities and general daily bliss that this time represents. Heck, I am very close to that now! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Amen
12-11-2008 9:35:45 PM CST
Christmas is coming soon and I have so much to be thankful for! All my dreams are manifesting, my cup runneth over, and the more things change, the more they stay the same. I have always had a great abundance in my life and for this I am so grateful. Life is good and very Good! It does feel good to be the person I have always known myself to be and to stop pretending to be who others expect me to be. There comes a time in one's life where we must put ourself ahead of others and just let go. We are Loved no matter what anyone says or does, this never changes. Once we realize this, life gets much simpler. Not necessarily easier, but simpler. I care so very much that I am willing to step back and give up. By this I mean let go of that which is not permanent and that which remains is permanent. I believe that I know that I know what that is, but am prepared to be wrong. LOL, if that is possible. Love is all there is, all else is simply an expression of this. Be it in the form of opposites or Blessed Creations. Thank you Lord for a wonderful ride! I can only imagine that it gets even better from here! For Christmas this year I get to be me! Simple and true, plain and inspired.
12-10-2008 2:41:30 PM CST
Today is a down day for me, just because I am being faced with my choices. In one week I go to finalized my divorce on the 17th and my partner told me today that she is going to Las Vegas on Friday to re-marry on the 20th. I knew she would be doing this and she and the lucky man both have my blessings, but I had no idea that they would be doing it so soon! I thought she had to wait 30 days to re-marry, but that is only in Tennessee. Hense the trip to Las Vegas. They have invited me to join them and I am happy to be by their side, I just was not mentally prepared for this to be so soon. I am very Happy for them and know that they will be very happy as well in their new lives. The good thing is that I know this is the right thing to do. I think my ego was getting in the way by trying to tell them how to do their wedding. It is not my place to interfere, to participate, yes, but not interfere. I will let them make the arrangements and be the Loving, Supportive person I have always been. Another step on the journey of Love... May we be Blessed along the way.
12-04-2008 10:23:21 PM CST
We are all moved in now and it feels so good to have my own room and a place to call home! Since I have been so busy I have put a hold on any more electrolysis till after the new year, but the name change business is going great. By Christmas I should have most of my accounts taken care of. Actually by next week most of them will be done. I am so happy that things are going so smoothly. Each day I get more comfortable with my voice. I still get the "sirs" on phone calls, but I am getting better. The trick is to not let it bother you, technically I am still male physically. Unlearning all my male habits has been a real challenge, but I feel better about "who I am" now and know that it will get better each day. I love feeling feminine and pretty, but am not sure yet how I feel about men. My fantacies are shifting from women to men now, and I find this very facinating. I really want to have the female anatomy when I am with a man for the first time, for right now I enjoy the company and friendship. That is all I can handle for the time being. I am so grateful for the Love and support I am receiving! I am truly Blessed! In many ways I feel like a child, discovering a new life! Starting over again, How awesome is that!?!
11-22-2008 9:57:19 AM CST
This week has been so busy getting ready to move into our new house. I managed to get an hour in electrolysis and it was a nice break from all the painting and housework. I don't feel very feminine in my work clothes, but I am fine with that. The good news is that I went to court on Tuesday, Nov 18th and had my name changed to "Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter"! I am so thrilled to have that done. Now I begin the long process of switching my name on all my accounts. My gender remains male until I have surgery, but I feel like I am making great progress. I have my new Social Security card and Drivers License already, and have the financial accounts yet to go. I notified everyone on my email list of the change also. The journey continues....
11-16-2008 10:03:05 PM CST
We had a great drive to Atlanta this weekend to pick up John. He is our new member of the family. He will be marrying my partner after we divorce in a month and we will all be living together. I am not sure what our relationships will look or feel like, but so far I am very pleased. It is another lesson in Love that I joyfully accept. He is all that we had hoped and more, a partner to Juanita and a dear friend to me. Intimacy (in to me see) is an area I am open to expanding. With some help, this area of my life will grow and deepen in ways that I am not even aware of yet. I can feel the change coming and I relax in quiet expectation of new experiences. Even though I am not the least bit interested in sex these days, I suspect that this will change with my surgery. The thought of being with a man as the woman I feel inside is very intriguing, even somewhat exhilarating. At this point in my life I find both men and woman attractive, so I am just focusing on the person and not the shell that contains them. Love is the way!