01-10-2013 3:54:24 PM MST
This Journal has just been made public again, so read all you like! The comment section does work, but it does not notify me when I comment is posted, so if you wish me to read it please email me and let me know the date of the journal post. If I could change this I obviously would, but alas that is an extra feature apparently. I appreciate your support and share this journal because God supports me...us ;-)
12-26-2012 9:55:37 PM MST
Life is good! The end of the world has come and gone, all is well. I feel really good about where I am in the journey and still have no aspirations or feel I must achieve anything further in this lifetime. If I get the money I will have the orchi, if not that is fine too. If I get a car I remain determined the vehicle will get 40mpg at least. I don't really care where I live although Denver is getting a bit boring and comfortable. It is time to go somewhere tropical, just not sure where at this point. February is the target date for a trip. Maybe I will take a cruise or jump a ship to Australia or something. A train ride sounds fun too. Maybe I could do that in Australia. Did I mention I prefer having the orchi asap? Anyway, The end of the year is only a few days away now, so I will wish myself a Happy New Year 2013. May the Highest and Best Good manifest for me, myself, and I :-)
12-12-2012 11:10:27 PM MST
It is funny how my feelings have changed over the past month or so. I no longer take anti-androgens and my desires to be with a man have subsided to the point now that I prefer to be with women, although I think sex is out for me all the way around. It does not interest me right now. This may change, but whatever it is all good. I will still get the Orchi when the funds come in, just keeping things simple. I feel my polarity is fairly neutral at the moment. I don't feel feminine or masculine. I am simply me. This is the way I want it too! I love my name, the way I dress, wearing makeup when the moods strikes me, and letting my hair grow as long as it wants to. If you see me as female, great... or if you see me as male in womans clothing, that is fine too. I am transgender and that pretty much sums it up! Life goes on.
12-08-2012 11:21:36 AM MST
Grateful List, I am grateful for...
A warm, comfortable place to live with someone who accepts me for me and actually cares how I am doing.
An awesome, fast computer to stay connected with the rest of the world and the service to make it so.
Time to write, learn, and create as my heart desires.
no longer participating in the insanity of every day life, as much as is possible without becoming a monk.
The opportunity to volunteer with like minded individuals and share my Love (self) with others.
having people in my life who love and respect me for who I am, and if not walking away with dignity.
for all the things I have learned in this lifetime.
Science of Mind, A Course in Miracles, The Law of One, NDW's books, Journey of Souls, and all other related metaphysical studies!
The Zeitgeist Movement and the focus on a new paradigm of society on earth, one based on Love.
for having the best parents anyone could ask for.
and most of all, I am grateful to experience Miracles on a daily basis ♥
11-03-2012 12:15:23 PM MST
While in the hot tub today I had a vision of my purpose in this lifetime concerning gender and relationships. It seems I have been female many times, had many children, and even been male too. The male dynasty was early in history and brutal. I learned strength and how to (ab)use it. The early female experiences where like that too, but more about manipulation and control. I feel a balance in this life which is very refreshing! The female form is most comfortable to me, but the male aspect (body) is here to balance my energy. It seems I need to embrace caring and compassion while in a position of power. This male body is very powerful! It has taught me temperance, patience, and forgiveness.
As far as relationships go, I feel like I have fullfilled my purpose of having two wonderful relationships with women as a man. The second being most fulfilling, while the first was all about growth. The path which lies ahead is as a powerful, caring, and loving woman. The male body is no longer necessary to "protect" me. I have felt safe in my strength and now I can carry this forward as the woman I am. I release this male body to the Great Spirit asking for alignment in Divine Feminine form. So Be It and so it is....
In my present form I desire a female masculine woman as a partner. She needs to accept me as a male feminine woman and be on an equal path to mine if not more advanced. I think Holy Spirit works with whatever is available, so if at some point I have surgery to have female parts, I will then shift to a male feminine man as a partner. Marriage is no longer necessary on any level. Love is all that is required.
10-21-2012 9:57:22 PM MST
Be you handsome man or beautiful woman, I release any and all attachments to form. May the Holy Spirit free me of illusion, delusion, and false belief. I surrender now to the Higher Powers that Be. The Divine "ball" is rolling, dreams are manifesting, and all is well. A happy, heathy Love Based Society is in the works powered by a Resource Based Economy. The next step on our evolutionary path is manifesting at this very moment. I am deeply grateful for the guidance received along the way! Please continue with the Love and the Light! namaste' Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter
09-24-2012 10:13:47 PM MST
God made each of us in her own image, however with the echoing mirrors of ego this image is distorted and manipulated to a point of being unrecognizable. The road home is seeing beyond the images to the Truth. I am you and you are me. It gets very confusing, but in the end it is quite simple, I am God and You are God!
The male and female are made to complement each other, this is why we have gender variance. I am attracted to women because I Love myself, however sexually I feel best with a man. I LOVE the feeling of a man inside me, filling me with his Loving Grace! The rhytmic joy of connecting to a point of ecstacy;-) Since I was born male, to balance this sexual energy, I have transitioned to female - as much as possible to this point. I may have male parts and even have a few times in the past played the male role successfully. My soul just knows this is not right. I need a man to love me properly and I prefer to have my anatomy adjusted to make this connection properly. If not in this life, then in the next. The only time I have made this connection confirmed my orientation and gender - I am WOMAN! I seem to be heterosexual as my orientation has not changed, I am attracted to the opposite sex. Being a pre-op transsexual this makes life a bit confusing. 8-)
Homosexuality is natures way to balance your energy...to set things right. Let your attachments go and follow the heart. You are always attracted to the person you need to be with, so stop putting limits on it. It is important to remember your partner has been both male and female in other lifetimes, so what difference does it make in this lifetime.
I have studied the scriptures of many teachings and they all point to like attracts like (human/human) and opposites attract (man/woman), just as we group all magnets together while their polarities of opposites attract. It is possible for two men to attract if they have opposite polarity, or same for two women.
09-12-2012 7:13:25 AM MST
I made the decision to embrace my dream of being a counselor, so I reloaded the Spiritual Counselor page and will be posting an advertizement on Craigslist. I plan on using any money made to get my certification in Spiritual Counseling thru The American Institute of Health Care Professionals, Inc. It is possible for me to get the classes I need for around $150 each and all I need is 7 classes. It is possible to have it all done in a yr.
I still remain open to my personal spiritual journey and continue to meditate daily, as much as I can each day. The challenge now is to stay rooted while I continue to grow in consciousness. "Be in this world, not of it" I feel better now than I did a few days ago, as it seems my mood has fluctuated some recently. I am sure the orchiectomy would help with this, however this remains a factor dependent on finances. Life is good and my Faith is strong - I am on the right path for me.
09-02-2012 10:06:23 PM MST
This speaks to me deeply, even though it is male centric. After having a reading today, my path seems clearer. Not sure what will actually take place, but I must have more income and if this means getting a "job" then so be it. As far as FL goes, not so sure it will happen. Maybe for a visit, not sure I even wish to live in the USA. She told me she sees me in the NW, near Seattle. It is nice up that way, but I just don't know. Probably be here in Denver till Nov. I have a feeling Deborah may move and I promised to help. I am having real difficulty seeing beyond 1-1-13, because I have vowed to exit this world by then. I focus on Love and keeping my Spirits High. I know this is vital in the coming days ahead. May the Highest and Best Good manifest for all concerned. ♥
08-09-2012 4:05:39 PM MST
I have made the decision to move to Florida. There are a couple of factors involved. One is the gender surgeon there has a big practice and low prices for the USA. I like the sea and warm air there too. The plants are another benefit. I know a few people in the Miami area and I have never been there for long. We will see how it works out.
Not sure who I will live with or what type of work I will do, however I will have to have some type of income. In order to raise the money for surgery and to live on. Deborah has been good to me, although I have been here long enough. It is time I moved on and expanded my network. I know I will always and all ways have what I need, the question is will I be able to exceed this? Why do I want to? It is funny how life has a different idea of how things should work out than I do. I still wrestle with the idea of surgery, whether it is right for me or not. It may not even matter, since this body will be gone in a few years anyway. I am not sure it even exists in reality. This could all be a mind game with myself.
So for now I will tie up loose ends and prepare to start again in a new location. Where ever I go, there I am.
07-31-2012 12:14:00 PM MST
I noticed my increasing desire for sweets. When I transitioned 5 yrs ago one of the things I changed was my consumption of sweets. Not that it was ever over the top, excessive. I hardly ever use white processed sugar now, and when I do use sugar it is organic and un-processed. Honey is another substitute I use. It seems like the cravings come after eating, like I did not get enough even though I ate a large portion. I wonder if this has anything to do with my hormone levels, or is this a simple habit. I read that carbs increase the serotonin levels in the brain and I am sure it has something to do with this. Chocolate helps nicely, as does things like apple juice. I vow to make an effort to keep the quantity down and the quality up.
Otherwise things are going fine. I feel a bit out of balance and would prefer loosing the male anatomy completely either by SRS or a sharp knife! I have vowed to hold out till the end of the year, so I pray a solution comes along sooner! The cosmic shift is felt. I feel the changes happening and this is what keeps me going. I also feel what we have been teaching about gender is not the full story, so I hesitate to "get out there" and act like I have answers, because I don't. The identity of Male Woman still works for me. What exactly that means I am not sure. Life goes on.
07-15-2012 9:22:21 PM MST
Still going fine with no Spirononlactone. I say fine, but really I feel it would be better without any "T" left (post-op). The Finasteride is doing its job and reducing some of the "T". My estrogen dose is 4mg am and 2mg evening for 6mg total. This is about as good as I can do at this point physically.
Mentally and Spiritually I feel good changes. I know things are moving along nicely. My understandings and inner energy vibration is growing daily. My heart center is now open on demand as well as the third eye. I meditate most days, but not every day. My daily music regimen is centered on uplifting supportive instrumentals with nature sounds, new age, and binaural beats. Depression does catch up with me occasionally, however not often. I sing the music of my soul!
My transition plan has not changed. When the resources are available and depending on the amount I will take action to remove the male aspects of my physiology. I will not do this manually on my own this year. Come 2013, and I have not had the surgery or at least have the funds and schedule, then I can make no promises. I promised my self I would hold out till the end of this year and I am. I see no point in going on past this year with male parts. The only advantage I can see of having these male parts is it keeps me from physical relations (sex). I really do not wish or feel right participating in sex with these male body parts.
I also look to the world to end the ignorance and hatred. The cruelty must stop. I refuse to witness more of this insanity, the greed, control freaks, power mongers, and heartless actions. It kills me to see this and I look for the good in each person I meet and in each situation I witness - I know it is there. I forgive them for I know not what I do.
06-06-2012 8:23:02 AM MST
One thing I know for sure, I am as God made me. When I get the funding or find a doctor willing to do it for charity I will have an orchiectomy. My preference is to have it all removed, scrotum and penis. I hear they will do that for only a 1,000 more. At that point I will have no sexuality at all which seems right for me.
It really is all about balancing energy and I feel my energy is fairly balanced between masculine and feminine. I suppose things really have not changed that much. Integrating into society has never been easy for me. Now is no better than before. It does seem to me that I do not belong here. Somehow I am out of place. I suppose I am exactly where I am supposed to be since I am here. None of it really makes sense.
05-23-2012 8:56:18 AM MST
It has been over a month since I stopped the Spironolactone and the results are mixed. The constipation is not as bad, but still exists to a lesser degree. I feel it has much to do with my diet. An Orchiectomy or SRS would fix this situation nicely and it is just a matter of finding the funds. $4K would be enough to have it done mainstream. I am looking for options that would be less. If you know where I can get the Orchi for around $1K or less please let me know. Contact info is on the main website on the left menu bar. If you would like to make a donation, please use the same contact info. Thank You in advance for assistance!
I am being drawn to FL and plan on pursuing a move there in the fall. The summer is nice here and plus we have several big events I wish to participate in. I would like to complete my commitment to the Gender Identity Center as well. Dr. Harold Reed has low prices, so I am looking into that option. Not sure where I wish to live, but I am sure the Universe will come up with something. All is well in my world! I am slowly allowing myself to get excited about the changes happening now and Dec. 21, 2012. I am Ready
04-17-2012 8:52:32 AM MST
How does one love a male woman? …a transgender she/he has the mind of a woman, and both the breasts of a woman and the genitalia of a man. The passions of this person are not confined to one person or type of person. Instead they are ready to love and be loved by whomever so inspires them. The hormone level seems to dictate to a certain degree the direction they go or the way the battery is polarized so to speak. The only requirement is for both individuals to be respected and their needs met in a poetic, graceful fashion. The passion of each individual fuels the others passion and desire is driven to frenzy. The connection they feel is beyond words and can only be described as divine oneness. God is now with God, loving God the way and to the level only God can!
This is who I am! This partner has only been found once so far, and it was just as described – Divine! Who will be the next volunteer? Will there be a next? Can we set aside limitations imposed by society such as age, race, and culture? Only time will tell. Till then desire will simmer and stir, passions will grow…may the volunteer be prepared for what awaits them!
I have stopped taking the anti-androgen Spironolactone because the side effects were more than I could handle. The constipation was affecting many of my bodily functions besides digestion. Constipation of the mind is an unbearable feeling. This has now been relieved and life is better. I now have a strong sex drive and this is not desired. Having a partner who can help share this energy would be helpful. The feeling is described above. I continue taking estrogen 4mg a day and the finesteride 5mg. I am doing well for now. The answer is in finding someone to love me for me as both a male and a woman. I desire to be penetrated, cuddled, hugged, kissed – all over, and generally loved as any woman. The male parts are not important to me, but I am willing to share with my partner if they so desire.
03-28-2012 10:27:17 AM MST
Since everyone just loves labels, here is the one I prefer at the moment, Male Woman Pansexual. This conforms to a lecture I heard at Gold Rush that puts the catagories into a slot machine. Column One is Physical Sex, Two is Gender Identity & Expression (not always the same), and Three is Sexual Orientation. She actually uses five column/slots. With Sexual Pleasure being the last one, and we all agreed that is for private use only. For public use the slots would be Sex, Gender, and Orientation. Hopefully the gender felt is the gender expressed, but as I know all too well this is not always the case, so maybe the slot machine should have four columns. Personally my gender identity and expression are the same now, Thank God! This talk really helped me get a picture of who I am in this world, and I am really happy with this!
03-26-2012 8:21:19 AM MST
We just finished Gold Rush and I ended up being there all three days. My responsibilities where to set up the discussion rooms and be technical support. It was fun visiting with everyone. I saw people I had not seen in a few years and also met a few new people. It was as refreshing as it was tiring, lol. The days were very long, but then I need the exercise. Today is another long day, 11hrs at the GIC. I do really love volunteering, because I am where I wish to be and helping those who need it the most. I was really depressed last week and it seems Gold Rush has shaken that off. I feel more positive about the future and clearer on my role here. I am to assist the Transgender community with Love and emotional support - volunteering along the way. My other calling is to work towards a resource based economy. The world is full of abundance and it is time we embraced equality! We can be individuals AND be equals at the same time. Feeling the Love today ♥
03-13-2012 12:12:36 PM MST
Sometimes when you win, you lose. I have successfully transitioned to a point, and hit a wall. My appearance is perfect, I love it! However, nothing has really changed. I still feel disconnected and trapped in a world that has gone terribly wrong. My logical mind knows this is not so, and that all is right on track, but I still feel wrong. In fact it is intensifying! Maybe surgery would fix this, maybe not. I have no way of knowing, although I suspect it would not make any difference.
There have been glimses of the bliss/connection to source that I seek, however they are fleeting and unfulfilling. I know the Truth, and yet I am not free. Frankly I do not see myself ever integrating back into society, neither as a woman nor a man. Gender seems beside the point. My gender feels right now. Sex is not right, and frankly is a burden, I hate how the urges seem to control me. I feel a swelling inside that area (womb space), and know there is a tumor there. I have known about a cyst on the prostate gland for 30yrs, yet I am told it is not cancerous. The feeling seems deeper than the physical. Am I soon to give birth?
I surrender to Holy Spirit,... I commend my soul to your arms.
03-11-2012 10:16:53 PM MST
"Thank you for submitting an application for a Jim Collins Foundation grant. Unfortunately, we are not able to reward you a grant at this time."
This news came this past week and while I am not surprised I am disappointed. Surgery is looking doubtful these days, unless I truly experience a miracle. The money could come from many avenues and at this stage of the game I am happy getting an orchiectomy, at least that is a step in the right direction and can be done for $3000 or so. IF ANYONE WOULD LIKE TO DONATE THE $3K, PLEASE EMAIL THE ADDRESS PROVIDED ON THIS WEBSITE!
Things have not gotten desperate yet, however I can not say how much longer I can cope with this. There is no reason to "not" have the Orchi and I really wish I had done it before I changed careers. Without an income or a gift I see no way to cover this. I do realize the resource based economy is yet to form, although I also believe in the power of miracles. It is my vow to myself that I hold out till the end of the year. If nothing materializes by then, I may choose to take drastic action. It has been 5 yrs since I started hormone therapy and I am very happy with every aspect of my life, except the fact that I must continue to take the hormones as long as I live or until I have surgery. My attempt to get off hormones and just live as I am failed. The function of the male parts returned and drove me crazy. It is NOT me. Please forgive me for ever wanting to be a man. (which I must have, since I was born this way)
If anyone knows of a doctor doing charity work and is willing to do an orchiectomy, please contact me asap.
03-06-2012 10:53:00 PM MST
Insanity, it is what I see when I look at the news, or talk to people about politics, religion, or even shopping. The mirror is showing me Insanity! Ahh, but what do I expect in a world of separation, pain, suffering, and hate? This duality is tiring, YES - I see beauty, Love, Joy, and all those feel good things too. I make it a point to look for the good, the beauty, the Peace. In a dualistic world no matter how much beauty I see, I know there is just as much ugly! In a perfectly balanced world (nature makes sure things balance), what is the motivation to move forward and just where is forward?
It has been a good life. The rest is gravy. It is amazing to see how far I have come! The successes are too many to list, no really, I am very happy with my success! The most satisfying are, learning to read and write, as a dyslexic, visually challenged, not very bright child. The other thing is finally facing my transgender status, after sort of understanding it at the age of 17. I am still learning! The journey has been a sea of tears, laced with some really Joyous moments. ... I suppose if I was sane and living in an insane world I might feel outta place. O.o
02-27-2012 6:49:33 PM MST
There are 308 days left in this year. I am sticking to my promise I made myself. This is the last year for me. If the Universe deems it time for me to leave earlier that is fine. May the prophecies for 2012 manifest.
I hereby release any attachments I have in this 3d world. I vow to be Loving to every person I meet, to myself, and to those I have not yet met. If the opportunity to have surgery presents itself I will take it, if not then I am I fine with that too. As I have written about in Transitions Blog, it is my belief that all death is suicide and that we all choose when, where, and how we die. Whether we are aware of this fact is the only question.
My challenge to my self is to remain as high spiritually as possible, and to remain positive and helpful to all those in my life. Just as in any transition, it is key to remain positive, and in high spirits. I remain in this world to bear witness to the prophecies! I am not my body, although I am grateful for its service to me.
Please forgive me, I am sorry, Thank You, I Love You ♥
02-12-2012 3:43:29 PM MST
I have been in Tucson AZ for the past week and my goals have mostly been met. I have walked in the desert and felt the warm sun and breeze which seems to always take me back to a place of comfort, like being safe and warm in the womb of God. It is hard to explain why I feel this way here, it is sort of like touching home base, even though I am not from here. (Could be proximity to a lay line node) Guess this proves the power of feelings and soul memory.
The Mexican food has been a real treat, despite what anyone else says, Tucson has the best Burritos I have had anywhere, so it is comforting to connect with this pleasure again. It is also the birthplace of Chimichangas. I had a wonderful dinner with an old friend and feel much was accomplished for both of us. This is not to mention the Joy of being with my old friend Linda who is like a sister to me. She embodies all the spiritual principles we all aspire to - generosity, caring, compassion and peace. God Bless her for having me ;-)
The Gem show was per usual, so I find myself less impressed although it is sobering to think of incredible beauty and abundance reflected there. The highlight of the show for me is an awesome specimen of Tanzanite that not only was huge, but had a richness of color that boggled the eye. The show is like going to a museum where for the right price you can buy any piece.
I attended the SAGA (Southern Arizona Gender Associates) meeting and plan on attending the Desert Girlz this Monday. Once again I am impressed with the beautiful people and the level of knowledge that exists in this group. It is fun to socialize with those on a similar journey.
I had a dream this week that let me know that I am not to stay here. My path is back in Denver, so I will be returning Feb. 22nd and jumping back into my duties at the Gender Identity Center of Colorado as well as taking care of Deborah. This trip has been an indulgence for my soul which is feeling better already!
01-26-2012 9:50:49 PM MST
I have 338 days to go, maybe less depending on how things go. Part of me says it will not take that long and the other part says it will not happen at all. Either way, I am done come 2013. Of course nothing is set in stone, so I will keep on the path. It really is a forgone conclusion or a self-fulfilling prophecy. I choose Unity - Oneness and for that I do not need a body. I am who I am
01-25-2012 9:41:21 AM MST
If I had it to do over again, I would have an Orchiectomy from the very beginning when I was still making good money. The financial benefits are on a five year or there abouts scale. If SRS happens before this then the financial benefit is mute. Finances aside, the physical and health benefits of not having to take anti-androgen and only small doses of estrogen and possibly progesterone depending on the factors of your physiology are compelling. When you really think about it, supressing the male hormones or female if you are F2M is like putting your body in prison! Does it not make more sense to change the game than it does to keep fighting? Of course if you can afford SRS and have spent at least a few years consciously exploring your inner feelings concerning gender, then by all means go for it!
The last thing we should be concerned with at this point is the ability to have babies. The world has 7 billion people, do we really need more? Adopting is the way to go, but if it is really important to you then bank your sperm or eggs and get the surgery that will put your mind at ease. I recommend the same thing for F2M, get a hystorectomy and a breast recon, then worry about the phallus construction. I am not concerned one bit about having a vagina or to use the correct terms, a neo-vagina. Oh, it would be nice and I can only imagine the Joy and Pleasure that would come from being on that side of intercourse. Having experienced as close to both as I can with a male body I know that sex has one purpose, to connect with God. It is not about having kids, or anything like that. It is about the connection to the Divine that you feel. Sort of like a reminder of what it is like to be Divine!
01-19-2012 10:39:37 PM MST
So far this year is living up to expectations - bold, dynamic, and peaceful. I look around and my friends are excelling and living their dreams. Success is a common theme and I am happy to include myself in this. The work with the Gender Identity Center is going very well as is Unity in Gender Diversity. My eBooks are being read and well received while the website visits continue to blossom! I feel like my message of Unity, Oneness, and Divine Love is making a connection.
I plan on visiting old friends in Tucson, AZ next month. The thought of seeing friends, visiting the Beloved Desert, and discovering new opportunities excites me. The plan is to stay three weeks, visit with whoever is interested, walk in the desert, experience the culture, and attend the Gem and Mineral show.
My life could be over soon, so I am doing the things that sing to my soul. Tucson is one of them, the other is to visit Knoxville again and possibly see my brothers & father, and visit Juanita, Angelica and family. I love to visit those close to me, it has kept me going this long and I suspect it will keep me going a while longer.
I know big changes are coming and pray one of them is SRS. I know many souls will be leaving the earth plane this year and I want to visit with those I love. Too many to list really, but the point is that I am making the most I can of these most precious last days.