06-06-2008 10:28:22 AM CST
After a week in Alaska, I am pretty well settled in. The laser I had done on my face is great. Only the white hairs remain, and a few dark ones on my upper lip. Only having had 2 treatments so far that is a great relief. I still have to shave about every other day, but I am happy with the results. The horomones are doing well on my breast development and mostly I feel it in my mood. On wednesday I forgot to take my daily tablets of horomones and that being the last day of my horomone patch ( I change every thursday). Wow, I really noticed the change in my mood. I am already down a bit, being far away from my family. I really miss my partner, she has loved me so much and been so understanding. After putting on the new patch I am feeling better now. I will pay close attention to my daily routines. It is important to stay focused. The work here in AK will be fun and it is not hard. The real pleasure comes from doing a job well and knowing it. I sure am glad that I am feeling better. The next three months will fly by as I will stay busy with work and with my activities on the internet. Now that I am making money again, I have scheduled another appt. with my counselor and ordered another months worth of horomones, I am spending about $100 a month, which is great! I am so grateful for the guidance Dr. B has given me.
05-27-2008 8:08:41 PM CST
On the eve of my departure to Alaska I am somewhat pensive. The thought of having work for another 3mos. is great and exciting, but the fact is that I will be at least 3,000 miles from those I love and I will miss them. Having a support system is vital in making it through transition with the minimum of difficulties. I thank God my family is supporting me even though they don't understand what I am doing! That screams of Faith. It is a comforting thought to know that I am Loved reguardless of how I appear. Is it possible to be cute and intimidating at the same time? LOL. Another savings grace is SL. My friends there are very supportive and I get to support others. In helping them I help myself. Last but not least my counselor is great and has been so helpful in understanding who I am, where I am going, how it is done and what I need to look out for. So here I am Spiritual Peacemaker minister loving the world in the best way I know. Slowly expanding, growing, Glowing! I LOVE YOU God Bless us on our journey! Thanks for joining me here.
05-25-2008 5:37:16 PM CST
Today I received a great gift, one of understanding, carity and depth. An epiphany on Love. Love is not something that anyone can tell you what it is. In fact there is really no "right" way to Love. We simply know Love when it presents itself. Being home this past month with my partner has truely been wonderful as she is accepting me for who I am and Loving me as the woman that I am. Having this sort of Love is so wonderful that I am inspired to be all that I can be. On this journey to myself I can truely say that it has its ups and downs, and today is one of those increadible days that have been up, up, up. I Love Juanita very much and thank her for Loving me! My SecondLife friends also deserve my thanks, for they too are part of that Love. I Love each of you my dear ones, all my friends on SL. Blessings of Love to you! A couple of important aspects of Love are that it cannot be lost or taken away. Love is ever present, flowing and radiant. Love is something that we can share and in fact it must be in order for it to be experienced. There are no rules for said sharing, but a few guidelines are give that which you desire, expect nothing in return, and don't be picky. Everyone deserves our Love. Expect to be Loved! You get back what you put out in to the world! I am so grateful to have this opportunity to share my Love with you! XOXOXO, Sequoia
05-21-2008 4:46:25 PM CST
I am feeling much better now that I have a job again. Leave next week for Fairbanks AK, to work for the summer. A well paying job suits me very well. All is going as planned. The horomones are working wonders, skin is softening and my breasts are growing! We took photos of my upper body a few days ago, and I plan on taking them every month or so. Just want to see the changes as they occur. Believing is seeing! (no I do not have that backwards, that is how it works) This takes me back to SL, and why I love it. Allows me to visualize myself in the future, the true me! Or at least the me I desire! When I get some more money I will continue the work of removing my beard, only small white hairs left. The laser worked great!! If you are interested do your research, but alexandrite laser is the best for the male beard.
05-20-2008 12:16:24 PM CST
Today is a good day! My heart is pure and my soul clearly focused on the Now. My connection to Great Spirit is strong today, may we be blessed in this journey. I Love You, yes YOU.
05-15-2008 9:02:21 PM CST
Just a short note today, I am doing well physically and mentally too. My counselor told me on wed that I should take it easy and not push too hard with the crossdressing. So I am heeding his suggestion and backing off with the femme stuff, like make-up. My clothes are androgenous anyway, so no big deal. I dont wear skirts in public anyway, unless I am in full drag. Oh we did go out last sat. night and had a good time. I was in femme and it felt great! Still need help in filling out the bra, but all in all I look good. My hair is long and I have earrings now, getting more natural every day. My make-up looked great, esp the eyes. The brush I am using makes it easy to put on. Brushes are definately the way to go with make-up. I foolishly forgot to get a photo, so you will just have to trust me. LOL. Juanita went with me and had an ok time. She did not even get upset when I tipped the dancers. I wont be rushing back over there, but we had fun.
05-9-2008 10:09:52 am CDT
Yesterday Nita and I colored each others hair. Her hair is so long and pretty, a dark brown - black really. She used Garnier 630 (Light Golden Brown) Vibrant Colors for me, which turned out perfect. My hair is the color of the Sequoia bark and I find that to be very inspiring. I feel immortal! My love is truely flowing today. Love the way I am looking, and it will only get better. My breasts continue to swell which is both fantastic and worrying. Soon I will have to hide them at work. How easy will that be? Assuming of course that I go back to work, lol. Hope fills my days easily now. My true self is emerging and experiencing this is truely a divine experience. I love that Nita and I are getting along so well now. Tomorrow night I plan on going to the Carousel, a gay nightclub with drag shows and wonderful dancing. I hope to have Nita and my brother join me. It has been far too long since I danced and to dance in a dress, well, simply divine!
05-6-2008 03:43:40 pm CDT
Today is a good day, I feel great. Relaxed and comfy as I write this. Life is good. I have been thinking about how my transition affects those around me. At first the family freaked, hehe. My brothers were fine with it, but as it gets closer the reality will set in and it may feel awkward for a short while. My wife and her side of the family may never meet me in femme, but if they do I am sure they will be supportive, most of them anyway. My father is starting to accept the idea too. He is loving in his own way and that is fine with me. I do love him, despite the fact that we have not agreed on much in many years. What I am finding is that people treat you the way you think of yourself. To put that another way, your thoughts are reflected back to you. So think kind thoughts always, be kind, and act in kind ways. What comes around, goes around and vice versa.
05-5-2008 03:21:03 pm CDT
Today has been a quiet day and I was able to read some more on two books that I recently got. I just finished reading "Right side out" by Annah Moore. The sub-title is"In-tune Within, To be in harmony with the world". She is very good at describing her feelings and I felt as I was living her life through this book. It was easy for me to relate to her journey, but then the transgender story seems so similar and different at the same time. Isn't this the truth of us all? We are all the same in different ways. You can find out more about her story at her website, http://annah.rightsideout.net/ I would rate her book a 9 outta 10, so check it out. She gives so much by just laying her life out for all to see, such courage and trust. I really felt a connection with Annah. The other book I am reading is "Lannie!"(found it at amazon.com). Another delight to read that goes on my recommended list although I am not finished. The stories are opposites and I find that refreshing. Lannie did not even realize that she is Trangender until her mid-forties, while Annah knew all her life. My feeling is that the more perspectives I have, the better view I have to understand this experience. Lannie is a long time crossdresser while Annah is an artist and musician, each is a method of coping with their feelings. I can relate to both, being both a crossdresser and a photographer. Being creative is a good tool for anyone to use to cope with all that life has to throw at us. Since I feel like this has gotten a little long I will end here, but Life Goes ON. (always does)
05-1-2008 04:06:41 pm CDT
My Horomones arrived yesterday and I started them today (perfect timing) the first of the month! All is going well. Had a thought about the transgender journey today. While watching a group of children playing in the park, I started wondering when and how one decides they are transgender. It has been determined in recent findings that gender identity and sexual orientation are set at birth. I believe that we decide before we are even born what our life journey will be, but the part that bothers me is that we can accept that premise that a woman can be in a mans body and that a man can be in a womans body, basically making God our creator wrong. I choose to see it differently. Since we are made in the likeness and image of God and we are co-creators with God, I believe we are determining our destiny. I choose to make God right! Consider the possibility that we chose to be transgender for the experience and for spiritual growth. In order to more fully experience who we are and what we are. When it has come to decisions I have always prefered to have both. Not one or the other, but both and I would like to sample them all first also. After sampling the male experience for over 40 yrs, I have concluded that this is not who I wish to be. Let the record show, upon thorough investigation, I choose woman. Of course I am who I am and always have been, God's truth never changes and I like it that way. Thank God we have the ability these days to adjust our bodies to fit our minds. I offer my deepest gratitude to all the professionals out there that make dreams come true.
04-28-2008 03:01:24 pm CDT
It has almost been two weeks from when I ordered my horomones. They should be here soon. It is exciting to get started for real. The "practice" one I was taking (spironolact) did some good, but it is really just to see what it will feels like and I am sure it is mild in it's effect. I did get some nipple growth and slight breast enlargement too, but my counselor tells me that is not usually the effect. Of course you cant argue with photos. No, I am not posting any photos of my breast growth. LOL I need to stay focused on my path. Actually doing pretty well with that. Although I do have a couple of old wounds to heal still. One is my height and adjusting to being very different. The other is a maturity issue surrounding love and relationships. How my transition is going to effect my relationships, how much of it is me(my perceptions) and what do I really want? I know big questions, lol. Sometimes I feel like I am watching the movie of my life from the 1st person persective, and I read that it is a good thing. Yay, something good ;-) Let me talk about my height some and then the relationships later. My height is 7feet tall and I have been tall all my life. It has been my excuse for not transitioning as a young adult. At the age of 20 or so I considered it and came to this conclusion. I was too tall to be a woman and since I was put in this male body I must have supposed to be that way. The God does not make a mistake excuse. On my spiritual journey of discovery I realized that "God" does not choose our bodies, we do. God is the power behind our choices, yes. But we are the ones choosing, and before we are even born. I believe I chose this path for spiritual growth reasons and also for the experience, to put it rather simply. There is a long explanation behind my beliefs so I will not get into specifics. Let me just say as a Spiritual Peacemaker minister, without the guidance of Holy Spirit, I would not be here today writing these words. As you may know, our journey can be a wild one and I am no different in this reguard. Before I discovered Science of Mind, New thought, and "A Course in Miracles", my life was a roller coaster of up down all around craziness. Though I may have appeared peaceful on the outside, I was not. Now I can say honestly that I have come a long way to Peace. My progress in the past ten years as been amazing and I am so pleased with the course of my life. I am being true to me and that feels so good. The road ahead may be rough, but I am happy to walk it. With Holy Spirit by my side, I can do anything.
04-24-2008 02:39:06 pm CDT
Relationships are so important in our lives. Mine have been intimate and personal. I am best one on one. Upon reflection my desire is always the same, to Love and be Loved. However it did not always turn out that way and for that I am deeply sorry. I never intended to hurt anyone and never will. I seek only to know myself and express that. In order to bake a cake, eggs must be broken, and that is what has happened in my relationships. I personnaly feel that the "cake" was a master piece. Perfect for what it was, a stepping stone to discovery. My only hope is that my partners felt so also. And if not, I ask their forgiveness. I still feel a great Love when I think of each of my partners. Love is the only constant in this world and for this I am grateful. Let me not hang on too tightly. Hold on I will though to my Love, the giving to each I meet, and to the hope that each one feels my Love for them. By the way, this has nothing to do with sex. That is a whole different story, LOL. Let me take this opportunity to thank each person that has shared their Love with me in any way. Love is Love, and we are one.
04-22-2008 11:45:13 am CDT
Today I am struck by the need to avoid labels. In order to truely know thyself one must journey within. Just as when walking down a path in the woods we see lots of wonderful things and say that is beautiful without a need to know its name or genus or classify it. This is a place beyond words that is closer to our trues selves and that connects us to our source. This is what we all truely desire I think and that is to be connected to our source and know this in it's full glory. To feel Gods love in our lives and experience that expressing all around us is truely a Divine gift. So see me as I am, not as I appear to be. Feel my love for you and all of life. I am not my body, this is just how I am experiencing God at this time. My inner beauty is flowing out and thus my outer appearance is changing. As my inner self grows the outer self changes to match, I am closer to my natural self all the time. Labels block this experience I think. I am that, I am. This is all you need to know. At the same time my purpose in this life time is to know myself as a transgender woman. A unique transexual person who adds to the fabric of space-time a Love the world has never known. If while on this walk though nature it could talk, what would nature say? I believe that it would say this, "I LOVE YOU".
04-18-2008 07:55:23 am CDT
Yesterday I got my ears pierced and I feel relieved, pretty and Joyful. Each for a different reason. I have been dreaming of having my ears pierced for many years but would not allow myself to do so, based on my up bringing. Once I decided to get my ears pierced, it took me over a month of planing to get the nerve up to get it done. What a surprise to find out how easy it is, of course I had every little step planned out, where to go, what to get and when. I got a medium size Diamond stud (CZ) in 14K gold setting and post. Which I must leave in for 4-6 weeks and keep clean with anestheptic every day. The lady who did it says it takes 6mos. to be permantly open, so I must wear earrings now every day. She used a hand held device that shot the earring right in and put the back on at the same time. It was so quick I hardly felt anything. It sure is amazing how we can get ourselves all worked up over nothing. Now I feel liberated, and attractive. YAY
04-16-2008 12:36:50 pm CDT
Another great counseling session, Dr Bushong is great. I am feeling really wonderful about my journey, feels so right, YAY. Ordered my horomones today, will be starting when they arrive in a few wks. I also shaved my legs and body, used nair on my arms and I am hair free again. The reason I shave my body instead of nair is because I am using Kalo epilating lotion, it works very well at retarding the growth and over time stops it all together. This is my 3rd application, so they say about 6 times to be free of hair. This is a step by step, gradual process, so I am happy to be moving closer to my goal. I will get into my goal/vision later. Gotta go, Love and Light - Sequoia
04-11-2008 08:22:42 pm CDT
Yesterday I went to get my labs drawn so that I may start "offical" horomone therapy, Yay. I have been waiting on this day for at least 6mos., when I made the mental commitment to myself to transition or die! I guess we could call this one more step on the road to freedom. It really is a shame what we do to ourselves and by this I mean limit our self expression though feeling guilty about being different. This has been a life long journey for many reasons, be it my size, my dyslexia, or my gender identity I feel different. My Spiritual journey of the past 12-15 yrs has been very important in resolving this feeling. I know now that I am only differnent on the form level and that my Spirit is one with all.
04-5-2008 11:03:51 am CDT
Let me share my dream with you. This is my life, my dream of oneness, where my soul is expressed and Spirit is made manifest. My body is a simple projection of my base form. Being a balanced person, my male appearance has always had my strong feminine self within. This resulted in a blended individual with an abundance of both masculine and feminine traits. Since I appeared male, that is what was taught by loving persons,(all those in my life, family incl.) and for this I understand. I forgive you my family, friends, each person that touched my life one way or another, mostly I forgive myself for allowing this delusion and not standing up and shining my light to the world. This is what this journey is to me, a coming out in the truest form. I am discovering me. My strongest role models have been my Mom, Grandmother, Aunts and to a lesser degree my father. What I have discovered is that I am not my family. We share some traits, both genetic and learned, but that is all. I thank them for their Love. I see now that it is my soul that needs expressing. I have always had an idea of who I am, and now I am really free. Free to express my true self and show the world the beauty of my Spirit. You can get an idea of what I see my true self to be in the Glamour shots and in the SecondLife photos. I am Woman...
04-4-2008 09:24:30 am CDT
It has been a while, and I am still here. Just went for laser treatment on my face and neck yesterday. It hurt more than I expected, but really not that bad. Quick is the best part, seems to have worked well. Those pesky white hairs will be taken care of later. My counseling sessions are going well and I am feeling better about who I am and the journey I am on. I accept it and am embracing it. I love to be me. Funny, who else would anyone want to be? My inner peace is growing, all is well.
03-4-2008 09:48:21 am CST
The journey goes on. It as a freaky weekend. For several reasons, I allowed my beard to grow in so I could remove it. This did not go as planned, but it all works out. First tried a new home hair removal system with no results and then I used Nad's (waxing) to partial success. I ended up shaving and using a post epilating cream. The cream is wonderful no matter what the results, it feels so nice and soft. My experience with electrolysis is that it hurts like heck too. What a frustration this is, and I was so trying to avoid the pain in change. No worries though, I will find a way to make it work, always do. The other thing that was freaky this weekend was the drama from my brother. We are very close and he supports me, so that is good. But he doesnt support himself and this saddens me. His self-destructive smoking and drinking are as mystifing to me as my transition is to him. I ask him to get help, but he is too afraid to face it. May my courage be his and may he know how much I Love Him. One last thought to close, I keep seeing this guy looking at me from the mirror, I wonder who he is? He is starting to fade, but still there.
02-29-2008 08:52:06 am CST
Hi, Hope you are enjoying your visit to this website, I am. You may be wondering where I am on my journey and that is a good question. From my perspective and using the analogy of climbing Mt. Everest, I am at base camp. Ready to go the rest of the way to the top! This website is very helpful in preparation for the next journey. I have been facing, and not accepting this journey for many years, not really willing to take that first step. I have taken that first step now and am on my way. My feelings right now are of great Joy and release. Hope and wonder fill me, inspire me on to my destination. I am taking an anti-testosterone medicine and my breast are already swelling. Soon I will be on Estrogen and my physical transformation will be going full steam. My counceling sessions are going well and I am working on hair removal, esp. the face. Since hairs grow in at different rates and times this will take a while, but in a few years I will never have to shave again. I keep asking myself "Why did I wait so long to do this?" Oh well, it is great to be on the trail again. With some help I will pass the crevases, make it past the steep parts and make the Peek in only a few years. Blessings to you for joining me!
02-28-2008 11:49:01 am CST
Welcome to my BLOG. This is meant to be a journal of my transition, so I will be writing in here often. Please write a comment if you choose, your support is most welcome.
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