10-01-2008 12:50:35 AM CST
The journey of Love is sometimes a hard one. We must let go of what we think we have in order to find that which we are. It is sort of like empting your glass to have room for more. In that respect our lives are like a fountain, constantly flowing over, and over. If we focus on the pain it can get unbearable, but if we release the pain, then we have room for Joy to fill our cup. As we focus on the Joy it expands. My life is full of fantastic times, and miraculous moments. The Joy far excedes any pain in my life and for this I am eternally grateful. Love is what drives my life now, I can see that. I see the many layers to life and how it can get very complicated if we allow it. It is time to simplify again, to let go of that which no longer serves me. I accept who I am, now I must allow others to do the same.
09-23-2008 2:59:48 PM CST
My emotions are up and down today, I am not sure if maybe my estrogen level is too high. I have been crying at every little challenge. I could not get my earring in this morning and this upset me greatly. I had left them out to let them heal a bit as they were sore. Anyway I will let them be for a while longer and see. The reality that I will no longer be married is sinking in and that too is upsetting. Not sure why really since it was my idea at first. I guess it is the thought of loss, and even that is not true, but the feeling still is stuck with me. My mid back is very painful since sunday. It just got worse as the day went on and after I did a meditation on "I want to feel good", it seemed to be worse. I have difficulty laying on my back and sleeping is uncomfortable for the most part. I fear my heart is breaking and it is my own fault. I know that all is for the best and that I need to be strong and move forward. The thought of going back to the life of "steven" is nausating, while the thought of moving forward as Sequoia is scary, but feels good deep within me. The journey is to learn to Love myself as I am, and stop focusing on the physical. Easier said than done. I feel hopeful that it will all get better when Juanita gets to alaska this weekend. Just having someone to talk to and hug is just what I need. God loves me, this I know, now to feel that...
09-18-2008 10:11:04 PM CST
Each day is a new day. I am feeling great today. Balanced within my inner peace I am perfect whole and complete woman. At least on the inside. The horomones are working exceptionally well as I am right on schedule. My hair is growing well, only a few more inches to go to reach my target length. I am taking vitamins for hair, skin and nails which I find very helpful, in fact I cut back because my nails are growing too fast. I still get my nails done every 2-3 wks. The perfect polished look is so comforting to me. My feelings of being comfortable with my feminine self are so gratifing and when I am at work in boi mode, my feelings fluctuate. Three more weeks of work and then I can relax into my femme self even more! YAY
09-16-2008 11:06:39 PM CST
I am feeling very grateful today. Grateful for the Loving people in my life, both 1L and SecondLife. I find it so much easier to be myself on SL. My greatest talent as I see it is my ability to be supportive. Love and support come naturally to me. Maybe since I am not a biological parent I feel the need to be supportive to others. And it makes no difference who it is, friend, associate, casual aquaintance, family or spouse. It brings great joy to me to see others achieving & successful. I am so thankful for the gift of Love. I have so much to share. I am also grateful for my creative abilities. Building in ways that are not material necessarily, but they can be. We will be moving into a house soon and I look forward to having the freedom to decorate to my hearts content. Creating something that puts a smile on others faces is my greatest Joy, of course I am happy whether others are or not, their Joy is just icing on the cake so to speak. I really wish more would offer there dreams for an Ideal society on my ministry website. SequoiaMinistry.org Share your vision of what an ideal society would look like and share the idea and link with your friends. The more we focus on our desires, the faster they manifest!
09-16-2008 12:03:00 AM CST
Beware what you wish for! Wise words, for as you believe so it is. As we see our world so it is! Now that is an awesome statement. All that I believe to be true is so, all I need do is look around and open my eyes. At times doubt creeps in and I ask myself why I am doing this. I hold my head in my hands and say oh my goodness, what have I done. And then my answer comes rushing in as always. You choose this path before you were born and must complete your journey in order to move on. You are just where you desire to be, always and all ways! Then i just smile and marvel at all the wonders this Blessed life has to offer. I look down and see these two large breasts where none existed 6mos. ago and I smile, thanking God for all my abundance. I look in the mirror, and see a woman smiling back. What greater miracles are there? To have found my inner truth and accepted it with Love. To embrace my being I have found my path, I am on it.
09-10-2008 11:30:19 PM CST
During my shower today a realization came to me. Let me share this with you for contemplation. I just figured out my name, Sequoia, it means seek who you are = seq, u o i a. Just sound it out. And my last name, carpenter = creator, carpenters build or create things, so sequoia carpenter=seek who you are creating. My chosen name of Cailyn Elisabeth Sequoia is the who I am creating. Which means the woman of God's Promise is who I am. To me this means that I am fullfilling my purpose here on earth becoming the woman that I truly am, by being myself so to speak. Of course that is all our purpose's to be who we truly are. All easier said than done, at least so far. Blessed are those in which this comes naturally.
I easily let go of any preconceived notions of who I think I am and allow the natural me to emerge. By stepping into who I am my life is empowered and all good things flow to me and through me! Easy does it!
09-08-2008 9:29:15 PM CST
God does not make mistakes, so how can we have a woman in a mans body or vice versa? It is simple, that is the way things are ment to be. Anyone who has studied probability understands averages and bell curves. Given that there are infinite possibilities the chances of having only male and female in the human population is quite remote. And if so the graph of that would look like an inverted bell curve, as we would only have males or females and nothing in between. The more probably graph of the bell curve would be constructed of not just males and females, but a mix including intersexed, crossdressers, gender queers, transgenders, and transsexuals. Not to mention the rainbow of sexual orientations and other classes that truely make up gender. As mom used to say, variety is the spice of life. I like to think of it as the rainbow of life and each of us has a place on that rainbow. And for some of us that place changes. Nothing has felt more "right" than the journey I am on now. Thank God for making me the way I am. It really feels good to be accepting that. Resistance is futile and sooner one figures that out the better. Of course all good things in good time.
09-07-2008 8:22:26 PM CST
In Thanksgiving I walk my way seeing all the Love and Peace this world has to offer. I graciously accept all the glorious gifts of kindness, acceptance and understanding that I am offered. Everywhere I look I see Love. Everywhere I go there is Peace. Everywhere is the Truth of Great Spirit.
I just got back from a wonderful walk in the park. And I am accepted as another loving soul, whether female or male, it matters not. There is only Love. My appearance today is very feminine as my body is changing in wonderful ways. My hair is growing out and looking great, I wore my favorite pink top with a brown sweater, red sparkle lip gloss, black ladies slacks and black sandles. The weather was mixed, like me, and at the end of the walk I saw a rainbow;-) My reward for venturing out eventhough it was over cast. Yes, by the time I got home the sky had cleared to a beautiful blue in most directions and despite the few sprinkles that fell, my journey turned out fantastic. God I love life! Even more I love being me.
09-02-2008 11:56:55 PM CST
Difficulty in transition comes not from what others think about you, but from what you think about you. It comes from our looking to others for approval. We must first be comfortable with who we are and then we will be comfortable with others. Even if someone "appears" to disapprove it does not matter. Most likely the situation is a reflection of our thoughts. So equal rights is in our own minds. Love yourself for who you are and other will follow suit. Now I know that "reality" can see harsh and that I can seem that the world is happening to you, not from you. But this simply is not the case. As your awareness grows and as you test this theory it will become clear. The classic, "it is not me, but their fault" just does not wash anymore. Try taking responsiblity for your actions, be proud of who you are and show everyone what a wonderful woman you are! If you get a cold shoulder at first, then move on and ignore the one that object. In time as you come to accept you, so will everyone else! I Love YOU, Pass it on ;-)
08-31-2008 12:59:35 PM CST
You may have or may not have noticed that I have been busy adding a new website this week. In preperation of the new book that I will be offering soon, I have created ministry site, www.sequoiaministry.org . Several pages are linked together so when you click on the ministry tab on this website it takes you straight to the sequoiaministry.org site. All is going as planned, I am feeling great and life is right on track. I do occasionally have a doubt creep in and I ask my self if I am going mad. I quickly realize that is not possible seeing that everyone on earth is mad/crazy/insane. In order to be sane one must appear insane, much like Jesus did. None of his followers understood why he was doing what he did, I am not even sure how much the man knew of what he did. It was Holy Spirit working through the man that brought Jesus's miracles to manifestation. His name was Jeshua Ben Joseph by the way and it is interesting to yahoo/search his name. Or just read the book "the art of spritual peacemaking" and that will explain it all.
Getting back to my journey of transformation, since I have to wait so long to get back to lower 48 I am going to use an epilating cream on my face that worked well in the past. I can definately see less hair on my face and only have to shave every other day. The laser worked wonders on the dark hair, so if you are young do it now! Dont wait! I had it done about 6yrs ago and that helped, but it was only one treatment. It usually takes 6, give or take one. The combination of both the laser and the epilator will leave very little electrolysis to be done. These days I am dressing how I feel and my only concern is the weather. I need more feminine sweaters up here in AK. That is ok, it is only temporary. Like life itself. The truth is no one or no thing can keep you from being yourself. So I am pretty happy about that. Blessed Be, Love you, Sequoia
08-24-2008 12:20:29 AM CST
Wow, what a great day! I drove from fairbanks to anchorage, AK and the weather was totally clear and the view of the Mtn was increadible! I am looking forward to getting my pictures edited. I listened to Eckard Tolle's book "A New Earth" on audio too. So this has been a big day for me. Also I dressed as I always do but added makeup and I must say I was very feminine in appearance. I go for comfortable, for being the woman that I am. I am finally allowing myself to dress how I feel, how I want to! The challenge is to find the approval within and not look for it "outside me". The natural Sequoia is here! My feelings have been all over, but mostly they have been sky high! Being as intuitive as I am it can be difficult sometimes when I pick up some emotions. I just remind my self that all experiences are forgiveness lessons and move on. I have a tendency to hide and not stand proud, and my focus is on moving beyond that. Right now I am on a journey to really get in touch with my feminine energy, because it seem the masculine is there reguardless. Although as I think more on this, I have never been overtly masculine, I can be if I try and this is what I was taught, but now I am ready just be myself. I took a quiz today to see how feminine I am and scored a 65 out of 100, so I am more fem than masc. This is inline with other tests I have taken so I feel pretty good about it. I ask myself everyday if I am on the right path and how would I feel if I were to stop the transitioning. The answer is the same every time. I am right where I need to be. I never felt "right" with a penis and I will be happy to get the surgery. I have been visualizing having a vagina and I guess I feel the same as most women. It just is a part of me and that is a good thing.
08-19-2008 12:27:23 AM CST
The Matrix is my favorite movie (all 3 in the series), because it just resonates with my journey. I am reading a book on the philosophy of Matrix and they go into the "ideal society" that Zion represents. How they are really Gender and Race blind there. They give a discription of Gender that I found facinating and worthy of some thought. The theory of gender that such we are born with out Gender Identity and that we are taught this depending on what sex we are and on the societies beliefs of what this should be. So gender(masculine/feminine) is largly society dependent, where sex (male/female) is usually natures doing. My counselor tells me that gender is in the brain and sex is between the legs and they don't always match! As we mature and become individuals we decide which Gender we are by our thoughts and feelings usually around the age of puberty, or when we start making decisions for ourselves. Many of us are persuaded by society and our parents that we are this or that. We attempt to "fit in" so our feelings are suppressed ( as in my case). Until we can truely become individuals we will continue being who others think we are and not ourselves. I am finally stepping up and being myself. Being the individual I was ment to be.
08-15-2008 11:49:04 PM CST
After talking with my counselor this week, I am settling in for a the long journey ahead. He said that I am looking at about another 21 months of transformation to fully develop my female body. Already though I can see the changes and I feel better than ever. Eventhough my face appears male, and I appear head and shoulders above most, I am all WOMAN. I accept my role as a unique child of God. I am stepping out as my true self because if I don't I will die, but also because it is the right thing to do. In many ways I am a shapeshifter in the shaman sense of the word. I feel deeply connected to Life Force and often I can feel the animals around me, not to mention the people. You can see in my pics that I am very feminine, but can also be masculine, esp. in my size. Mom was 6'3" and large boned, yet very beautiful and feminine. My greatest hope is that I too am beautiful like she was. I certainly feel that I am. I Love my mom so much, God rest her soul. Life goes on and I am doing my best to be my authentic self, the me I feel inside. Thank you for Loving and supporting me in this journey of Love we call Life.
08-11-2008 11:47:19 AM CST
Walking the talk is where the rubber meets the road. I openly walk the path in Loving radiance. Each day is a new day and I stand proud to be who I am. Last week I went to the local county fair and bought a picture with a quote. "I dont mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it." Marilyn Monroe It just resonated with me and my mood lately. I do feel that I am making great progress in being proud to be transgendered, because as get out the people here in Fairbanks are so wonderfully accepting. Knowing the Truth and living it are not the same thing. I deeply Know who I am, and now I must share that with the world, with myself. See my Glory, I see yours!
08-09-2008 12:05:14 AM CST
Been thinking lately about work and the dual life that I lead now. Still in guy mode at work and all I hear all day is "sir" this and "yes, sir" that. I grow weary of this. Respect is a good thing and I welcome that, however not being seen for who I am is tiresome. I know that I should not be concerned with this and that the important thing is that I know who I am. I just feel so happy and free that I want to be this way all the time. I love my work and wish to continue it in woman mode! I can see myself working as a woman right now, it will not be hard to transition since we all wear scrubs anyway. I plan on wearing make-up and being as pretty as I can so that I look professional. Basically I will be wearing the same clothes I do now, but my name will change and I will wear makeup. That is another thing, my name. Been wanting to change it all my life and I am so ready for a new one. Sequoia is an awesome name in my opinion, but I hear that many do not like it. It is hard to say and well I dont know, whatever! I do plan on changing it, when I go offical to Cailyn Elisabeth Sequoia. So it will be my last name, which will not have to be pronouced as much and I still get to keep that title. Elisabeth is my moms middle name and Cailyn just sounds good. Plus my initials are the same but backwards, which sorta straightens things out! What's in a name? You tell me! Sequoia resonates with me! Cailyn Sequoia signing off ;-)
08-06-2008 10:26:18 AM CST
My prayers were answered and the horomone patches arrived that evening. YAY, I am feeling very good today as I write this I can feel my whole body especially my breasts. They are getting so big and my nipples are changing shape, which to me is the most amazing thing. I feel like a kid again and that is a very good thing. My hair appointment this weekend went great! Got is trimmed and colored and Torrie treated me like a Queen! The color turned out perfect as a reddish light brown, the color of a sequoia. All my visions are manifesting and I am so thrilled about that. Monday I got my nails filled and buffed, so I am all set for the next 3wks or so. I was feeling so good about things that I had to share with someone and told a friend at work about my journey, or partly so anyway. This is the first time I have told any of my work associates here in Alaska and I feel pretty good about it. Every day I am amazed at the Love!
08-01-2008 9:55:41 AM CST
Wow, another wonderful day in Alaska. Work is going well and in fact they have asked me to say a bit longer. This may be a good opportunity to see the northern lights. I have a feeling something fantastic is going to come of this. I got paid today so I am going to have my hair done tomorrow. I will get it colored and trimmed, not so much styled since I am still in Boi mode for work. Everything is going as planned, almost. The estrogen patches, climara have not come in yet and it has been a whole week. I pray they come in today! Since this is morning there is still time. Over the past week I have been substituting the estrofem. At first my dose was too low, but I got that straightened out and all is well. I sure can see the benefit of having a patch that is changed once a wk, instead of taking two tablets 3 times a day. If you forget to take your meds then your horomone levels are up and down too. The good thing is that I am using this as an exercise to stay focused on the now, living fully present in my body and being open to all the Glory that Holy Spirit is bringing thru me!
07-26-2008 12:34:14 AM CST
Life is full of ups and downs. My latest challenge is that my estrogen patches were back ordered and I am having to substitute with estroven. Not a big deal just more work for me to remember, three times a day instead of once a week! I am sure the replacement shipment will be here soon and I will be right back on track. This way I get to see how the different meds affect me. The one thing I have noticed now that I am on estrogen is that my life seems right. I feel like my old self now, like the woman I have been all along. The funny thing is if you dont know what if feels like to be a woman, then how could I know that things were not right? I assumed, male body, this must be what it feels like to be male. I hope this doesn't mean that I am a bit dense, taking 40 something yrs to figure this thing out. LOL The good news is that I have never felt better and am happy every day. Joy is the norm for me now, of course I am still challenged at times. Going out in pubic still makes me nervous when I am in a dress with my makeup on. So I mostly go conservative and comfortable. Wearing a only mascara and lips gloss, ladies slacks and a blouse. The earrings change with my mood, as does the other jewelry. On special occasions I will dress up, but those have been scarse here in alaska.
07-20-2008 7:41:00 PM CST
The road to Truth is long and can be arduous. Pitfalls abound, but so are down hill stretches and flat roads along the beach. Right now I feel like I am on a flat stretch coasting toward home. I am starting to really feel the effects of the horomones. My mood is fluctuating and I swear I felt something where I should have ovaries. My Breasts are so sensitive to the point of pain, but not quite. Had a dream of being pregnant the other day. The funny part is it was an immaculate conception. Christ is born this day! Mmmm. I am being drawn more toward men now. Still not totally comfortable with that though. Not really ready for any relationships right now. Maybe in a few years. Watched a few movies this weekend, "Almost Myself" and "Middle Sexes". Both are very good, and I cannot say that one is better than another. My perspective is altered a bit and my understanding deepened. Honestly I have been watching things about transgenderism for 30yrs and the growth is great . We have come a long way. The Love is growing. Sorta feel reflective now as I think about the past, present and future. What Glorious days lay ahead?
07-17-2008 12:31:57 PM CST
All is going well! My feelings are really getting in line with my Dreams! I am just blown away by how wonderful my life is becoming. The Love I have witnessed and experienced make this Journey so perfect! I am feeling so much gratitude for all the Love and acceptance in my life. Please know that if you are reading this, then we are connected and I LOVE YOU.
07-09-2008 1:13:18 AM CST
About a week ago during my counselor session I came up with a strategy for how I can proceed with my transition now that I am in Alaska. Number one is to start saving for surgery. So far I am working on a couple of ideas to make more money and I always have winning the Lottery as a my secret weapon. Dont laugh! Anything is possible with God, I am changing sexes for christ sake! Hair removal will take a back seat till I get back to the lower 48. My face needs the white hairs removed that are left by the laser, since laser only works on dark hairs. I must say that it has worked very well on those dark hairs and will get a few more treatments to finish that. My hair continues to grow out and is looking very good. After about 2mos on HRT I can see the results even better and I am informed that it takes 3 mos for my body to even recognize the estrogen as "supposed to be there" and having it kick in full effect. Now I did cheat this time a bit by taking spironolactone for several months prior to starting on estrogen. My nipples are really progressing well and are very sore. To let the men reading this know what it feels like, imagine having your testicles on your chest! My counselor said another patient of his told him that and I had to agree! (as I was rolling on the floor in laughter) So the HRT is right on schedule. I plan on settling down very soon so that I can get serious about electrolysis. Not sure where yet as I am leaving this up to Higher Powers and all I ask is that I find an open accepting community with a great electrolyist, and a good job doing MRI. The other area I need work on is my voice. I have read some and practiced the exercises some but I am having diff. with it, probably because I am not putting much effort into it at this point. This is going to change very soon! The last area that I have been working on since the start in a constant vigil is just being natural and not normal. "Just be yourself" is not as easy as it sounds, at least for transgender people. Being "normal" is often the goal in transition and since no one is really normal it can be very difficult. Allowing our brain to function naturally is the real goal. Instead of conforming to my body, I am allowing my body to comform to me! With this the transition becomes natural and easy, one step at a time, one day at a time. This actually feels very good to me. Sometimes I feel more masculine or feminine than others, but often I feel like me, (like I always have). This is a good thing! I have always known that feminine is more natural than masculine, and so after accepting this fact my life is coming together nicely. I finely feel like I am on track!
07-06-2008 3:39:18 PM CST
Another blessed sunday is here and I am having a wonderful time. I am wearing new earrings, gold tear drop hoops with cz border, and a pearl bracelet. My hair is getting long, below my shoulders, and with my Emissary necklace my appearance is just right. Oh, I have mascara and lip gloss on also. I took a long walk this morning out by a farm that is nearby. The sandhill cranes were out "grazing". They are such increadible, beautiful and graceful creatures. The divine feminine in form! This is how I feel. It is time to let go of the masculine and embrace the divine feminine! The world is ready for caring, supportive, and Loving energy. Look around you, what do you think? Have we had enough "Protection (war), strength (control), and power (abuse)"? I realize that these are the negative aspects of masculine, however, the negative has gotten too much attention and it is time for the positive to balance the world. May Love and Peace be with you! Focus on that which you desire! I am that, I am.
06-30-2008 12:46:21 PM CST
Today is a great day! Why you ask? I just had the most fantastic weekend. I love Mondays, I get the chance to revel in my weekend. I got confirmation from a guidance call that I am on the right path and that all is well! Thank you Great Spirit. Of course I knew that, it just feels good to hear it. I Love You! (feels good to hear that too)
I ran out of a few of my horomones for a day or two and almost got discourged, but they showed up at my door right when I could not wait any longer. I love how that all works. I am feeling great!
06-16-2008 10:26:53 AM CST
Another divine weekend is past. I feel so peaceful and at one with who I am. My femme side is showing nicely these days, if I want it to. Going out in public with makeup on is a little more unnerving here in Alaska than it was in California even though I know it should not make any difference where I am. In my home town of Knoxville, TN I am getting pretty comfy with it, although that has come very slowly and I do not push things by wearing skirts and heels. I wish heels worked better for me but at my size they are very hard to find and wearing them is impractical when my head already is above the door frame. There is a masculine energy here in Alaska that cannot be missed, I especially see it in the men, but even the women show it. It is a practical work for survival kinda place and I guess it shows. Very down to earth and to see the feminine one has to look very closely, but it is here. Alaska is really helping me to see the divine feminine as it is naturally.
06-10-2008 1:27:49 AM CST
Just painted my nails, I have not been changing colors much lately since I am working and need to have a professional appearance. It feels good to do my own nails once in a while though. I go every three weeks and have my acrylics redone and have been keeping a clear or pink clear on them. I just love the way they look. It is the little things we do for ourselves that keep us going! This is a gift I have been giving myself for a very long time. Used to be just my toes, been doing that since high school off and on, but constantly for the past 10yrs or so. My fingernails I have done off and on for the past 10 yrs, but the acrylic nails went on 7mos. ago and have not come off! It just feels so natural, I LOVE IT. I say treat yourself nice and once in a while give that pleasure to someone else. ( allow them to treat you nice - go to the salon ;-) I mean we are always treating others nice, right?
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