04-22-2010 2:01:40 PM MST

An update as to changes on the this website.  I just added a website satisfaction survey to gather data in determining what my next step will be with the site.  I plan on updating the videos as soon as I get my hair done and can prepare.   I am attempting to make the videos as professional as possible.  I have been thinking of doing a power point presentation on gender and would love some feed back as to important subjects to cover.  Gauging from the survey self acceptance may be the best subject to cover.  I talk about this frequently in my "Transitions Blog".  With school right now I am struggling to keep up with adding to the website.  I have several ideas which I am working on and will be making those changes as time permits.  Personally, I am doing well.  Money is starting to flow in and I am right on track to have surgery (GRS) within the next year.  I am getting my hair done next week and seeing a new PhD the first of May who will be helping with a second surgery letter.  Life is good!  I will continue to tudor and build my skills in education.  I love to hear from friends so please drop me a line and share your thoughts with me.  I am on Facebook now quite often, just search Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter.  I also have a group there called, Transitions for Unity in Gender Diversity.  Please join if you like.  I will sign off for now, Blessings ;-)


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04-17-2010 2:26:45 PM MST

 

I feel the need to explain to those who may have known me before I transitioned that I am still basically the same person. My gender has changed, my appearance has changed and hopefully I am becoming a better, more open, more understanding, more compassionate, and more loving person. So while you will need to get used to a new look, it will not be that difficult unless you are the type who judges a book by its cover. This is an opportunity for us all to get to know each other better and to grow spiritually. 
It is my belief that consciousness is growing regardless of what we as humans do. Our function is to be a vehicle for that consciousness. So what is this consciousness? It is all there is, infinite universal mind which many people call God, but this label limits the immenseness of it. God has become limited and no longer is adequate to describe this Universal Divine Consciousness that makes up all that exists. As this consciousness expands so do the possibilities that exist for the human race. As big as this all seems and it can be overwhelming for our human minds, the answers lie within our own minds at a very personal level. Our choices are what determine the course of the Universe, so I hope you have your towel and are ready to hitch a ride. (comical reference to Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) 
Getting back to my personal journey, I have made choices that I felt necessary for my own survival and unless you have felt the inner turmoil of being transgender you have no idea the battle that I have fought. I am fighting no longer and have given in to my inner self. I like to think of myself as water, taking the path of least resistance and yet being resilient and flexible on the journey. Water has great power, and yet supports life. I feel like I am nearing the end of my physical transformation which normally takes about 3 yrs on hormones (been 2 for me) for most male to female transsexuals. The final and most wonderful step is GRS (genital reassignment surgery) which I plan on having sometime in the next year. Anyone wanting to help finance this surgery I am very grateful, please email me directly.  I still need to have some electrolysis also, and have finished about half of that. My body is very feminine now with the curves where they need to be, a size C bust and long flowing hair. My skin is soft and my face is rounding nicely thanks to the hormones. Divine Feminine is shining through me now and I feel GREAT! 
I would like to thank those of you who have supported me through this journey! While it is never over, I have made a giant leap. Please read the articles on this website that explain transsexualism and what is gender. If you have questions then please ask! I love to chat. I am open to any comments you have to share. I feel so much Love now; I wish I could properly demonstrate this to you. I bless you on your journey of Love!   
                                                             Sequoia Elisabeth

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04-11-2010 9:39:56 AM MST

 

  "In Memory—With great sadness we announce that Carol Byers took her own life last week. Those ministers and church friends who had spoken to her recently had no indication that this might happen. She had just had her neck brace removed, and was learning how to swallow in hopes of having a feeding tube removed. (In December she had extensive spinal surgery following an automobile accident.) We are shocked as well as sad, and extend our condolences to her family, friends and all who enjoyed Carol’s participation in both UU congregations in town as well as many artistic and civic organizations. We will list information about a service as soon as we receive it." Milazzo, Francie 2010, http://uuss.org/notes.pdf    

 

This news touched me deeply.  Although I only met Carol a few times back in 2007 when I lived in Sacramento, her life and her stories inspired me and made my early transition all that much easier.  In fact all the wonderful souls I met in Sacramento made a big difference to me.  I thank you and I think you know who you are!  I made my "debut" there in Sacramento for the first time in public as "me".  Looking back I really enjoyed those days, with the excitement and beautiful people I met along the way.  Carol was one of those souls.  She got her start here in Denver and had her surgery with Dr. Biber, way back in the day.  She was a great photographer and artist as well as being very active in our community.  I for one am grateful for her sacrafices during a time when most of us where merely dreams or tiny tots running around.  Blessings Carol on your journey and thanks for all that you did this time around.    


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04-03-2010 9:25:57 PM MST

TOP 10 THINGS THAT BRING ME JOY!

1.       Traveling to places I have never been before
2.       Driving cross country
3.       Cruise boats that are not too big, but just right, with decks high enough for me to stand
4.       Connecting with a close friend, seeing them smile and hearing them laugh
5.       Sharing Metaphysical principles with an appreciative person
6.       Soft New Age, World or Native music, esp. Native American, Oriental, or Aboriginal.
7.       Mind full Meditation
8.       Quiet walks in Nature
9.       Peaceful & Creative Photography session
10.   Creative writing where my soul oozes out onto the page.
Not necessarily in this order.  And notice that I do not say Happiness which is a surface emotion.  Happiness balances sadness and cannot exist at the same time where as Joy is deeper and comes from the soul.  Joy is like Peace and Love, they exist at all times, what changes is our awareness of them.  They exist at all times because this is our connection to the Divine.  My awareness of the Divine in all things grows daily! 

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03-30-2010 9:52:39 PM MST

This has been a great week, and I am looking forward to Easter, although I am not sure why.  We have the GIC elections this weekend and I will be there for that.  I will also be taking over facilitating the 2nd Monday open group sessions at the GIC.  This is very exciting to me since it is something that I love to do and have been wanting to do for some time now.  I feel like this is a great way for me to share my talents with people I love.  What you give others, you ultimately give to yourself.  My faith in the financial support I am getting continues to grow the more I focus on others the better I seem to do.  I will continue to give of myself, do what I love and live my dreams!  Now that I am "connected" to Spirit I have clarity about my path and feel great.  I know this is what I am meant to do.  The website, the books, the counseling, the facilitating, and the volunteering are all a part of my journey.  I would love to have more feedback on my eBooks so that I can get a feel for how I am doing.  I have sold a few eBooks but could have done much better, and I did not really market them all that agressively and I am afraid that I will have to get the book in front of more people before it is more widely accepted.  My next book will be even better, although I need to do some serious work on it.  I pray a good title comes to me soon!  I will be doing a promo video for the new book this week.  Angels, Spirits and helpers please guide me on the highest and best path to a beneficial book for everyone.  My message is simple as it always is, Love is the way!  The book is about Sex, Sexuality, and Gender Identity.  A new era of human existance that is beyond the constrainst of this world, an era of oneness and connection. 


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03-24-2010 6:40:17 AM MST

This is what I Believe,

I believe that every person I meet is a good person.

I believe that abundance is my nature and that abundance exists everywhere for everyone when they choose that.

I believe that I have everything that I need, when I need it. 

I believe that I am a woman, have always been a woman and that my body is changing to reflect that.

I believe that I am having GRS very soon and while that will not change who I am, it will make it easier to express who I am.

I believe that the world is ever expanding, improving, growing, supportive, and loving.

I believe that all change is for the better.

I believe that I have a lot to offer.

I believe that Love is the way.


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03-19-2010 10:06:37 PM MST

Tonight I feel humbled to be alive in this time of global transition.  My transition is only a small part of the larger scheme of things.  Life here on earth is moving to the next level.  Do you have any idea how profound that is?  I am truly blown away by it all. 
My path has never been clearer or my life more simple than it is today. I love the man I was, woman I am, and the Blessed Being of Light I am becoming. The sense of peace that I feel right now is beyond words. Somehow I know all is well, with me, with my loved ones, and with the whole world. I can see beyond the drama and I know the truth.
The movie I watched tonight, “Uncross the Stars”, took place in Arizona and I could not help feeling a deep yearning to return there. The desert has some healing aspect to it that I cannot explain, but that I feel whenever I am close to it. Colorado is close and I do love the western feel I get here, but it is nothing compared with the desert. When I finish my Masters Degree, it will be time to move on, and the desert will be at the top of possible places for me to go. Great Spirit speaks deeply to me there. 
One of those places and times was sitting in a deserted amphitheatre looking up at the most stars I have ever seen in my life while a shooting star came down in a bright flash. In that magical moment, time did not exist and I was a part of it all. Thank you to that beautiful soul who shared that with me in Organ Pipe National Monument. 
Now that I am thinking about it, these moments are not so few and far between. They have been coming fairly regular for the past 20 years after I woke up in the deserts of Arizona. I am so grateful to all the blessed people in my life since then. Thank you for Loving me! Thank you for the gift of you in my life!
 


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03-15-2010 11:44:21 AM MST

Last night I watched the CNN documentary, “Her Name Was Steven” http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/10/her.name.was.steven/index.html The story of Susan Stanton’s transition journey was covered from childhood to present and was a very compelling story of transformation. I totally relate to the story being told, even the name Steven is the same. It was almost like they were telling my story, although there were some big differences. It was the gender identity questions and experiences that were similar. Interesting to see what happens when this sort of thing gets into the spotlight. I appreciated how Susan stayed true to her beliefs and did not get dragged into the mainstream. That is not easy and I give kudos to her for that. I am also pleased that she has found a job in Florida. I have no idea where life will take me next, but I am remaining open to Holy Spirit and her guidance. 

I sent in my application for GRS Grant though the Jim Collins Foundation.  Not sure how long it will be till I hear something back.  I am proceeding with my plan to have surgery in the next year.  I am using the money from school which I get next month for counseling and attaining my surgery letters.  I will also have some electrolysis done and make a reservation with Marci Bowers.  I am very excited! 


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03-11-2010 8:38:14 AM MST

This morning I had a dream about my name Sequoia so I wish to talk about it.  I chose that name for several very personal reasons.  The cherokee meaning of the word phonetically is "sparrow", which we all know is a very common bird here in the USA.  The bird is small, very social and lives in communities or flocks.  The metaphysical meaning of this bird is "common" which is what came to me in my dream.  In the dream dictionary it means hard work and discipline.  The sparrow is a symbol of business.  Where this puts me on my road I am not sure, but it seems I have much work left to do. 

The first thought that came to my mind when choosing the name Sequoia is the tree, which is the largest living thing on earth, lives for thousands of years and has no enemies.  Of course it was named by a Dr. Albert Kellogg in 1853.  The story that I read said Chief Sequoyah was the inspiration and all he did was use the latin spelling.  Since I am tall and have auburn hair like my Mom, I do match nicely with the tree.  In honor of my Mother I decided to take her middle name, but wanted to keep it american so I spelled it slightly different, Elisabeth is the american spelling of the jewish name Elizabeth.  The last name is still there because of legal ease and to honor my father, he kept this name so it must mean something to him.  He means a lot to me and I love him for who he is, that will not change.  He would probably say that I don't show it and I would say "you make it very difficult". 

I will answer to "Sequoia", "Sequoia Elisabeth", "Elisabeth"  or "Lizzy".  My Dad prefers to call me Lizzy and I am simply glad that he speaks to me at all.  Right now I prefer "Sequoia Elisabeth" because I am thinking of going with "Elisabeth" after I have SRS.  If you would like to share which name you prefer, I am happy to listen ;-)


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03-08-2010 7:00:11 PM MST

 

Just checking in.  I almost have my grant proposal ready to send in.  I still need two personal reference letters which are harder to get than I thought they would be.  I hope to have them by this weekend.  The other aspects of the grant such as professional letters I will work on getting when I get some money.  Six weeks to go and I recieve the next installment of my loan money.  A nice chunk of change to make change with!  Things are falling into place so I am happy about that!  My friend Chris posted a picture of us on facebook taken at the Gold Rush and I must say we both look good together.  It has been a while since I have had a good picture taken of me.  I have changed a little in appearance.  I know that I am changing because I can see that in the world around me.  The transition proceeds and I am taking steps to make each aspect happen asap.  Electrolysis and SRS are the main things left and those are only a matter of time.  All is going as planned.


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03-04-2010 11:20:40 AM MST

What will be, will be.  Fate is not something you have to believe in, although it is something we can experience.  I have been feeling this a lot lately.  I have chosen a train and now I am just enjoying the ride till we reach the station.  What is my destination?  I am already there!  It is like taking the train ride at Disneyland.  I am having all sorts of wonderful experiences and the ride ends where I got on, at the station.  There are other stops and if I choose to get off I may, but that means I would be in a totally different location in the Universe.  I wish to finish this journey and carry it to its Highest Potential.  I love earth and am always grateful to be here.  Once I am on the train, fighting that just creates pain and suffering, so I am sitting back and enjoying the view!  Oh, by the way, this is a train ride through Heaven.  ;-)


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03-02-2010 9:33:08 PM MST

Money is no excuse!  I stand humbly on the path, ready, willing and able to move forward in service.  I give my Life to Holy Spirit so that I may serve in the Highest and Best Good of my self, my Loved ones, and everyone everywhere.  I am grateful for all the gifts I find every day on this journey of discovery.  Each day, I know my self a little bit better!

I feel like GRS is coming very soon.  I sense all my dreams coming together as planned.  Peace fills my heart♥


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03-01-2010 3:36:43 PM MST

I made it through the weekend!  The Gold Rush convention is a big Success.  I am so grateful to have been a part of it!  I attended Friday morning, helped set up a few rooms for workshops and then attended "Success in your Transition" by ArLene Lafferty and Dani McDonough.  They made some good points about success being relative and that it has many aspects.  It is important to know what success means to you so that when you reach that place it is accompanied by happiness. Afterward I did my presentation to an audience of six.  We had a good talk about safety and how that relates to the Law of Attraction.  See my article posted on this website.  I stopped into the vender area to say Hi to a few friends and then headed home for lunch.  Sat. morning I returned in time to attend Karen Scarpella's workshop on Relationships and Sexuality.  We had a lively discussion and I feel like progress was made.  I was looking for perspectives that would add to my understanding of sexuality and while I am not so sure I did that, I did learn a few things about the transsexual journey.  After this I went to get some lunch at Arby's and came back to set up rooms for the afternoon workshops.  I ended up chatting with Mindy Barton for a long time and gaining some deeper understanding of Colorado Law.  The afternoon ended up with me sitting in on the last 15mins of Dr. Sherman Leis's workshop and then sitting through Marci Bowers workshop.  I am very impressed with Marci and am proceeding with my plan to have her do my surgery, depending on the Grant money I am applying for.  Marcy and I had a brief conference and she answered a few questions I had about my specific situation.  I plan on having a job here soon so that I can save up enough money to have a trachea shave while having my GRS.  For some strange reason they are moving away from SRS terminology and using GRS = genital reassignment surgery.  I have a feeling that 5 years from now that will be changed again.  Miranda being the doll that she is allowed me to use her hotel room to change for the banquet.  I really enjoyed Kim Pearson's keynote speech on TYFA and the two little TG girls stole the show with their singing and dancing!  The food was great, I sat at a table with my friend Chris and met several wonderful people.  The conference from what I hear had about 200 people in attendence, so I know that Kate and Teeg were pleased.  We did have a big glitch in that the lunch banquet ran over about 30 mins and so the workshops in the afternoon all ran late, but as usual everything worked out.  For my first convention of this type, I have to admit that I am very pleased!


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02-24-2010 3:55:26 PM MST

Only two days before I give my first workshop (Friday 10:30) on "Safety and the Law of Attraction".  I am excited and nervous.  This is a topic I am passionate about and one I have been studying for years, so while I have a written script to go by I will be speaking from my heart as well.  I got the inspiration to do this while attending the townhall meeting last month.  The audience (95% GLBT) expressed fear and misunderstanding about the realities of life.  I feel it is my duty to set them at ease.  I will present the facts as I see them, since all facts are relative and impermanent.  I also will honor those who wish to walk their own path, be it painful or not.  I cannot make decisions for others and if they wish to do themselves harm then I am at a loss.  This goes for my own brother!  May he see the Light.  I walk my path and no other, I am true to myself!  I look forward to meeting new friends and visiting with old friends this weekend.


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02-20-2010 9:47:04 AM MST

Last night in dream state I experienced (for a lack of a better word) both my Native American names.   This dream was an explanation of what I experienced in my waking life, I often get guidance this way.  The first half of this life has been in male expression and that name is "Touches The Sky", now I am in the second half of this lifetime in female expression and that name is "Summer Sunset".  I did not choose these names they were actually given me by others along my path.  Several years ago before I transitioned, I was in Alaska and I met some Native American/Alaskan Natives, I believe they are Athabascan, but that does not matter, the point is they seemed to know me!  We had never met before, that I knew of.  They called me "Touches The Sky" and felt honored to be accepted by them as such! 

Now that I am living as a woman I got a psychic or channeled reading not long ago and I was told my Spirit Guides name is "Summer Sunset".  Since I was born in the summer just after the sunset this makes since to me, LOL.  I love the image I get when I think of Summer Sunset, the sky is filled with all sorts of warm color from yellow to crimson with purple thrown in for good measure, lol.  I feel the warmth and Love.  I thank my Spirit Guides for joining me on this journey of Love.  I know they work through me to create the Highest Good for everyone. 

Please still call me Sequoia Elisabeth, for on this earth plane that is who I am.  Deep within however I know that I am so much more!


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02-17-2010 9:31:14 AM MST

It has been a while since I wrote an update to my situation, so let me do a review here.  All is well!  Always and all Ways.  LOL.  Heath wise I just went to the clinic last week and got my blood levels tested and all came back normal for a woman ;-)  You may remember that I increased my Spiro to 200mg a day, well now I am back down to 175 a day.  It is tough on the system since it dehydrates so much, constipation becomes a issue.  I am drinking water like a fish!  The estrogen is about right as I feel good at 5mg a day.  The next issue for me to face is getting my electrolysis done somehow.  There is a wonderful lady who does it here in Denver and she is very reasonably priced, so all I need do is come up with a few thousand dollars, time and transportation.  There are a couple of options as to the details which I will allow to work themselves out.  I accept the process as my journey, it is all good. 

The Gold Rush conference is next week or 8 days away and I am looking forward to it.  This will be my first, so I am a little nervous.  Big social events are always nerve racking no matter what the circumstances.  I sometimes find myself overwhelmed by all the activity, which I suppose I could compare to masculine energy (active energy).  I am a pacifist, lol, I prefer yin energy or passive energy.  Extraverted men or women make me nervous and always have, but then since I am a introverted woman we do sometimes cross paths.  I will manage.  The big event for me is the workshop I am leading on Friday 10:30am.  The topic is Safety and the Law of Attraction which I feel is so needed in the trans community, actually all communities would benefit from this info.  The LofA is making it mainstream now days but I am not sure how much we understand the benefits or how to apply it.  Patience is required!  If you make it to Gold Rush please stop in and participate in my discussion on safety.  If I can get 5-10 people who are willing to discuss safety as they relate to the workings of life, I feel like my goal will be achieved.  I just want you to know that I care and for you to realize just how powerful you are!  Transition from MtoF or FtoM is not for casual travelers.  I ask that you are easy and loving with yourself, because ultimately we are all the maestros of our lives. 


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02-14-2010 10:49:01 AM MST

     Dear One I Love you with all my heart. You are the Moon in my Stars, the Flame in my Heart! May I hold you close and feel your warmth and the power of your heartbeat. I am comforted by your soft warm skin on mine and your warm breath on my neck, even though it smells like the garlic bread we had last night with our spaghetti. The twinkle in your deep radiant hazel eyes hypnotize me so that I could sit here all day just gazing into your beauty. I can feel your Love lifting me above all my cares in the world, I only wish to be in your arms!!!   

                                                                                                             In Deep Loving Passion, Your Lover ♥♥♥

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02-10-2010 9:19:18 AM MST

Last night I was laying in bed and I realized that I am re-defining my definition of woman.  At least what woman means to me.  We all have our own beliefs and prejudices to varying degrees and mine are being challenged!  Which is precisely what I wanted.  It is my intention to stare my fears in the face and simply Love them (assuming I have more than one,lol).  Acceptance has always been a big one for me and has often been an excuss to not do something, failure is not a choice!  Then I got to thinking and I realized that failure is of the mind.  It is impossible when we are clear in our thoughts and intentions to fail.  It may appear possible to fail, and we may experience embarrassment, but ultimately our thoughts are manifesting.  So if I am afraid of anything, then I attract that to me, and wa la success in reverse, LOL.

One of the questions I have been attempting to answer is what does it feel like to be a woman?  What do GG's feel inside?  The interesting thing is that I get confirmation that I am a woman every day in some way and this body I feel is not female, so thus my confusion.  It is like the sound of a violin attempting to come out of a cello, or a flute coming out of an oboe.  It does not mean that the flute is not a flute, only that it is very difficult for an Oboe to be a flute.  Anyway, life goes on and at least I feel like the woman I am and I am expressing myself as I need to.  All is well, the few physical changes that I would like, are in the process and in due time they will be completed. 

 


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02-04-2010 9:50:53 AM MST

Last week was a bit rough as I discoved that my anti-androgen dose was low and since I was feeling depressed, and I could not get the thought of chopping my testicles off out of my head I decided to double the dose I was taking to the minimum standard dose recommended by WPATH which maintains the Standards of Care.  The range they recommend is 200-400 mg Spironolactone divided into two doses a day.  So now I am taking 100mg in the morning and 100mg before bed and I try to get them 12 hrs apart if I can.  I also cut back on my estrogen to 5mg a day which I take 2mg estradiol in the morning and before bed supplemented with 1mg of estrofem (17ß Oestradial) mid-day.  This combination feels really good and so I will stick with this regimen for a while.  I still want to rid myself of the testicles so that I can eliminate the Spiro, but I am being patient and praying for SRS.  Btw, the WPATH recommends the oral estrogen dose be from 2mg-6mg a day and many doctors will have you take a baby aspirin once a day as a prophylactic.  Since I am intolerant of aspirin (it almost killed me from internal bleeding) I do not take it.  In a week or so I will go back to the clinic and have my blood tested, just to make sure all is well - which I know it is ;-)


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02-01-2010 5:56:07 PM MST

Let me make it perfectly clear that I do not want to be transgender!  I simply am.  I am living with it the best I can, but keep crashing into my ego.  I am making progress and I know because I am scared.  Imagine a crab with no shell or a turtle with no shell, this is how I feel.  I have taken off my shell!  What if no one loves me!!  What have I done to deserve any love?  What must I do to substantiate my existance?   May God have mercy on my soul. 


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01-31-2010 2:06:12 AM MST

I just got back from an evening out with the girls and I must say that I feel so much love when I am with them.  Our talks at the GICC are fun, interesting and contructive, but it is the chat time afterwards when we go out for a snack that I enjoy the most.  Being around others who are like you is comforting and encouraging because we share stories of how we have survived and thrived.  I remember thinking about 5 years ago that my next relationship would be with a transperson, be they non-op, pre-op or post-op I will best fit with another gender varient person.  I have met some beautiful people in Denver too, although I am not sure if I have met the one.  For that matter I am not so sure I am even able to handle a relationship at this point.  There is no rush, The right person for me is out there and I am so grateful they are willing to wait for me.  ;-)


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01-29-2010 7:59:04 PM MST

I sit here contemplating my career and where I can get a job.  I am not so sure I can even do a job at this point.  I seem to be in the grips of a depression right now.  When I make a move to do something I get a tight nauseated feeling in my gut.  I just do not understand how I was directed to walk this road and now that I am here, there is one road block after another.  My hope has given away to reality, whatever that is. 

I look around me to see where I am and I see that I am doing very well in many respects, however the money issue is not going so well and neither is my transition since it cannot go any further without money.  I could use a miracle at this point.  Whatta ya say Lord?  Since this is do or die, let's make a choice.  Given something to do that will produce results I am willing, ready and able.  I sense my time here in Denver is coming to a close and that maybe I need to be looking at moving on, wherever the next job takes me.  Another Month till Gold Rush and then who knows!  I am still excited about my presentation there. 


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01-27-2010 10:29:52 AM MST

I am on the plateau gliding along and doing the best that I can.  My transition is at a standstill and what is next for me I am not totally sure.  I do know that my ministry work means more to me than anything else right now.  I am who I am and without making any more changes that is fine.  Whether I would feel better no longer having testicles I can only guess the answer is yes, because I could stop taking most of the hormones I am taking now.  The thought of stopping the hormones depresses me more than I already am.  I would rather die than dress as a man again.  Drug free sounds good but in today's society it is impractical.  We rely on chemicals for so much these days.  Anyway, I would like the SRS but will not hang my happiness on that. 

I discovered a foundation that will fund the surgery but you must meet strict guidelines and put up some of the money for things like transportation to and from, any post care, counseling is required, and so is electrolysis.  I have my face about half cleared and have done nothing on my genitals which are supposed to be cleared at least a little in advance.  Those who are best prepared will be first in line to get the foundation grant.  I am a good example of what happens to a person who lives in denial for so many years!  I am feeling a flash of anger for a society that suppresses creativity, and self expression.  I have always hated how houses look like boxes because they are a reflection of greater society that wants us all to live the same.  

I am angry with my family for not supporting me when I was 17 and I suppose I should say I am angry with my parents.  I felt alone then and I feel alone now!  I am grateful for my friends but I have to do this myself.  I hate asking for help!  They say it takes courage to do all this, but I say it only takes desperation!  DO or DIE, which is a place I am finding myself often these days.  

I love the work I am doing with my ministry, but when it comes to getting out and working in any job I am hitting a wall.  I actually get nauseas!  I do not understand why, because when I talk to people they are nice and encouraging, but somehow feel I do not fit their situation.  I really am feeling like I need to do something on my own but that is not going well either since I have been looking for housework, elderly care, pet sitting, house sitting, tutoring, and cleanup work for months now and that is going nowhere fast!  My attempts to get Spiritual Counseling clients are producing nothing, although I have helped a few people in capacity as a minister which feels really good.  The good news is that I am really feeling like a minister now, and it is my greatest desire to help others.  I study and read all the time; it would be a shame to not share this vast knowledge.  I will continue writing as this seems to come naturally to me.  Maybe I will do another eBook. 
 

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01-22-2010 5:56:16 PM MST

I took a test that a friend suggested today and here are the results.   This test is designed to identify gender issues if any exist.  No surprises here for me. 

S.A.G.E. Test Results
Your Raw Score is: 570, which indicates that overall you are Feminine
Your appearance is Masculine
Your brain processes are mostly that of an Androgynous person.
You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.
You believe you have major conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated you were born Male.
ANALYSIS:
Male to Female Transsexual, who is a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery

NOTES:
  • Your answers indicate you have altered your physical appearance to look like the opposite sex.
 
http://www.hemingways.org/GIDinfo/sage/index.htm This is the link to the test, I am placing this on the gender links page as well. 

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01-20-2010 9:13:46 PM MST

I got this idea from my friend Dora of Dora's Corner check out her page after you read this, the link is on the gender links page.  This is an interview with myself basically, using questions that I ask my self all the time. You probably ask youself these questions, and if not maybe you should. 

 

"Every response you make is determined by what you think you are, and what you want to be is what you think you are. What you want to be, then, must determine every response you make."
A Course In Miracles, Chapter 7.VII, The Totality of the Kingdom
 
Questions and Answers
What is your life purpose?
My purpose is simple really and that is to be who I am, inspire others to be who they are, and to see beyond this veil we call life on earth. 
What is your goal in life?
My goal is dynamic and is constantly changing depending on what stage or level I am in at the moment. Right now my goal is to fulfill my purpose in this lifetime and to see the big picture of where humanity is headed. I also intend to share my vision with others knowing full well that what I say is true and that it is a prayer which is manifest. 
How do you identify?
This is another loaded question that is difficult to answer. The answer depends on the time frame and which end of the kaleidoscope I am looking through. At this point in my life I am a male woman who is coming to terms with this reality, a reality that I was unaware of till late in my childhood. My desire to dress as a woman started as a unique curiosity for me and one I had no concept of. Later when I was approaching adulthood I was made aware of transgender and realized that I am a woman in a male body, however I did not accept that this was a mistake or “birth defect”. I still do not accept that I am anything other than a perfect child of God. It is my views of the world that are imperfect, so it is my internal views that must change. If that includes changing my body then so be it. I am the artist and my body is the clay. The tool I use is my mind. 
Have you always thought this way?
Yes and No, I have always known that I am a perfect child of God, however I have not always experienced this, nor have I thought of myself as a woman. I think how I think and whether that is male or female I do not know, but from what I am told and read, yes I do think as a woman would for the most part. Yet many traits that woman share such as gossip, backstabbing, and self-righteousness repulse me. I suppose I am seeing the ego mind at work and generalizing here, so this is my perception of how things are. I often feel neither male nor female.
Are you happy where you are now?
Yes, I am happy at this point of my life, and in fact I have been happy at each stage of my life for the most part. I had an inner drive to change my life that I did not understand and am still grasping. On the one hand I am happy and content to live the rest of my days just as I am right now, and on the other hand I feel that I need to offer something to someone (do something). Just when I think I have it figured out it all changes, so I am somewhat frustrated with that feeling. Setting that feeling aside is wonderful and it is a constant vigil. Maybe this is how I stay awake and aware of my journey.
Where are you headed?
The simple answer is that I am headed home, my Spiritual Home. The complicated answer is that I am doing what I feel I need to in order to fulfill my purpose here in this lifetime. I am playing my role so to speak. 
Is there anything you would like to accomplish before you die?
Well, first of all I never do die, however this life role will end and I am ready for that at any time. I feel that my train is nearing the station so to speak which is a comforting feeling. I also feel that I have some twenty or so years left in me, so I would like to experience at least this one thing before I move on. I would like to feel love as a woman feels love. To be in a relationship where I feel cherished and fulfilled by my partner from the woman’s point of view. I assume that will be with a man, although I am open to other possibilities, such as a lesbian relationship. I have tried the lesbian relationship several times, so I am inclined to believe that a straight relationship is what I really desire.
 

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