03-15-2010 11:44:21 AM MST
Last night I watched the CNN documentary, “Her Name Was Steven” http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/03/10/her.name.was.steven/index.html The story of Susan Stanton’s transition journey was covered from childhood to present and was a very compelling story of transformation. I totally relate to the story being told, even the name Steven is the same. It was almost like they were telling my story, although there were some big differences. It was the gender identity questions and experiences that were similar. Interesting to see what happens when this sort of thing gets into the spotlight. I appreciated how Susan stayed true to her beliefs and did not get dragged into the mainstream. That is not easy and I give kudos to her for that. I am also pleased that she has found a job in Florida. I have no idea where life will take me next, but I am remaining open to Holy Spirit and her guidance.
I sent in my application for GRS Grant though the Jim Collins Foundation. Not sure how long it will be till I hear something back. I am proceeding with my plan to have surgery in the next year. I am using the money from school which I get next month for counseling and attaining my surgery letters. I will also have some electrolysis done and make a reservation with Marci Bowers. I am very excited!
03-11-2010 8:38:14 AM MST
This morning I had a dream about my name Sequoia so I wish to talk about it. I chose that name for several very personal reasons. The cherokee meaning of the word phonetically is "sparrow", which we all know is a very common bird here in the USA. The bird is small, very social and lives in communities or flocks. The metaphysical meaning of this bird is "common" which is what came to me in my dream. In the dream dictionary it means hard work and discipline. The sparrow is a symbol of business. Where this puts me on my road I am not sure, but it seems I have much work left to do.
The first thought that came to my mind when choosing the name Sequoia is the tree, which is the largest living thing on earth, lives for thousands of years and has no enemies. Of course it was named by a Dr. Albert Kellogg in 1853. The story that I read said Chief Sequoyah was the inspiration and all he did was use the latin spelling. Since I am tall and have auburn hair like my Mom, I do match nicely with the tree. In honor of my Mother I decided to take her middle name, but wanted to keep it american so I spelled it slightly different, Elisabeth is the american spelling of the jewish name Elizabeth. The last name is still there because of legal ease and to honor my father, he kept this name so it must mean something to him. He means a lot to me and I love him for who he is, that will not change. He would probably say that I don't show it and I would say "you make it very difficult".
I will answer to "Sequoia", "Sequoia Elisabeth", "Elisabeth" or "Lizzy". My Dad prefers to call me Lizzy and I am simply glad that he speaks to me at all. Right now I prefer "Sequoia Elisabeth" because I am thinking of going with "Elisabeth" after I have SRS. If you would like to share which name you prefer, I am happy to listen ;-)
03-08-2010 7:00:11 PM MST
Just checking in. I almost have my grant proposal ready to send in. I still need two personal reference letters which are harder to get than I thought they would be. I hope to have them by this weekend. The other aspects of the grant such as professional letters I will work on getting when I get some money. Six weeks to go and I recieve the next installment of my loan money. A nice chunk of change to make change with! Things are falling into place so I am happy about that! My friend Chris posted a picture of us on facebook taken at the Gold Rush and I must say we both look good together. It has been a while since I have had a good picture taken of me. I have changed a little in appearance. I know that I am changing because I can see that in the world around me. The transition proceeds and I am taking steps to make each aspect happen asap. Electrolysis and SRS are the main things left and those are only a matter of time. All is going as planned.
03-04-2010 11:20:40 AM MST
What will be, will be. Fate is not something you have to believe in, although it is something we can experience. I have been feeling this a lot lately. I have chosen a train and now I am just enjoying the ride till we reach the station. What is my destination? I am already there! It is like taking the train ride at Disneyland. I am having all sorts of wonderful experiences and the ride ends where I got on, at the station. There are other stops and if I choose to get off I may, but that means I would be in a totally different location in the Universe. I wish to finish this journey and carry it to its Highest Potential. I love earth and am always grateful to be here. Once I am on the train, fighting that just creates pain and suffering, so I am sitting back and enjoying the view! Oh, by the way, this is a train ride through Heaven. ;-)
03-02-2010 9:33:08 PM MST
Money is no excuse! I stand humbly on the path, ready, willing and able to move forward in service. I give my Life to Holy Spirit so that I may serve in the Highest and Best Good of my self, my Loved ones, and everyone everywhere. I am grateful for all the gifts I find every day on this journey of discovery. Each day, I know my self a little bit better!
I feel like GRS is coming very soon. I sense all my dreams coming together as planned. Peace fills my heart♥
03-01-2010 3:36:43 PM MST
I made it through the weekend! The Gold Rush convention is a big Success. I am so grateful to have been a part of it! I attended Friday morning, helped set up a few rooms for workshops and then attended "Success in your Transition" by ArLene Lafferty and Dani McDonough. They made some good points about success being relative and that it has many aspects. It is important to know what success means to you so that when you reach that place it is accompanied by happiness. Afterward I did my presentation to an audience of six. We had a good talk about safety and how that relates to the Law of Attraction. See my article posted on this website. I stopped into the vender area to say Hi to a few friends and then headed home for lunch. Sat. morning I returned in time to attend Karen Scarpella's workshop on Relationships and Sexuality. We had a lively discussion and I feel like progress was made. I was looking for perspectives that would add to my understanding of sexuality and while I am not so sure I did that, I did learn a few things about the transsexual journey. After this I went to get some lunch at Arby's and came back to set up rooms for the afternoon workshops. I ended up chatting with Mindy Barton for a long time and gaining some deeper understanding of Colorado Law. The afternoon ended up with me sitting in on the last 15mins of Dr. Sherman Leis's workshop and then sitting through Marci Bowers workshop. I am very impressed with Marci and am proceeding with my plan to have her do my surgery, depending on the Grant money I am applying for. Marcy and I had a brief conference and she answered a few questions I had about my specific situation. I plan on having a job here soon so that I can save up enough money to have a trachea shave while having my GRS. For some strange reason they are moving away from SRS terminology and using GRS = genital reassignment surgery. I have a feeling that 5 years from now that will be changed again. Miranda being the doll that she is allowed me to use her hotel room to change for the banquet. I really enjoyed Kim Pearson's keynote speech on TYFA and the two little TG girls stole the show with their singing and dancing! The food was great, I sat at a table with my friend Chris and met several wonderful people. The conference from what I hear had about 200 people in attendence, so I know that Kate and Teeg were pleased. We did have a big glitch in that the lunch banquet ran over about 30 mins and so the workshops in the afternoon all ran late, but as usual everything worked out. For my first convention of this type, I have to admit that I am very pleased!
02-24-2010 3:55:26 PM MST
Only two days before I give my first workshop (Friday 10:30) on "Safety and the Law of Attraction". I am excited and nervous. This is a topic I am passionate about and one I have been studying for years, so while I have a written script to go by I will be speaking from my heart as well. I got the inspiration to do this while attending the townhall meeting last month. The audience (95% GLBT) expressed fear and misunderstanding about the realities of life. I feel it is my duty to set them at ease. I will present the facts as I see them, since all facts are relative and impermanent. I also will honor those who wish to walk their own path, be it painful or not. I cannot make decisions for others and if they wish to do themselves harm then I am at a loss. This goes for my own brother! May he see the Light. I walk my path and no other, I am true to myself! I look forward to meeting new friends and visiting with old friends this weekend.
02-20-2010 9:47:04 AM MST
Last night in dream state I experienced (for a lack of a better word) both my Native American names. This dream was an explanation of what I experienced in my waking life, I often get guidance this way. The first half of this life has been in male expression and that name is "Touches The Sky", now I am in the second half of this lifetime in female expression and that name is "Summer Sunset". I did not choose these names they were actually given me by others along my path. Several years ago before I transitioned, I was in Alaska and I met some Native American/Alaskan Natives, I believe they are Athabascan, but that does not matter, the point is they seemed to know me! We had never met before, that I knew of. They called me "Touches The Sky" and felt honored to be accepted by them as such!
Now that I am living as a woman I got a psychic or channeled reading not long ago and I was told my Spirit Guides name is "Summer Sunset". Since I was born in the summer just after the sunset this makes since to me, LOL. I love the image I get when I think of Summer Sunset, the sky is filled with all sorts of warm color from yellow to crimson with purple thrown in for good measure, lol. I feel the warmth and Love. I thank my Spirit Guides for joining me on this journey of Love. I know they work through me to create the Highest Good for everyone.
Please still call me Sequoia Elisabeth, for on this earth plane that is who I am. Deep within however I know that I am so much more!
02-17-2010 9:31:14 AM MST
It has been a while since I wrote an update to my situation, so let me do a review here. All is well! Always and all Ways. LOL. Heath wise I just went to the clinic last week and got my blood levels tested and all came back normal for a woman ;-) You may remember that I increased my Spiro to 200mg a day, well now I am back down to 175 a day. It is tough on the system since it dehydrates so much, constipation becomes a issue. I am drinking water like a fish! The estrogen is about right as I feel good at 5mg a day. The next issue for me to face is getting my electrolysis done somehow. There is a wonderful lady who does it here in Denver and she is very reasonably priced, so all I need do is come up with a few thousand dollars, time and transportation. There are a couple of options as to the details which I will allow to work themselves out. I accept the process as my journey, it is all good.
The Gold Rush conference is next week or 8 days away and I am looking forward to it. This will be my first, so I am a little nervous. Big social events are always nerve racking no matter what the circumstances. I sometimes find myself overwhelmed by all the activity, which I suppose I could compare to masculine energy (active energy). I am a pacifist, lol, I prefer yin energy or passive energy. Extraverted men or women make me nervous and always have, but then since I am a introverted woman we do sometimes cross paths. I will manage. The big event for me is the workshop I am leading on Friday 10:30am. The topic is Safety and the Law of Attraction which I feel is so needed in the trans community, actually all communities would benefit from this info. The LofA is making it mainstream now days but I am not sure how much we understand the benefits or how to apply it. Patience is required! If you make it to Gold Rush please stop in and participate in my discussion on safety. If I can get 5-10 people who are willing to discuss safety as they relate to the workings of life, I feel like my goal will be achieved. I just want you to know that I care and for you to realize just how powerful you are! Transition from MtoF or FtoM is not for casual travelers. I ask that you are easy and loving with yourself, because ultimately we are all the maestros of our lives.
02-14-2010 10:49:01 AM MST
Dear One I Love you with all my heart. You are the Moon in my Stars, the Flame in my Heart! May I hold you close and feel your warmth and the power of your heartbeat. I am comforted by your soft warm skin on mine and your warm breath on my neck, even though it smells like the garlic bread we had last night with our spaghetti. The twinkle in your deep radiant hazel eyes hypnotize me so that I could sit here all day just gazing into your beauty. I can feel your Love lifting me above all my cares in the world, I only wish to be in your arms!!!
In Deep Loving Passion, Your Lover ♥♥♥
02-10-2010 9:19:18 AM MST
Last night I was laying in bed and I realized that I am re-defining my definition of woman. At least what woman means to me. We all have our own beliefs and prejudices to varying degrees and mine are being challenged! Which is precisely what I wanted. It is my intention to stare my fears in the face and simply Love them (assuming I have more than one,lol). Acceptance has always been a big one for me and has often been an excuss to not do something, failure is not a choice! Then I got to thinking and I realized that failure is of the mind. It is impossible when we are clear in our thoughts and intentions to fail. It may appear possible to fail, and we may experience embarrassment, but ultimately our thoughts are manifesting. So if I am afraid of anything, then I attract that to me, and wa la success in reverse, LOL.
One of the questions I have been attempting to answer is what does it feel like to be a woman? What do GG's feel inside? The interesting thing is that I get confirmation that I am a woman every day in some way and this body I feel is not female, so thus my confusion. It is like the sound of a violin attempting to come out of a cello, or a flute coming out of an oboe. It does not mean that the flute is not a flute, only that it is very difficult for an Oboe to be a flute. Anyway, life goes on and at least I feel like the woman I am and I am expressing myself as I need to. All is well, the few physical changes that I would like, are in the process and in due time they will be completed.
02-04-2010 9:50:53 AM MST
Last week was a bit rough as I discoved that my anti-androgen dose was low and since I was feeling depressed, and I could not get the thought of chopping my testicles off out of my head I decided to double the dose I was taking to the minimum standard dose recommended by WPATH which maintains the Standards of Care. The range they recommend is 200-400 mg Spironolactone divided into two doses a day. So now I am taking 100mg in the morning and 100mg before bed and I try to get them 12 hrs apart if I can. I also cut back on my estrogen to 5mg a day which I take 2mg estradiol in the morning and before bed supplemented with 1mg of estrofem (17ß Oestradial) mid-day. This combination feels really good and so I will stick with this regimen for a while. I still want to rid myself of the testicles so that I can eliminate the Spiro, but I am being patient and praying for SRS. Btw, the WPATH recommends the oral estrogen dose be from 2mg-6mg a day and many doctors will have you take a baby aspirin once a day as a prophylactic. Since I am intolerant of aspirin (it almost killed me from internal bleeding) I do not take it. In a week or so I will go back to the clinic and have my blood tested, just to make sure all is well - which I know it is ;-)
02-01-2010 5:56:07 PM MST
Let me make it perfectly clear that I do not want to be transgender! I simply am. I am living with it the best I can, but keep crashing into my ego. I am making progress and I know because I am scared. Imagine a crab with no shell or a turtle with no shell, this is how I feel. I have taken off my shell! What if no one loves me!! What have I done to deserve any love? What must I do to substantiate my existance? May God have mercy on my soul.
01-31-2010 2:06:12 AM MST
I just got back from an evening out with the girls and I must say that I feel so much love when I am with them. Our talks at the GICC are fun, interesting and contructive, but it is the chat time afterwards when we go out for a snack that I enjoy the most. Being around others who are like you is comforting and encouraging because we share stories of how we have survived and thrived. I remember thinking about 5 years ago that my next relationship would be with a transperson, be they non-op, pre-op or post-op I will best fit with another gender varient person. I have met some beautiful people in Denver too, although I am not sure if I have met the one. For that matter I am not so sure I am even able to handle a relationship at this point. There is no rush, The right person for me is out there and I am so grateful they are willing to wait for me. ;-)
01-29-2010 7:59:04 PM MST
I sit here contemplating my career and where I can get a job. I am not so sure I can even do a job at this point. I seem to be in the grips of a depression right now. When I make a move to do something I get a tight nauseated feeling in my gut. I just do not understand how I was directed to walk this road and now that I am here, there is one road block after another. My hope has given away to reality, whatever that is.
I look around me to see where I am and I see that I am doing very well in many respects, however the money issue is not going so well and neither is my transition since it cannot go any further without money. I could use a miracle at this point. Whatta ya say Lord? Since this is do or die, let's make a choice. Given something to do that will produce results I am willing, ready and able. I sense my time here in Denver is coming to a close and that maybe I need to be looking at moving on, wherever the next job takes me. Another Month till Gold Rush and then who knows! I am still excited about my presentation there.
01-27-2010 10:29:52 AM MST
I am on the plateau gliding along and doing the best that I can. My transition is at a standstill and what is next for me I am not totally sure. I do know that my ministry work means more to me than anything else right now. I am who I am and without making any more changes that is fine. Whether I would feel better no longer having testicles I can only guess the answer is yes, because I could stop taking most of the hormones I am taking now. The thought of stopping the hormones depresses me more than I already am. I would rather die than dress as a man again. Drug free sounds good but in today's society it is impractical. We rely on chemicals for so much these days. Anyway, I would like the SRS but will not hang my happiness on that.
I discovered a foundation that will fund the surgery but you must meet strict guidelines and put up some of the money for things like transportation to and from, any post care, counseling is required, and so is electrolysis. I have my face about half cleared and have done nothing on my genitals which are supposed to be cleared at least a little in advance. Those who are best prepared will be first in line to get the foundation grant. I am a good example of what happens to a person who lives in denial for so many years! I am feeling a flash of anger for a society that suppresses creativity, and self expression. I have always hated how houses look like boxes because they are a reflection of greater society that wants us all to live the same.
I am angry with my family for not supporting me when I was 17 and I suppose I should say I am angry with my parents. I felt alone then and I feel alone now! I am grateful for my friends but I have to do this myself. I hate asking for help! They say it takes courage to do all this, but I say it only takes desperation! DO or DIE, which is a place I am finding myself often these days.
I love the work I am doing with my ministry, but when it comes to getting out and working in any job I am hitting a wall. I actually get nauseas! I do not understand why, because when I talk to people they are nice and encouraging, but somehow feel I do not fit their situation. I really am feeling like I need to do something on my own but that is not going well either since I have been looking for housework, elderly care, pet sitting, house sitting, tutoring, and cleanup work for months now and that is going nowhere fast! My attempts to get Spiritual Counseling clients are producing nothing, although I have helped a few people in capacity as a minister which feels really good. The good news is that I am really feeling like a minister now, and it is my greatest desire to help others. I study and read all the time; it would be a shame to not share this vast knowledge. I will continue writing as this seems to come naturally to me. Maybe I will do another eBook.
01-22-2010 5:56:16 PM MST
I took a test that a friend suggested today and here are the results. This test is designed to identify gender issues if any exist. No surprises here for me.
S.A.G.E. Test Results
Your Raw Score is: 570, which indicates that overall you are Feminine
Your appearance is Masculine
Your brain processes are mostly that of an Androgynous person.
You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.
You believe you have major conflicts about your gender identity.
You indicated you were born Male.
Male to Female Transsexual, who is a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery
- Your answers indicate you have altered your physical appearance to look like the opposite sex.
01-20-2010 9:13:46 PM MST
I got this idea from my friend Dora of Dora's Corner check out her page after you read this, the link is on the gender links page. This is an interview with myself basically, using questions that I ask my self all the time. You probably ask youself these questions, and if not maybe you should.
"Every response you make is determined by what you think you are, and what you want to be is what you think you are. What you want to be, then, must determine every response you make."
A Course In Miracles, Chapter 7.VII, The Totality of the Kingdom
Questions and Answers
What is your life purpose?
My purpose is simple really and that is to be who I am, inspire others to be who they are, and to see beyond this veil we call life on earth.
What is your goal in life?
My goal is dynamic and is constantly changing depending on what stage or level I am in at the moment. Right now my goal is to fulfill my purpose in this lifetime and to see the big picture of where humanity is headed. I also intend to share my vision with others knowing full well that what I say is true and that it is a prayer which is manifest.
How do you identify?
This is another loaded question that is difficult to answer. The answer depends on the time frame and which end of the kaleidoscope I am looking through. At this point in my life I am a male woman who is coming to terms with this reality, a reality that I was unaware of till late in my childhood. My desire to dress as a woman started as a unique curiosity for me and one I had no concept of. Later when I was approaching adulthood I was made aware of transgender and realized that I am a woman in a male body, however I did not accept that this was a mistake or “birth defect”. I still do not accept that I am anything other than a perfect child of God. It is my views of the world that are imperfect, so it is my internal views that must change. If that includes changing my body then so be it. I am the artist and my body is the clay. The tool I use is my mind.
Have you always thought this way?
Yes and No, I have always known that I am a perfect child of God, however I have not always experienced this, nor have I thought of myself as a woman. I think how I think and whether that is male or female I do not know, but from what I am told and read, yes I do think as a woman would for the most part. Yet many traits that woman share such as gossip, backstabbing, and self-righteousness repulse me. I suppose I am seeing the ego mind at work and generalizing here, so this is my perception of how things are. I often feel neither male nor female.
Are you happy where you are now?
Yes, I am happy at this point of my life, and in fact I have been happy at each stage of my life for the most part. I had an inner drive to change my life that I did not understand and am still grasping. On the one hand I am happy and content to live the rest of my days just as I am right now, and on the other hand I feel that I need to offer something to someone (do something). Just when I think I have it figured out it all changes, so I am somewhat frustrated with that feeling. Setting that feeling aside is wonderful and it is a constant vigil. Maybe this is how I stay awake and aware of my journey.
Where are you headed?
The simple answer is that I am headed home, my Spiritual Home. The complicated answer is that I am doing what I feel I need to in order to fulfill my purpose here in this lifetime. I am playing my role so to speak.
Is there anything you would like to accomplish before you die?
Well, first of all I never do die, however this life role will end and I am ready for that at any time. I feel that my train is nearing the station so to speak which is a comforting feeling. I also feel that I have some twenty or so years left in me, so I would like to experience at least this one thing before I move on. I would like to feel love as a woman feels love. To be in a relationship where I feel cherished and fulfilled by my partner from the woman’s point of view. I assume that will be with a man, although I am open to other possibilities, such as a lesbian relationship. I have tried the lesbian relationship several times, so I am inclined to believe that a straight relationship is what I really desire.
01-14-2010 3:30:32 PM MST
I found a new gender book to read. This one is titled "Wrapped in Blue, A journey of Discovery" by Donna Rose. Donna is a remarkable woman who I ran across on the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) website. Reading her memoirs are like revisiting my own past life and it amases me that our journeys can be so similar. Have never met her or him for that matter our lives have so many parallels. Could it be that the transsexual journey is supposed to be similar and the each of us adds our own flair to the story? Most likely that is the case, so I will continue to enjoy her memoirs and contemplate writing my own up in greater detail than I have already done. In a way it helps me to heal and provides persective on this journey of love.
This insight came to me earlier and I would like to share it here now. Transsexual describes my journey here in this lifetime, but it does not describe who I am. The "who I am" statement seems to shift every day in each moment, but over all it stays the same. "I am that, I am" This is the name of God spoken by Moses and this is the best description anyone can use to identify with! More specifically in this lifetime journey I am a male woman on the road to becoming fully female. We each have our own perspective on our Journey's and I would love to hear how others view me, not that it is any of my business. I continue to be the best person I can be and to live the life of my dreams!
The issue of money seems to be of great interest not only to me but to practically everyone I meet these days. My personal issues around money seem to be coming to light here lately and while I know what feels right, how to preceed is not so clear. Financial resources are required to do most anything in this society so in order for my "transition" to proceed physically I need to find more resources. At the same time I feel my Spiritual Self is growing emensely and no matter how much cash I have I continue to grow. My transition is to a point where I can tolerate having a penis, and shaving my face every other day so if I never do any thing more on my physical transformation I am happy. I am a beautiful woman as can plainly be seen in my photos, so with that said. Where to from here? We shall see....
01-07-2010 6:10:52 PM MST
I have been sort of in a fog the last few days and just not feeling like things were moving forward. Then I had the thought that "this feels like when I was in high school". I had no idea what I was going to do or where my life was headed at that time, and what I did think would happen never did. In fact, the career I ended up with had not even been invented yet and we are only talking 5 years till it was introduced. I feel better now knowing that most likely what I will be doing 5 years from now is nothing like what I think it will be. I am not even making plans any more. Something wonderful is bound to come along and sweep me off my feet and down the road to enlightenment or some facsimile there of. I really want to educate and counsel others, because this is what I enjoy and I feel like I am pretty good at it. I even got to where I am without being brainwashed by the old guard. My views are admittedly liberal, progressive and no longer middle of the road. I am making a stand now, this is who I am, it feels right. Take it or leave it.
Could get lonely in here...although I always have God to keep me company. LOL
01-04-2010 11:53:16 PM MST
The whole purpose of transition to me is to be my natural self with no pretense or unnatural role play. Reaching a place where I am comfortable with myself 100% of the time is the goal, and I would say that I am at 80%. I do fluctuate some from masculine to feminine, but from what I understand that is normal for anyone. My testis are a source of anxiety for me these days more than ever, and I am seriously considering orchiectomy, asap. If my real estate where to sell tomorrow, then I would get the orchi next week. The more I think about it, the more I am liking that idea. I can always get SRS later when the funds for that come in. Orchi surgery is only about 3k and they can do it as day surgery or short stay. I would no longer have to take the anti-androgens drugs and the less drugs I take the better!
My plans for transitioning are going right on schedule, so I am very pleased. I do need to get some electrolysis and again funding is my only excuse there, because I am ready to bite that bullet. My body is actually quite feminine these days and that pleases me emensely. I have very little facial hair and most of those are gray. My body hair is non-existent or very soft and feminine, and my head hair is getting to be just the right length. I have always dreamed of having long hair! I got my nails done again today in a french manicure with clear lialac base. I love the lavender shimmer they have. So life is going on as planned and besides the big expensive items I am just where I need to be on my transition planning guide, living my natural life as who I am.
01-01-2010 12:22:40 PM MST
The road to self actualization can be a long and arduous one. In my transition I have gone through many stages and fluctuations. At first the change was easy, I had been dreaming of being the woman I desired for most of my life. Coming out was a joyous time and I don’t remember being afraid, well maybe a bit concerned about being accepted by my family. I think they thought this was a phase even at 45, because at first they accepted me, this is how I know they Love me. It was only after they could see that I was not going back that they became distraught. My younger brother refuses to speak with me anymore and we were about as close as any two people can be. I miss our talks. My older brother, since we don’t see each other very often anyway is taking it in stride. He is the one who looked out after me when we were young and for this I am very grateful. Being treated like a boy when I was young shaped my personality and inner strength much differently than if I had been given a female body. Had I been born a female, I would have had that conditioning and thereby not be the same person I am today. I see that there is higher purpose to all things and events and I am grateful.
Lately I feel like I am going from one role play to another, namely man to woman. I find myself acting feminine when in public more so than when in private. I know that I just need to be natural, that is relax into my being and not be afraid. My ‘Cancer the Crab’ zodiac is showing with me running around in my shell protecting myself, it is almost comical, lol. I feel like my place is somewhere in the middle of the gender sex spectrum on the female side and living that in our society is very difficult. This is why I have always admired tomboy and maculine women. I knew this would be difficult 30 yrs ago and perhaps that is why I did not attempt transition at that time. I know also that we often make things harder than they need to be. Living to societies norms is easy at first, this is why we see movie stars and rock stars shoot to the top and then fade, while it is easy at first it becomes difficult over time. The stars that last are the ones who are authentic and true to themselves. Michael Jackson is a good example. Knowing this does not make it any easier I might add. It is always easier to be yourself, which is the person you live with when you are alone. Daring to be yourself and accepting life takes courage weather conscious or not. I think many courageous people are not aware of how their actions are perceived. We do what we are compelled to do, be it good, bad or indifferent. In this respect it is like karma or fate. I often feel like I am acting out a script that I wrote long ago in a land far, far away! “All the world’s a stage, and we are merely players” Shakespeare. I pray this is just another step on my journey and that my path is obvious. Of course there is no wrong or right way to live, only your way and this is what I seek. I have come a long way!
12-30-2009 5:20:45 PM MST
What is the difference between a feminine gay man and transgender woman? This can be an issue of semantics but I believe it goes deeper than that. I know that many transgender women go through the phase of believing they are gay because they are attracted to men, but this is usually before they realize how much they enjoy crossdressing. When they look back over their life they realize they had been more into womans clothing than even they thought. The feminine gay man is not ready to give up the male priviledge or the sexual experience they have as a man. The feminine gay man enjoys dressing as a woman but only temporarily, and often they make the perfect partner for a gay man who has bisexual tendencies. Ultimately all relationships come down to balance of energy. We attract the person who will best balance our energy and bring pleasure into our lives. If this is not our experience then there is an important message in that and we need to pay attention to what upsets us. These are things we need to work on, not our partner.
The transgender woman enjoys living in a world of both. They usually identify as a woman when feminine gay men do not. They also feel natural with both breasts and a penis. The can be attracted to men, women or a other transgender persons. Wearing womans clothing is natural for them and they often have a combination of masculine and feminine traits to a degree that seems contrasting. The feminine gay man is usually comfortable with themselves and act the way that is natural to them without concern for "how they appear".
If a transgender woman is uncomfortable with their penis and cannot imagine themselves in male roles this puts them in the transsexual catagory. Transsexuals desire to have their sexual parts changed to fit their gender identity. The line here is not always clear, however over time it does become obvious. It can also fluctuate at times too, where sometimes they are ok with their penis and at other times not. These individuals need to progress cautiously and really get to know themselves. Experiment sexually with both men and woman, dressing in both genders and be honest with their feelings.
As much as I love my ex, I can see now that I am the one who really wanted to move on, and it is because I desire to be with a man. I could probably get used to not having sex, but I owe it to myself to enjoy all aspects of human life. Who knows maybe next lifetime I will come back as an extraterrestrial who discovers earth, lol. The thought of sex with my penis makes me nauseous now, and while I can live with it being there, it is depressing. I can accept it if I am considered a feminine gay man or a transgender woman, but in reality I consider myself to be a transsexual woman. Technically though I am a straight pre-op transgender woman, because I have yet to have the surgery.
No I have no idea why I am so caught up in semantics, and I sure wish I could just be myself and not even think about it. It hasn't happened yet.
12-29-2009 11:26:51 PM MST
Here is a comment I received today that I would like to answer back, but the author chose to be anonymous. The way I view this comment is that it is the voice of Ego (the seperate self) speaking.
Question or Comment?: 1st: you are still a guy although u have boobs.
2nd:you are not a stranger in a strange land.
3rd: you dont know what it\'s like to be a stranger
4th:You will never know what it\'s like being a natural parent because of your choices.
5th:i hear a lotta selfpitty!
6th:posting a comment is impossible!
What is really happening when a person uses the word "you" to refer to someone else is they are really speaking of there own perspective of things, which is fine. I know that those who knew me before my transition are having a difficult time with my changes and I respect that. However no one can know truly what another is experiencing, they can only guess or think they know. When I wrote that blog my hormone levels felt very high and I cannot understate the power of hormones on how we feel. There are times when my "blood runs very hot" and I can only wonder if other women feel this same way?
I believe I learned from my parents that having kids was a lot to handle so I never wanted children. I am grateful given my current condition that I am not a natural parent. Never once have I felt like a father to anyone or have I pretended to be one. Lately I have felt what I call a motherly care for mankind. I make a great housewife in my opinion, because I love it so, it feels so natural.
Self pity is something that I have dealt with all my life, again something I learned. Sometimes I get in that frame of mind and the thought of taking my own life is foremost in my thoughts. We all have our ways of coping with life and that is one method (thinking not acting).
It is very regretable to me that the comment feature is difficult to use, however there is little I can do about that. Feel free to use the Question/Comment form on the homepage and please consider taking responsibility for the words you offer up. Our journey is about spiritual growth ultimately, so be happy, we have come a long way! I am very grateful you cared enough to voice your opinion! Blessings, Sequoia Elisabeth
12-26-2009 2:28:22 PM MST
I stand at a crossroad and have been standing here now for quite sometime. I can not see my purpose. What I do know is that I am comfortable wearing these clothes, I love makeup - esp. Lipstick and I feel a strong yearning to care for others - to have a mate that I can care for. I so wish I could bear children; my womb feels a longing to expand with life. The erge to have a man fill me with his Love and share his seed is almost overwhelming. And yet I have this growth between my legs, aahhgg o.O Please help me Holy Spirit. Somehow I am a stranger in a strange land. Is this the way other GG women feel? Is this the way cys-gender woman feel?
Where is my "place" in this world? How am I to serve? How am I to function in this world of Money is Everything? I do not wish to be in this world of Money. I feel stuck between two worlds. Truly a Transition....
The score so far,
Physical Sex - Male
Brain Sex - Female
Gender Identity - Woman
Gender role - Woman
Sexual Orientation - Pansexual
What has changed? Only my Gender role which is now appropriate to my GI, and BS. Sexual Orientation is still a mystery really, I desire a man as any woman would and do not care how this man thinks of himself. And yet I feel guilty wanting a man, especially as long as I have male plumbing. Please help me release this false belief Holy Spirit! The physical Sex is half changed, at least I have my breasts!