Dear One I Love you with all my heart. You are the Moon in my Stars, the Flame in my Heart! May I hold you close and feel your warmth and the power of your heartbeat. I am comforted by your soft warm skin on mine and your warm breath on my neck, even though it smells like the garlic bread we had last night with our spaghetti. The twinkle in your deep radiant hazel eyes hypnotize me so that I could sit here all day just gazing into your beauty. I can feel your Love lifting me above all my cares in the world, I only wish to be in your arms!!!   

Last night I was laying in bed and I realized that I am re-defining my definition of woman.  At least what woman means to me.  We all have our own beliefs and prejudices to varying degrees and mine are being challenged!  Which is precisely what I wanted.  It is my intention to stare my fears in the face and simply Love them (assuming I have more than one,lol).  Acceptance has always been a big one for me and has often been an excuss to not do something, failure is not a choice!  Then I got to thinking and I realized that failure is of the mind.  It is impossible when we are clear in our thoughts and intentions to fail.  It may appear possible to fail, and we may experience embarrassment, but ultimately our thoughts are manifesting.  So if I am afraid of anything, then I attract that to me, and wa la success in reverse, LOL.

One of the questions I have been attempting to answer is what does it feel like to be a woman?  What do GG's feel inside?  The interesting thing is that I get confirmation that I am a woman every day in some way and this body I feel is not female, so thus my confusion.  It is like the sound of a violin attempting to come out of a cello, or a flute coming out of an oboe.  It does not mean that the flute is not a flute, only that it is very difficult for an Oboe to be a flute.  Anyway, life goes on and at least I feel like the woman I am and I am expressing myself as I need to.  All is well, the few physical changes that I would like, are in the process and in due time they will be completed. 

Last week was a bit rough as I discoved that my anti-androgen dose was low and since I was feeling depressed, and I could not get the thought of chopping my testicles off out of my head I decided to double the dose I was taking to the minimum standard dose recommended by WPATH which maintains the Standards of Care.  The range they recommend is 200-400 mg Spironolactone divided into two doses a day.  So now I am taking 100mg in the morning and 100mg before bed and I try to get them 12 hrs apart if I can.  I also cut back on my estrogen to 5mg a day which I take 2mg estradiol in the morning and before bed supplemented with 1mg of estrofem (17ß Oestradial) mid-day.  This combination feels really good and so I will stick with this regimen for a while.  I still want to rid myself of the testicles so that I can eliminate the Spiro, but I am being patient and praying for SRS.  Btw, the WPATH recommends the oral estrogen dose be from 2mg-6mg a day and many doctors will have you take a baby aspirin once a day as a prophylactic.  Since I am intolerant of aspirin (it almost killed me from internal bleeding) I do not take it.  In a week or so I will go back to the clinic and have my blood tested, just to make sure all is well - which I know it is ;-)

Let me make it perfectly clear that I do not want to be transgender!  I simply am.  I am living with it the best I can, but keep crashing into my ego.  I am making progress and I know because I am scared.  Imagine a crab with no shell or a turtle with no shell, this is how I feel.  I have taken off my shell!  What if no one loves me!!  What have I done to deserve any love?  What must I do to substantiate my existance?   May God have mercy on my soul. 

I just got back from an evening out with the girls and I must say that I feel so much love when I am with them.  Our talks at the GICC are fun, interesting and contructive, but it is the chat time afterwards when we go out for a snack that I enjoy the most.  Being around others who are like you is comforting and encouraging because we share stories of how we have survived and thrived.  I remember thinking about 5 years ago that my next relationship would be with a transperson, be they non-op, pre-op or post-op I will best fit with another gender varient person.  I have met some beautiful people in Denver too, although I am not sure if I have met the one.  For that matter I am not so sure I am even able to handle a relationship at this point.  There is no rush, The right person for me is out there and I am so grateful they are willing to wait for me.  ;-)

I sit here contemplating my career and where I can get a job.  I am not so sure I can even do a job at this point.  I seem to be in the grips of a depression right now.  When I make a move to do something I get a tight nauseated feeling in my gut.  I just do not understand how I was directed to walk this road and now that I am here, there is one road block after another.  My hope has given away to reality, whatever that is. 

I look around me to see where I am and I see that I am doing very well in many respects, however the money issue is not going so well and neither is my transition since it cannot go any further without money.  I could use a miracle at this point.  Whatta ya say Lord?  Since this is do or die, let's make a choice.  Given something to do that will produce results I am willing, ready and able.  I sense my time here in Denver is coming to a close and that maybe I need to be looking at moving on, wherever the next job takes me.  Another Month till Gold Rush and then who knows!  I am still excited about my presentation there. 

I am on the plateau gliding along and doing the best that I can.  My transition is at a standstill and what is next for me I am not totally sure.  I do know that my ministry work means more to me than anything else right now.  I am who I am and without making any more changes that is fine.  Whether I would feel better no longer having testicles I can only guess the answer is yes, because I could stop taking most of the hormones I am taking now.  The thought of stopping the hormones depresses me more than I already am.  I would rather die than dress as a man again.  Drug free sounds good but in today's society it is impractical.  We rely on chemicals for so much these days.  Anyway, I would like the SRS but will not hang my happiness on that. 

I discovered a foundation that will fund the surgery but you must meet strict guidelines and put up some of the money for things like transportation to and from, any post care, counseling is required, and so is electrolysis.  I have my face about half cleared and have done nothing on my genitals which are supposed to be cleared at least a little in advance.  Those who are best prepared will be first in line to get the foundation grant.  I am a good example of what happens to a person who lives in denial for so many years!  I am feeling a flash of anger for a society that suppresses creativity, and self expression.  I have always hated how houses look like boxes because they are a reflection of greater society that wants us all to live the same.  

I am angry with my family for not supporting me when I was 17 and I suppose I should say I am angry with my parents.  I felt alone then and I feel alone now!  I am grateful for my friends but I have to do this myself.  I hate asking for help!  They say it takes courage to do all this, but I say it only takes desperation!  DO or DIE, which is a place I am finding myself often these days.  

I took a test that a friend suggested today and here are the results.   This test is designed to identify gender issues if any exist.  No surprises here for me. 

• Your answers indicate you have altered your physical appearance to look like the opposite sex.

I got this idea from my friend Dora of Dora's Corner check out her page after you read this, the link is on the gender links page.  This is an interview with myself basically, using questions that I ask my self all the time. You probably ask youself these questions, and if not maybe you should. 

I found a new gender book to read.  This one is titled "Wrapped in Blue, A journey of Discovery" by Donna Rose.  Donna is a remarkable woman who I ran across on the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) website.  Reading her memoirs are like revisiting my own past life and it amases me that our journeys can be so similar.  Have never met her or him for that matter our lives have so many parallels.  Could it be that the transsexual journey is supposed to be similar and the each of us adds our own flair to the story?  Most likely that is the case, so I will continue to enjoy her memoirs and contemplate writing my own up in greater detail than I have already done.  In a way it helps me to heal and provides persective on this journey of love. 

This insight came to me earlier and I would like to share it here now.  Transsexual describes my journey here in this lifetime, but it does not describe who I am.  The "who I am" statement seems to shift every day in each moment, but over all it stays the same.  "I am that, I am" This is the name of God spoken by Moses and this is the best description anyone can use to identify with!  More specifically in this lifetime journey I am a male woman on the road to becoming fully female. We each have our own perspective on our Journey's and I would love to hear how others view me, not that it is any of my business.  I continue to be the best person I can be and to live the life of my dreams! 

The issue of money seems to be of great interest not only to me but to practically everyone I meet these days.  My personal issues around money seem to be coming to light here lately and while I know what feels right, how to preceed is not so clear.  Financial resources are required to do most anything in this society so in order for my "transition" to proceed physically I need to find more resources.  At the same time I feel my Spiritual Self is growing emensely and no matter how much cash I have I continue to grow.  My transition is to a point where I can tolerate having a penis, and shaving my face every other day so if I never do any thing more on my physical transformation I am happy.  I am a beautiful woman as can plainly be seen in my photos, so with that said.  Where to from here?  We shall see....

I have been sort of in a fog the last few days and just not feeling like things were moving forward.  Then I had the thought that "this feels like when I was in high school".  I had no idea what I was going to do or where my life was headed at that time, and what I did think would happen never did.  In fact, the career I ended up with had not even been invented yet and we are only talking 5 years till it was introduced.  I feel better now knowing that most likely what I will be doing 5 years from now is nothing like what I think it will be.  I am not even making plans any more.  Something wonderful is bound to come along and sweep me off my feet and down the road to enlightenment or some facsimile there of.  I really want to educate and counsel others, because this is what I enjoy and I feel like I am pretty good at it.  I even got to where I am without being brainwashed by the old guard.  My views are admittedly liberal, progressive and no longer middle of the road.  I am making a stand now, this is who I am, it feels right.  Take it or leave it. 

Could get lonely in here...although I always have God to keep me company. LOL

The whole purpose of transition to me is to be my natural self with no pretense or unnatural role play.  Reaching a place where I am comfortable with myself 100% of the time is the goal, and I would say that I am at 80%.  I do fluctuate some from masculine to feminine, but from what I understand that is normal for anyone.  My testis are a source of anxiety for me these days more than ever, and I am seriously considering orchiectomy, asap.  If my real estate where to sell tomorrow, then I would get the orchi next week.  The more I think about it, the more I am liking that idea.  I can always get SRS later when the funds for that come in.  Orchi surgery is only about 3k and they can do it as day surgery or short stay.  I would no longer have to take the anti-androgens drugs and the less drugs I take the better! 

My plans for transitioning are going right on schedule, so I am very pleased.  I do need to get some electrolysis and again funding is my only excuse there, because  I am ready to bite that bullet.  My body is actually quite feminine these days and that pleases me emensely.  I have very little facial hair and most of those are gray.  My body hair is non-existent or very soft and feminine, and my head hair is getting to be just the right length.  I have always dreamed of having long hair!  I got my nails done again today in a french manicure with clear lialac base.  I love the lavender shimmer they have.  So life is going on as planned and besides the big expensive items I am just where I need to be on my transition planning guide, living my natural life as who I am. 

The road to self actualization can be a long and arduous one. In my transition I have gone through many stages and fluctuations. At first the change was easy, I had been dreaming of being the woman I desired for most of my life. Coming out was a joyous time and I don’t remember being afraid, well maybe a bit concerned about being accepted by my family. I think they thought this was a phase even at 45, because at first they accepted me, this is how I know they Love me. It was only after they could see that I was not going back that they became distraught. My younger brother refuses to speak with me anymore and we were about as close as any two people can be. I miss our talks. My older brother, since we don’t see each other very often anyway is taking it in stride. He is the one who looked out after me when we were young and for this I am very grateful. Being treated like a boy when I was young shaped my personality and inner strength much differently than if I had been given a female body. Had I been born a female, I would have had that conditioning and thereby not be the same person I am today. I see that there is higher purpose to all things and events and I am grateful. 

What is the difference between a feminine gay man and transgender woman?  This can be an issue of semantics but I believe it goes deeper than that.  I know that many transgender women go through the phase of believing they are gay because they are attracted to men, but this is usually before they realize how much they enjoy crossdressing.  When they look back over their life they realize they had been more into womans clothing than even they thought.  The feminine gay man is not ready to give up the male priviledge or the sexual experience they have as a man.  The feminine gay man enjoys dressing as a woman but only temporarily, and often they make the perfect partner for a gay man who has bisexual tendencies.  Ultimately all relationships come down to balance of energy.  We attract the person who will best balance our energy and bring pleasure into our lives. If this is not our experience then there is an important message in that and we need to pay attention to what upsets us. These are things we need to work on, not our partner. 

The transgender woman enjoys living in a world of both.  They usually identify as a woman when feminine gay men do not.  They also feel natural with both breasts and a penis.  The can be attracted to men, women or a other transgender persons.  Wearing womans clothing is natural for them and they often have a combination of masculine and feminine traits to a degree that seems contrasting.  The feminine gay man is usually comfortable with themselves and act the way that is natural to them without concern for "how they appear". 

If a transgender woman is uncomfortable with their penis and cannot imagine themselves in male roles this puts them in the transsexual catagory.  Transsexuals desire to have their sexual parts changed to fit their gender identity.  The line here is not always clear, however over time it does become obvious.  It can also fluctuate at times too, where sometimes they are ok with their penis and at other times not.  These individuals need to progress cautiously and really get to know themselves.  Experiment sexually with both men and woman, dressing in both genders and be honest with their feelings. 

As much as I love my ex, I can see now that I am the one who really wanted to move on, and it is because I desire to be with a man.  I could probably get used to not having sex, but I owe it to myself to enjoy all aspects of human life.  Who knows maybe next lifetime I will come back as an extraterrestrial who discovers earth, lol.  The thought of sex with my penis makes me nauseous now, and while I can live with it being there, it is depressing. I can accept it if I am considered a feminine gay man or a transgender woman, but in reality I consider myself to be a transsexual woman.  Technically though I am a straight pre-op transgender woman, because I have yet to have the surgery. 

No I have no idea why I am so caught up in semantics, and I sure wish I could just be myself and not even think about it.  It hasn't happened yet. 

Here is a comment I received today that I would like to answer back, but the author chose to be anonymous.  The way I view this comment is that it is the voice of Ego (the seperate self) speaking. 

Question or Comment?: 1st: you are still a guy although u have boobs.
2nd:you are not a stranger in a strange land.
3rd: you dont know what it\'s like to be a stranger
4th:You will never know what it\'s like being a natural parent because of your choices.
5th:i hear a lotta selfpitty!
6th:posting a comment is impossible!

What is really happening when a person uses the word "you" to refer to someone else is they are really speaking of there own perspective of things, which is fine.  I know that those who knew me before my transition are having a difficult time with my changes and I respect that.  However no one can know truly what another is experiencing, they can only guess or think they know.  When I wrote that blog my hormone levels felt very high and I cannot understate the power of hormones on how we feel.  There are times when my "blood runs very hot" and I can only wonder if other women feel this same way? 

I believe I learned from my parents that having kids was a lot to handle so I never wanted children.  I am grateful given my current condition that I am not a natural parent.  Never once have I felt like a father to anyone or have I pretended to be one.  Lately I have felt what I call a motherly care for mankind.  I make a great housewife in my opinion, because I love it so, it feels so natural. 

Self pity is something that I have dealt with all my life, again something I learned.  Sometimes I get in that frame of mind and the thought of taking my own life is foremost in my thoughts.  We all have our ways of coping with life and that is one method (thinking not acting). 

It is very regretable to me that the comment feature is difficult to use, however there is little I can do about that.  Feel free to use the Question/Comment form on the homepage and please consider taking responsibility for the words you offer up.  Our journey is about spiritual growth ultimately, so be happy, we have come a long way!  I am very grateful you cared enough to voice your opinion!  Blessings, Sequoia Elisabeth

I stand at a crossroad and have been standing here now for quite sometime.  I can not see my purpose.  What I do know is that I am comfortable wearing these clothes, I love makeup - esp. Lipstick and I feel a strong yearning to care for others - to have a mate that I can care for.  I so wish I could bear children; my womb feels a longing to expand with life.  The erge to have a man fill me with his Love and share his seed is almost overwhelming.  And yet I have this growth between my legs,  aahhgg o.O  Please help me Holy Spirit.  Somehow I am a stranger in a strange land.  Is this the way other GG women feel?  Is this the way cys-gender woman feel? 

Where is my "place" in this world?  How am I to serve?  How am I to function in this world of Money is Everything?  I do not wish to be in this world of Money.  I feel stuck between two worlds.  Truly a Transition....

The score so far,

Physical Sex - Male

Brain Sex - Female

Gender Identity - Woman

Gender role - Woman

Sexual Orientation - Pansexual

What has changed?  Only my Gender role which is now appropriate to my GI, and BS.  Sexual Orientation is still a mystery really, I desire a man as any woman would and do not care how this man thinks of himself.  And yet I feel guilty wanting a man, especially as long as I have male plumbing.  Please help me release this false belief Holy Spirit!  The physical Sex is half changed, at least I have my breasts! 

This is a blog to my future self and to anyone who is growing up.  I have a granddaughter whom I Love very much and who is entering her teen years.  One thing will make all the years that follow easier and more fulfilling, simply be yourself!  I know how much pressure our kids are under from society to comform to "norms" and to be in the popular cliche.  She is a popular girl which worries me that much more.  One of the biggest achievements of my life in my mind is making it to be 21!  Now we sometimes celebrate being an adult with going out drinking and all that, but that is not the half of it.  Just learning how to handle yourself in an adult manner is not taught and often a difficult lesson to learn.  Dating is another area that has a right of passage so to speak, and as long as we simply be ourselves and not try to live up to anyone elses expectations all is well.  Take your time, and enjoy this stage of life!  It is when we try to be someone we are not that the problems develop.  The movies and TV offer us many ways we are supposed to be with teen idols and Miss Popularity who seem like they are getting all the love, when in fact they are often starving for it!  In the Bohemian tradition, simply Love and be Loved!!!  When the sexual side is developing society is sometimes not very accepting of these things and we feel bad about ourselves.  Experiment and discover what turns you on and celebrate that, honor that!  Don't be afraid of it.  Sex, Love and the body are natural things that are a part of us, so embrace them, but do not flaunt them, share them but only when you feel safe.  Talk to someone you trust preferably your parents or someone else's parents if you need advice in this area.  Adults are here to help you grow and when we trust, that trust is returned to us.  Love the way that comes natural to you, and as we discover ourselves, and honor that, we attract the appropriate partner.  Simply listen to your heart and Love without limits!  This is being yourself. 

Sharing my Vision of the near future

What is this Transgender journey anyway?  Do you think you have it figured out?  Please let me know, because I still wrestle with it.  Is it gender identity disorder or simply an Identity Crisis.  I thought for the longest time that what I was dealing with was simply an Identity Crisis, I kept asking - Who am I?  Now this went on for years and years, so I suppose I was not happy with the answer I was getting back.  The best answer I have heard to date is that 'I am not my body, but a Spiritual Being having a human experience!'  Still that falls short in my mind and more importantly, I feel in my soul that I am more than this.  What is a person to do?  Nothing I am afraid.  Picture an ant on a leaf floating in a river.  The river is very big like the amazon and it is flowing fast but no rapids at this point.  I have survived the rapids thank God.  Now I float in the delta with the ocean only a few years away.  I feel it approaching and yet all I can do is enjoy the view.  Is life a cruel joke?  Or is it a Blessed gift?  I have tried both on for size and the Blessed Gift fits best.  It definitely feels better!  So life goes on, what is around the next bend?  I look forward to it!  I know now that nothing but good exists. 

"Nothing real can be threatened

Nothing unreal exists.

Here in lies the Peace of God." ACIM

In a world based on money failure is not only inevitable, it is required.  It is based on conditions where you must have in order to have.  To me this seems like a world devoid of Love.  Unconditional Love only exists for those who are unconditional.  IF I have nothing then that is what I give and what I recieve.  The question then becomes, what do I have?  The verdict is still out on that question.  For now. 

The physical world must have conditons to exist though and thereby establishes that Love cannot exist in the physical world.  Any True Love we experience comes to us from far beyond, in a form we cannot hold or even see.  I am an oxymoron or is that a moron ox?  How does one experience Love in a physical world?  The version we have made up pales in comparison to the Truth.  She who wishes to live, must die!  He who wishes to die, must live, oh the absurdity of it all!  What lies next around the bend?  Do I really want to know? 

Fitting in and finding our path on this often confusing journey is a great challenge.  I find that staying true to my Spiritual commitments and following my gender path are the same thing.  How exactly I fit into society I am not sure, I do know that I am more than ever dedicated to living my ideals and not yielding to popular convention.  Don't get me wrong, I have no set way of going about this, only that I have certain ideals that are not negotionable.  Allow me to state them here so that we all know where we stand.

I am a Spiritual Being having a physical human experience. 

My life path is to inspire others while being true to myself

God is all there is, all else is illusion

It matters if I say it matters! And the SAME GOES FOR YOU ;-)

It matters if you say it matters.

I am not my body

I am so much more than a body, name or identity

When I die, life will go on...

These are the basics, so I will leave it at this for now. 

I just had the thought that what difference does it make what kind of car we drive?   Let me explain.  I view our bodies like a vehicle that carries our soul and so our bodies are much like a car.  They have parts, they can break down and they take us where we want to go.  So if you were born into a blue chevy pickup truck lets say and you "feel" like you belong in pink cadillac escalade then all you have to do is purchase a new car right?  It is almost that easy these days, but not quite.  The point I am making here is what is the big deal what kind of car you drive?  Are your parts working?  Are you going where you want to?  This is where things get crazy, because many of us are adamant that we need to be driving a different car, because we are not where we are supposed to be!  I am sure I can ramble on here about this point but I will not.  I will only say that I dream of a day when we can teleport where we are going no vehicle needed!  ;-)

Oh Lord, Make me an Instrument of your Peace!  I am happy to report that all is going very well.  I started a blog on the sister site to this website.  It is called Transitions Blog and covers topics related to transitions both gender transitions and others.  Most transitions are similar and we all go through them, and in fact they are an intergral part of life!  Birth itself is a transition, so we should be pretty good at by this time, lol.  Please check it out at http://blessedaware.wordpress.com/ .  I am attempting to write a blog every day and we will see how I do.  Please be easy on me if I miss a day.  My entries here will be fewer and will focus on my personal life and how that relates to my transition.  Blessings to you and good night ;-)

A quick thought I would like to share with my trans-friends.  I pray that you understand that we are on a Spiritual Journey and what we have been given is a Divine Gift!  I see more and more Transgender people in general that understand this.  It is so AWESOME to watch the world awaken to it's Divine heritage and I realize that I am a part of that.  I am blossoming into the Blessed person I am meant to be and it is glorious indeed! 

Here is a prayer that I like and even though I do not use this every night, I do believe this is what happens.  Each night that I lay down to sleep my mind drifts off and my conscious soul returns home to The Soul, so in effect I die every night when I go to sleep.  Of course there is that cord of Spirit connection that can awake you at a moments notice, but when we can let go of the mind and set a conscious thought a float on the sea of "our" thoughts then when we awaken the next day all is fresh and new with endless possibilities.  Here is a Prayer to say before you go to sleep, along with sharing your dreams with Universal mind as this brings it to conscious experience. 

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord, my soul to keep;
Guide and guard me through the night
and wake me with the morning's light