We all have soul and what I am feeling lately is that we are connected by our soul.  What if instead of each of us having a soul that is connected in some way, we share the same soul.  The one soul is God and we are each an individuation of that one Love.  Now I have a personal identity or ego(sometimes more than one), a spiritual self or higher self and our soul.  The Spiritual self is the part of us that connects to the soul and allows us to glimse the "other side".  This is the Joyous part of us, the part that knows all and shares all.  The ego side has no connection to anything, thrives on seperation and fears the "other side".  While I am not my body, it is an important tool to use.  Freedom is my nature and the whole concept of male and female seem foreign to me.  The very act of having to maintain a role in "society" as either male or female is becoming more of a chore for me.  I so desire to move beyond this limitation.  Can I not just be me?  Why do I have to conform to some standard thought up by God knows who?  No don't get me wrong, I am dressing as I please these days and my freedom level has gone way up!  I am so grateful for this!!!  My body has adjusted to where I think it should be.  I would prefer not having this white fuzz on my face that I have to shave every few days, but that is managable.  Still to be accepted in society as I am and not have to worry about my appearance would be nice.  I do understand that this begins with me and I am doing my best to just be natural.  The job search thing is what is really getting me.  I have no idea what people think of me and it would not matter if they would just hire me!  It might make it easier if I knew what the hesitation is.  I know something Great is coming and so I will be patient.  All good things in good time! (advice to myself)  It often feels like I am talking to myself anyway, LOL.  On some level I suppose I am.  Hey Sequoia, I Love you :-)

Oh, I LOVE YOU too dear reader ;-)

The miracle for this week (one of many) is that I made a prayer request at church on Sunday and set my intentions to have a job by the end of the week and yesterday that prayer was answered.  This is a new job for me and it is a bit scary in that it is a big challange.  I am in uncharted waters (at least I don't have the chart) and while it is exciting it is also terrifying.  No more ego, I know everything, but only a soft I will learn.  I step forward and surrender my soul trusting that the Highest and Best will manifest.  For this I am eternally grateful. 

On a different subject I got a video about a fat kid today and it really hit home.  I so relate to that fat kid.  Now at least I understand that being fat is like an emotional cushion to the world of judgement we face everyday.  I also know that only I can judge myself and in the end all is forgiven.  In other words, all is well that ends well.  Being overly sensitive is both a gift and a curse, and is a common trait of those overweight.  I suppose there are other coping behaviors such as Obsessive Compulsive, Addictions, Denial and Projection.  Those with hightened awareness need to understand this world of illusion, pain and conflict so that they can navigate safely.  Sometimes I wonder if my boat did not sink a long time ago the first time I realized that this is a male body.  It is sort of like the world we live in, it is a male world, but the spirit within the world is female and is aching to get out and express it's beauty.  The male dominated society is killing mother earth and if we don't change all will be lost.  Life on earth will shift drastically and humans will not be in the recovery plan.  I am dying a slow death....  It is sort of like knowing you will win the lottery, but not when.  Winning is losing

As much as I know this journey of transition is a gift and that I am Blessed, the experience does not always feel that way.  Pain is a part of life, suffering is optional!  I choose Health, Wealth and Happiness!  Holy Spirit I ask for your help in this task; please give me the courage to change the things I can and to accept the ones I cannot.  In the next entry I will discuss this weeks miracle, right now I just want to go to sleep.  ;-)

Well this is a little late this time as I had a laser hair removal treatment on Thursday July 16th but forgot to blog it.  Well all went as planned and I think I am coming to the end of my laser treatments.  I am only getting my face done, because the rest of my body really has little hair with the meds I am taking.  Between the Fincar and the Estraderm my body is almost hair free.  I do have the natural small soft white hairs as any woman has which is good for a natural look.  My face is getting better too.  I will still need some electrolysis, but for now I am focusing on a job.  I am feeling great and looking good too.  Breast development is all I expected and more!!  I wear a size 44C bra which is one size smaller than my mom.  I have a small belly and even that is going away.  I don't think I have been healthier in my entire life!  My physical strength is a bit less as my muscles shift to a more feminine shape and structure.  I have always been a bit feminine anyway in my opinion, so this change is very natural for me.  My voice is getting easier to maintain as feminine.  I continue to work on my resonance to get the female overtones that make a voice natural.  All is well as I continue to put in applications for work.  I am sure I will get something this week.  ;-)

Let me just share my thoughts on choice.  I use this word a lot and would like to explain further how I see life.  Then I will touch on something I see far too often in the GLBT community and society at large, which is people being offended. 

We all have choices to make in every moment of our lifes, we could smile or not, we can be happy or sad, pleasant or ugly, sit or stand, agressive or passive, etc.  The level to which this is taken is what most people will differ on.   Is it a choice to be fat, tall, attractive, male, female, and a host of other physical features?  I say yes.  We have chosen everything in our lives, either consciously or unconsciously.  If it is before me then I am responsible and I know it has a purpose.  How we think about ourselves determines our experience and the image we portray to others.  Perception is a personal thing so if a person sees you as beautiful it is because you see yourself that way.  This may not make sense until you understand that life happens inside out!  It is called the reflection principle and basically means that we all create our lives through our thoughts, words and actions.  What you see in the world is a reflection of who you are.    The nature of the world is infinite possibility, so anythying is possible and it is only up to you to choose what you see.  And ultimately what you experience.  Remember everything happens for a reason and if you don't like it, simply choose again.  The more you practice this the easier it gets.  If something is confusing you, making your life hard, or against your apparent will then it is because this is coming from outside your field of awareness.  This is ok, keep asking questions and listening for answers.  As your awareness rises so will your understanding, clarity, patience, peace, harmony and love. 

Now let me take this to those who choose to be offended if someone refers to them with the "wrong" pronoun, name or tone of voice.  How we take this is up to us!  If we perceive attack, then we are right and we must defend ourselves.  On the other hand if we perceive mis-understanding or confusion then it is easy to forgive and move on.  What I understand is that everyone is operating with different information and to get upset because they are not understanding as I do is begging an argument.  What if I always assumed the best?  What if I simply let that which I preceive as error go and choose to experience the truth instead.  What is the truth you ask?  It is simply that Love/Peace/Joy is always present and I can see this by looking for it.  What often happens is that a person feels bad about themselves(whether they realize it or not) and projects this to the world and it comes back to them in the form of "attack", misfortune, or the like.  So if someone says something to you that you don't like you can tell them so or simply understand where they are coming from(what info they have to use) and forgive them on the spot.  I will tell people that I prefer to be refered to by my name or her or she if I feel it is appropriate.  I also will introduce myself with my name so they know what I want to be called.  I go by Sequoia or Sequoia Elisabeth and it is that simple.  I stay away from personal pronouns if possible and use names whenever I can.  This make everyones life easier. 

This is my first blog from my new home in the Denver area.  I must say it is so good to be in an area that has so much support.  Everywhere I turn there are loving people to meet.   My dear friends I am staying with are the most amazing people I know.  They have opened there hearts to me and made me a member of their family which I do not take lightly, in fact I am extremely honored!  Life is full of blessings and all we need do is open our eyes and our hearts.  It is hard leaving those I love back in TN, but I also know that this is for the Highest Good.  A tear here and there help to ease the illusion of loss.  I know this is not easy for my family.  Like dad used to say, "pain builds character".  So we will all be quite the "characters", LOL. 

The support groups I have found here are just what I was looking for and I am going to stay busy between the three groups I have found already.  I will write more about this later when I have explored some more. 

Thank you for Loving me!!!

Today I went and had my hair styled with bangs.  I love my new look, because it is easy to maintain and feminine.  Jaime is the lady who performed this miracle on me today and I must say she is a real lady too.  Her style and grace light up a room.  The way she so gently crafts hair all the while chatting on any subject makes her a master at her trade.  She is a tribute to all TG's everywhere, because if you didn't know she is TG then you would never know it.  Blessings to you dear Jaime on your journey and thank you for the inspiration today (and the hair style).  Below is a pic of her handi work. 

       Pictures taken today, June 29, 2009

Today I have been thinking about my efforts to fit in.  I have made honest efforts in making friends in the GLBT community here in Knoxville without much result.  Come to think of it this is par for the course, with the same results in the MRI, science, or garden communities as well.  The one area where I do have friends is in the Spiritual community.  Now I do treasure my friends online who cover all walks of life.  People who I have meet over the last 15yrs or so.  I have managed to make a few friends at JTV where I work for the next week.  This leads me to my next new adventure.  I fly to Denver on July 1st to start my life over.  I am taking two suit cases only and will be focused on my spiritual path.  How can I serve humanity?  How can I use this Transgendered gift God has given me?  Where do I fit in the puzzle we call life?  I have long known that when I lay me down to sleep, I die to the world only to be reborn when I awake!  What you go in with does influence what you awaken with.  I experience something new each time I awaken.  Sometimes things are very different when I awaken, and sometimes not.  It is fun to observe the shifts in consciousness as I become more and more aware.  God I do Love Life.  May it fulfill our lives with endless bounties of Joy, Love and Peace! 

I have an appt. with my psychologist this week for the first time in about 3months so I am excited to talk with him.  We will discuss my progress and hopefully discuss SRS and his suggestions on where to go and what to do and not to do.  I am planning on having laser done again on my upper lip before I leave Knoxville, which should do it for me for at least 3 months, maybe longer.  I have had 5-6 treatments so far and my face is looking great.  I so recommend laser!  It works great and is way easier and cheaper than electrolysis.  I pray they perfect the technique to work on the gray hairs, but maybe some other method will be developed for that.  I am hopeful. 

Crossroads appear in our lives from time to time and I have one right up ahead.  I am torn by the Love I feel for my ex, her family and her new husband, and the need to start new with fresh ideas and opportunities.  It seems the time for me to move on is rapidly approaching.  I have a good job and could possibily get on full time here soon, but as of yet I only work about 25hrs a week.  I can leave that job at the end of the month and I will have been there for 3mos.  A good friend has offered to let me stay with her in the Denver area and I can get a job there and see where things take me.  The ministry life is drawing me more and more so all I need do is be open to being the instrument of peace I know that I am.  Service is the thing I desire to do.  How best can I serve mankind?  I know the perfect job and relationship are waiting on me, so I will step out into the field of possibilities and swim to my destiny. 

I still feel a little uneasy with my voice.  I know it is slowly improving in fem tones and resonance.  On the phone I hear "Ma'am" about 75% of the time, unless I am very tired.  My goal is to hear it 90+ % of the time.  In person, I am accepted most everywhere as the woman I am.  I am still amazed at how friendly and loving people can be.  Nothing is taken for granted.  Maybe in a few months or more I will be ready to actually consider romance.  Still not ready at this time though.  I feel intense Love very often these days as our Lord embraces me...

 For all my Trans Friends who read this Blog.  This is great advice to make the transition easier.  I always have what I need and this came to me just when I needed a reminder to help me stay on path. 

Suggestions on Coming out Trans

1. Be prepared for shock and disbelief, especially from those closest to you.  Think of how shocked you'd have been to learn of something like this about someone you thought you knew very well.
2. Some will feel angry and betrayed and may judge you harshly.  Try to meet their anger with compassionate understanding.  Remember that they may be fearful of ‘losing’ someone of great importance in their lives.  Recognize that your transition may cause pain and hardship.  Acknowledge this pain and avoid being defensive. 
3. Try to resist reacting with anger, as this will only make things worse.  Others are justified in feeling angry about your transition, just as you are justified in feeling the need to transition.
4. At times you may feel euphoric about your self-discovery.  Caution against assuming others are feeling the same way about you.
5. Expect skepticism with regard to the necessity of transitioning.  This is a natural reaction - treat it with patience.  These days, most people understand that being gay is not a matter of choice and being closeted is not healthy, so it may help to compare the need for gender transition with the need to accept one’s sexual orientation(they are not the same thing).  Treat efforts to “dissuade” you with good humor and respect.
6. Be prepared for suggestions that your transition is a selfish choice.  If you feel you had no other choice, don’t be afraid to say so.  Ultimately, only you are qualified to judge this. (We are all one, so what is best for you is also best for everyone else; even if they do not see it that way)
7. Your transition will be bewildering to many, who will look to you to help sort out their feelings.  If you maintain a positive, good-humored attitude about your transition, others are more likely to respond in kind. Be positive about how you expect your transition to affect your life.
8. For many, adjusting to your transition will take some time.  Keep in mind that you have spent much of your life dealing with these issues, while most others have given them little thought.  For those who are disturbed by your transition, taking your time may help more than anything else you could do.
9.  Feel free to offer information about being trans, but don’t assume that it’s welcome.  Make clear that you welcome questions and are happy to discuss your transition.  Many are full of questions, may even be fascinated, but are reticent about prying.  When explaining trans, do it with grace and sensitivity - don’t lecture or pontificate.
10. As a transperson, you probably have thought more about what “gender” means than most folks.  Many will learn a thing or two about themselves when you share your experience with them.  Remember to be interested in their growth around your transition, just as you want them to be interested in yours.
11. The type of relationship you establish before you come out will likely have a big effect on how your coming out is received.
12. Some of your family and friends may celebrate your courage, rejoice in your finding yourself, and congratulate you on your breakthrough.  Don’t forget to show them how much their support means to you.

By a Dear Friend

GLBTQ is a very broad class of people and I have been wondering lately how Transgender (Gender Identity) got added to GLBQ (Sexual Identity)?  For those who do not know, Gay, Lesbian, Bi, Queer are the full labels that go with the initials.  Every person has both a gender identity and a sexual identity, so to combine them makes no sense to me.  These identities are personal as well, so you may meet a man who is every effeminate and assume he is gay, but is that fair?  He may be straight or whatever and what does it really matter?  The funny part is that the ones who are the most prejudice are the very people who are the target.  It is like a self fulfilling prophecy created out of guilt or fear.  We all use labels and that is OK to help further communication.  If you don't want to be labeled by others then it is best to label yourself!  Come OUT and tell your friends and family that you are what ever it is you choose to label yourself.  Let go of the fear of judgment by not judging yourself.  Personally I am just happy to be wearing woman’s clothing.  The thought of dressing as a man makes me nauseous.  Of course this is totally separate from my sexual preference which at this time remains undecided.  I think realistically that most if not all Transgender persons are Bi-sexual, but again that is a personal decision to call yourself what you will.  The point I am making here is just that gender identity and sexual identity are very different and should not be confused!  For the record, I am straight at this time, because when I was presenting as a man I had relations with women.  I have never had relations presenting as a woman so as I said the jury is still out on that one.  Lately I am attracted to the individual and not their sex.  I think this is a good thing as I am seeing the person and not the package.  Love should be something we share with everyone and sex should be something we reserve for those select few who touch our souls in a mutual way (without limits in any form).  Another way of thinking of sex is physical love.  Procreation is another matter all together, which personally I have never been interested in sense the world has a vast abundance of people already.  Sex can be both the most spiritually inspired connection of two souls, or it can be physical gratification, or both.  Neither is wrong and both can be very fulfilling. 

A man leans over and says, “Excuse me Ma’am, Your Vagina is showing.” And I say “What?”, so I look down and the bulge in my dress is very obvious and I think to myself oh my goodness how weird this feels to have my sexual parts on the outside!  So I say to him “Thanks for noticing” and as I turn around I awaken to a loud noise in the other room….

This day dream illustrates the M to F transgender condition for those of you who wonder.   In SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) the doctors take the penis and turn it outside in to make the vagina.  There is a detail description on the website links page.  I really did have this image come to me and it made a deep impact.  I pray that soon I will be having my turn at the knife and will be able to free myself of the bonds of this physical testosterone factory between my legs.  This surgery is not the cure for my condition but it is a step in the direction of balance.  It is simply a feeling, but it has been with me to some degree all my life, “this bulge between my legs needs to go”.  I continue to visualize my new vagina and life without male parts!  I am already feeling wonderful being able to dress as I please!  I am so close and yet so far.

This past weekend has been a slow one with not much going on.  Money is tight right now, so my typical activity for entertainment is watching a movie on TV or playing on SecondLife.  I am also doing a lot of sleeping lately.  My level of Peace is wonderful.  A cute kitten found us this weekend so we now have a new member to the family.  My life seems a lot like his, eat, play, sleep.  I guess this is the good life ;-)  Having Juanita and John to share my life with makes it all that much better also.  I am grateful to have them in my life.  Romance seems a distant reality for others to me right now.  If the right person were to show up right now, I am not sure I would be ready to act on it.  With my current physical condition(pre-op), sex does not seem possible or appealing.  Physical affection, cuddling, and closeness on the other hand does appeal to me.  Not that I need that, but I am sure it would help my mood right now.  It is a blessing to not have distractions in my life right now.  I can focus on the inner journey and deepening my connection to Spirit.  On a side note, I saw a program about the tallest woman in the world this weekend and she put a whole new perspective on my transition.  She is a beautiful person and her voice is lower than most men, so that made me feel a little more comfortable with my voice.  It is so silly the things we think about sometimes.  I know that I am a beautiful and loving person, what else matters?

This journey is bringing me face to face with my own prejudices.  By shining the light of awareness upon them they quickly vanish as the darkness does at dawn.  The prejudices I speak of are concerning men and women stereotyped roles.  The roles we were taught long ago in a different age.  Each time I have a thought of women do this or men are supposed to be this way, I am bringing the past into the present and making it true!  Is this what I truly want?  Do I want the segregated society of men bring home the "bacon" and women are homemakers?  Am I really a weak woman who does her chores to make her man happy?  Am I a woman that caters to all others needs and ignores her own?  Is any woman? 

I think not.  I am a woman that is free to be me which is transgendered, balanced, and gifted in so many ways.  I need not "throw the baby out with the bathwater" so to speak.  Since I am 6'11" and a giant woman by most standards I am simply living up to my training.  I was raised as a man, so the process of letting that identity go is well underway, but I now realize that I need to review my "ways" and keep that which serves me and embrace that which has not change as yet.  One of the habits I have learned is eating quickly and later burping a lot.  Not very lady like by most definitions, but it is a part of me that I acknowledge and embrace.  My body is far from petite but I can be very feminine just like a tree or a mountain is feminine.  In many ways the ocean is feminine and what is larger than the ocean?  Size matters not!  Since my lungs are large the sound echoes quite a bit making my voice lower than average for a woman, but not for a woman of my size.  The resonant temper of my voice is feminine when I am conscious of it, but sometimes slips back to old habits if I am excited or not paying attention.  I hear it takes a few years to move past this habit.  I can remember being taught to lower my voice and sound more masculine and project my voice with force, hmmm.  Something I wish I had not learned so well.  Projecting the voice to be heard is a good thing, and this I will keep.  This is what re-creating ourselves is all about anyway.  Keeping that which serves us and letting go the rest!  I am not sure how it serves me to be transgender but I do know that this is the path I choose long before I was born.  I know this to be a gift of insight that I would otherwise not enjoy.  I see both male and female and know that I am neither and both.  If the choice to check "other" instead of "male or female" existed on forms that is the one I would choose.  At the risk of sounding prejudice, I am happy to be me and accept me as I am.  I expecting nothing in particular other than humble greatness, or something I call humanness.  I see women as equal to men in a opposite sort of way, for instance weakness is our greatest strength.  Softness and passivity give us the ability to bend and not break.  Sensitivity and intuition are natural gifts that both men and women posses but most men cannot afford to develop in the harsh world they live in.  We are the way we are for a reason, guided and shaped by the environment we place ourselves in.  Let us all embrace this and see it for what it is, a gift!

This week has been rough.  I seem to have gotten "the crud" and am sleeping a lot, and little things seem to be bothering me, silly mistakes and such.  I really want to go to the support group meeting tonight but don't feel like it.  I so miss having someone to share my thoughts and feelings with.  Oh well, I will cry - it always seems to make me feel better. 

Gratitude seems to be a constant theme with this blog, but it is appropriate.  It feels so good to be living my life; the one I came here to experience.  All my prayers are answered!  I step forward with Love in my heart to share with all whom I meet.  Each day we create ourselves a new.  We wake up and look ourselves in the mirror and say "I Love You"!  Our lives reflect that thought - just look around.  Loving what you see in the mirror is the doorway to happiness.  Our lives are far more magical than most of us give credit for.  I am far more wealthy today than I have ever been.  I may not know what it is like to be a man or a woman, but I do know what it is like to be myself.  This is each of our purposes in this world to simply be ourselves.  By opening to Holy Spirit's guidance the rest is easy! 

Holy Spirit, make me an instrument of your Peace.