12-09-2010 12:55:21 PM PST
The lastest career news is that I am applying to Clinical Pastoral Education Programs. I graduate in Feb. 2011 with a Masters in Adult Education and Training degree from University of Phoenix. The next step is to get specific training in a career field of my choice. I would like to take classes with Out & Equal in diversity training, however I cannot spare the money right now. The next step is to find a source of income for the next 9 months till the program starts. The program I am applying with is here in Oakland, however I will be applying at other programs also across the country. There is a program in Little Rock Arkansas, and one in Tampa FL. My bills are all paid till Feb. '11 so I have some time to figure this out. If anyone has any ideas for legitimate work, I am interested in hearing your feedback. The ministry will continue to be a priority in my life, so I hope that you continue to check back and read the Transitions Blog and share with your friends. I am also offering Transition coaching for anyone contemplating a major change. Please see the link on the tab to the left. Thank you for your Loving thoughts and support! I can feel the Love and it is my sincere hope that you feel the Love visiting this website. Blessings on your Journey of Love.
Btw, I still intend on having SRS or at least Orchiectomy before this program starts in August. It is Done, it is done, it is done! :-D
12-04-2010 2:04:34 PM PST
Feeling better. The clinic took good care of me last Tues. They had to re-collect blood for one of the tests they ran last week. While I was there they tested for Strep and it was positive, so they gave me some antibiotics. The yeast infection cleared up too. So I am doing good. Tiffany set it up so I got a bag of food and a ten ride bus pass, so I am all set. I love how life supports me! I always have what I need ;-)
Money came in the mail last Thursday and I am selling my old laptop on Ebay, so more money is coming this week. The loan money should be here by Friday. Life is good and getting better! I have a plan in the works for my career which the TEEI is helping me with. Thank God for non-profits and charity work.
Love is in the air!
11-27-2010 10:41:54 PM PST
It has been a week now and I am feeling good emotionally. Physically I am healing from a sore throat and slight ear ache. I have had this before and in fact it seems I get them every year at Thanksgiving time. I know this sounds strange, but it is psychosomatic or something. Nothing is swollen and my throat is only slightly red. I sure wish it would go away! The other area of concern is my external vagina. I have a yeast infection, however I mentioned it to the PA at the clinic and she told me to get a cream to put on it. I could not find what she told me to get so I purchased Vagisil which is doing a great job. I have been really tired lately too, so I will turn in early again tonight. Yesterday I had my nails done in a garnet red that is a lot brighter than I expected it to be. The guy who did them this time got the shape perfect (rounded square), so I hope to get him again. On Tuesday I go in and get the results of my blood tests and get prescriptions for hormones. As soon as my loan money makes it into my account I will get them filled. I have enough to last till friday, so I think it will work out perfectly.
11-22-2010 11:22:35 PM PST
Life is a gift and sometimes events are unavoidable. What I experienced this weekend was supposed to happen, this I know, I accept that I created it. And now for the ramifications. The ripples shifted his life more than it has mine. Apparently he got into an argument with his wife when he got home. It seems he was not completely honest with her or me. I was told he was separated from his wife and that they had a non-relationship and he may have, I don't know. Needless to say she did not know about me, and now she does at least to some degree. He as a three year old son and he tells me he is not going to see me anymore so that he can give his son the family he needs. My bubble of happiness was just popped! Don't ask me what I was thinking, I am not sure myself. I did confirm my belief that sex with a man is dynamite. I suppose that is the nature of sex, it is dynamic and explosive. I have had it both ways now. Both were fantastic. I simply feel more natural in the woman's role. I will continue to label myself as Pansexual, and focus on Love. The one thing I am reminded of is that I have given my life to Holy Spirit and I am now an instrument of Peace. I sense that this needed to happen for both of us and that good changes will be the end result. I will also continue to follow my heart and know that some of my experiences will bring tears. To me this is the Joy of life and the Journey of Love. In an effort to feel better and raise my energy I took a walk this afternoon and took photos of nature and the sunset. It worked really well. Nature has a way of healing that I just love.
11-21-2010 10:40:40 AM MST
WOW, I simply must share the evening I had yesterday. My date went far beyond my fondest dreams and I lost my virginity. I have waited all my life for that evening! And now it will honor my memories the rest of my days. I feel like a college girl ( as if I knew what that felt like). I suppose this is my senior year since I am graduating in under three months. I can not help but wonder if my life would have been this great if I had transitioned when I first considered it back in 1979. Somehow I doubt it; I was not ready. I knew the evening was going to be great when I jumped in the car (It was pouring rain) and he greeted me with a dozen roses and a big hug. Thank you for the roses!!!
So where to from here? I have no idea, well maybe some idea. I can see a few months ahead now and really am not concerned with a year or 5 years from now. I am living joyously and that is all that matters. I look forward to having surgery and now I can comfortably say that an Orchiectomy is all I desire. I think that at this stage of the game, it is all that I need. One thing that was confirmed last night is that when events are ordained (you have created them in higher realms) then they flow like butter on hotcakes. I am so glad I have learned to listen to my higher self/ soul self.
11-13-2010 11:55:42 PM MST
My number one goal at this stage of my life is to have my testicles removed! If you only knew how many times I have thought of doing it myself. At 49 I have been very patient about this, in fact a little too patient. This is something I should of done years ago. I don't feel like a man or a woman right now. All I can think about lately is having the surgery. I would prefer to have complete SRS, but frankly right now an Orchiectomy is perfectly fine. Again, I prefer an inguinal procedure so as to get the entire seminal vessicle. I need the entire reproductive system removed, the sooner the better! I am going to a clinic on Monday to see what my options are at this point. The foundation grant I applied for is still in limbo, so I have no idea if they are going to fund the surgery or not. As far as I know the surgery with Dr Bowers is still scheduled for next June. I need to come up with the money at least 30 days in advance, sooner would be a plus. It is only lately that I am having these feelings of urgency with the surgery. The urgency seems to be growing. I also seem to be more sensitive to temperatures which I am attributing to the humidity here in the bay area. It may also be that my testosterone level is too high, however I have been taking my meds as directed and I dare not take any more Spiro, 100mg BID is plenty for my system. The other thing that could help is increasing my estrogen from 4mg to 5mg. I will see what the clinic says on Monday and go from there. I pray that I can have the surgery as soon as possible. Next week would work fine with me!
11-09-2010 10:55:29 AM MST
I just had an insight. My friend Kriss whom I have lived with for the past 15mos. is the only cisgender person to ever understand me, as far as I know. What is significant is that I think we have been friends for several lifetimes. If I was living in say the 1700's up till the past 50 years or something, I would be considered gay. Simple as that, but we have discovered that it is not that simple. To me it is both and I have known this for many years, I am a gay woman, not lesbian. If I need a label that works as well as any! Transgender and Transsexual work too, LOL. Thank you Kriss for loving me enough to understand.
11-09-2010 10:43:13 AM MST
Hello again ;-) I suppose I am journaling less instead of more, lol. The good news is that I finished the eBook, Sex and Sexuality and it is posted on the website. The idea of selling it on Amazon has proven to be a bigger challenge than I expected. The formatting for the kindle is complicated even though it is a very simplistic format of plain text. I am not even sure if any of the photos will display. They are supposed to. All is in B&W for the kindle too, so if you are thinking of buying the eBook I recommend the PDF version I offer on the website. The Kindle version will be cheaper, at $9.98, although IMHO the PDF version is a better value. I plan on posting the eBook on other book sellers as well. The PDF version remains at $14.95. The other project I have been working on is my Master’s thesis and that is going slow. I have 6 days to get the first 4 of 5 chapters finished. I will have it done.
The main thing I would like to talk about today is my feelings. My feelings are vacillating from masculine to feminine and have been in the masculine zone far more than I prefer lately. Contemplating this...I must need to take action for it is the masculine energy that gives us energy to do the things we need to get done...this is a good thought so I will leave it at that. The feeling of being alone is not a problem, I am not lonely, but I do crave physical affection and at the same time I feel afraid of being intimate with a man...or even a woman right now. I remember being in this phase or state six years ago and coming to the conclusion that I need to be with another transsexual or transgender person. They are the only ones who understand me, as much as my cisgender friends want to and try, they just don't get it. I am not sure I get it all the time. I am grateful for the times of inspiration that I have been having fairly frequently now. I believe that it is the connection we all seek with Great Spirit.
Wow, This has helped me already. I am feeling better. This blog is overdue and I know that. Getting it out feels like a relief. I just had the thought that I could be homophobic...which to me is the fear of loving the self. For a transgender person all relationships are homosexual to some degree, and can also be heterosexual, so it is like having your cake and eating too! It does explain why I seem to end up in isolation and why I seem to fall for the guys who are so far away! I am deeply attracted to my dear friend in Yellowknife NWT, but he is so far away! I think if he asked me to move up there I would, however that is not practical. The other aspect is that when you become a part of someone’s life, their entire life changes, so they have to be willing to integrate you into their life. Which means meeting the parents and family, etc. Even on the roommate with perks level this is true. My friend Cecil who says he wants me has yet to make it happen. I did my part which is move to the bay area. He is not here. It look likes another month before we can meet and frankly I think this relationship is going nowhere fast. If it happens, I am open, but he will have to come to me, as I am moving on. Catch me if you can ;-) Not that I am actively looking for an intimate relationship. Again I have chosen to live in a place where that is not possible. If I am intimate with anyone it would have to be on their turf. This little room and single bed just would not work for the passion I have stored up.
The irony of this is that the last time I was even near a man was with my roommate at that time about 10 years ago. It was on Catch 22 beach in Mexico, one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. We slept side by side on a blanket in the sand next to the waves and he awoke to a scorpion crawling on his pillow! LOL I miss him, although he never knew how I felt.
10-24-2010 12:14:34 AM MST
Here I sit in my new place. The room I am renting is in a lovely suburban home in Fremont, CA. The house has all the luxuries and then some! They even have a Hot Tub. The bus runs on the street I can see from my window, so the walk to the bus stop is fairly short. It is wonderful to be back in the bay area! I know this was a good move. My feelings of being alone are present even though I know they are illusion. I miss Juanita, Angelica and family,… I even miss John and his cute comments, plus all my friends in the Denver area. For some reason I seem to be living in the past, it almost seems like I have time traveled, except the technology is modern. It is hard to explain; maybe this is just California, old fashioned and high tech, lol.
I surrender, trust and I am grateful. What the world has for me I will soon find out, the next priority is getting the eBook published and keeping up with school. I have a survey I am putting together in order to get the statistics I will need for the Action Research Project I must complete to graduate. The plan is in my head, now it is just a matter of getting all the pieces in place. Goodbye for now. I have a feeling I will be journaling a little more now that I am in CA.
10-10-2010 1:19:05 AM MST
Five days to go before I leave for CA. I am really looking forward to this because I feel like something great is going to happen there. I am not sure what it is, but I know that I have been waiting all my life for this experience. I will miss my friends I have made here in Denver, but now that we have the internet, and jet travel I am not really that far away. The new eBook I will be releasing soon is going to take off and be very popular. I plan on connecting with many people and benefiting them all. The one thing I know for sure, I can handle all the gifts and opportunities I am offered. I am indeed Blessed. ;-)
09-19-2010 7:38:12 PM MST
The big news in my life is I am moving to Hayward CA and more importantly I have a new love. His name is Cecil and I met him on the website, OkCupid.com. We have been getting to know each other since my birthday June 24th. The more I talk to him the deeper my attraction. I am sure the attraction was physical at first, especially with him, although now I am realizing that we have so much more to share. It has been three long years since I have been active in a sexual way and my body craves this! The good news is that I am very picky and will not be with just anyone. I am very selective and let my soul choose the right one. I know this is in my highest and best good, because I have let go and let God! He is a very spiritual man who is hard working and deeply Loving. Perfect for me! I cannot describe the Joy that lifts my cloud. My heart is filled with this Joy every day!
I have not chosen the exact day, but the move will happen mid-October. Instead of traveling light, I will be going by car with a friend and carrying all my belongings in more than a few suitcases as I had when I arrived in Wheat Ridge, CO. I have learn much since being here and my gratitude runs deep! I have learned Love, abundance, acceptance, and discovered a whole new world. The world of LGBTQ was unknown to me before for the most part, at least from the inside. My time at the Gender Identity Center has been a life saver! I have seen countless lifes saved since I join a year ago. To be a part of this miracle has truly been a dream come true. These are experiences that I will remember the rest of my life. I am sure I will be discussing this more in the weeks ahead. I will close this journal with a KISS, which is blown to you my dearest Cecil. ;-)
09-07-2010 12:13:39 PM MST
"I know you already know this, but the only way one can find their way is to first be lost. To make it big, start out small. To fall in love, first feel none. Yet, when such wishes are granted and the dreamers suddenly find themselves lost, small, and alone, you should hear the "expletives"!
So, look at it like this: Any such feelings are simply a sign that you've made a really, really big and daring "wish," and that its manifestation has already begun.
Foxy, clever, wry -
Reflect on this for a minute. I think about this often and this is one of the reasons I left the medical field. My role there was meaningless, at least to me. I hope that I touched others in a positive way and I still hope that I am a positive influence on everyone I meet.
Are you being honest with yourself? I am being as authentic as I can these days, living life from my point of view. Am I a woman who was placed in a mans body...? That just seems hard to swallow to me. I am who I am. I feel like so much more than just a woman or a man. I am a Human ...Being? My greatest desire is just to be. If the question is "to be or not to be", my answer is BE. I let go of any labels I have given myself, and accept none from others. I will continue to dress the way I do (feminine) and I will continue to Love the one I am with. This is who I am, LOVE. This expression of Love called Sequoia Elisabeth Carpenter will not be around that much longer, but I can assure you that Love is going no where. Love is the essence of life, it cannot be lost, taken away, or vanish. Love is eternal!
What else matters? Does living matter? Does doing "good" things really matter? I have never wanted to make a difference, or change the world, or even matter! So why does this world push and push and push toward these lofty goals? These goals that do not even exist!
09-03-2010 5:33:48 PM MST
A milestone was reached today. I went to my doctor and she gave me a letter verifying my treatment and physical presentation as a woman. I sent my passport off with the proper forms and photos this afternoon. In about a month I will get my passport back with a "F" for female as the gender marker. (I already have this changed on my drivers license) I am so happy about this that I had to write something here about it. I am still on track to have surgery next year also, at which time every part of my body will be female. Right now my body is as female as it can get without surgery or a miracle. I am still hoping for a miracle where I wake up in the morning with my sexual organs inside me where they belong and my vagina properly formed. Either way I will wake up soon this way. I am all woman!
08-29-2010 8:53:04 AM MST
"Tranny Chasers" are people who are sexually attracted to transgendered people. Synonyms include transfans or tranny chaser, trans catcher, and tranny hawk. Many members of the transgender community (particularly in the MTF population) use "tranny chaser" in a pejorative sense, because they consider it a fetish-like attraction to the penis of a pre-operative or non-operative transwoman. Although many western transwomen think that transfans are only after pre-ops for quick sexual relationship, there are also a high number of individuals who have a strong attraction towards post-op transsexuals & pre-op transsexuals who are aiming for sex reassignment surgery. Those people can probably be best described as pansexuals. They are generally looking for a serious relationship with a transsexual woman, this is not just a simple fetish for them. Source, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transfan .
I am a transsexual woman who is not interested in sex as a male, most transsexuals are not. Women want to be penetrated by their partner, and men want to do the penetrating. Bisexuals, I prefer the term Pansexuals, enjoy both. Please see the TransTerminology page on this website under Gender Learning Center. It is possible to "penetrate" a woman without actually having intercourse. I refrain from describing this here since this is a PG rated website, at least in my mind it is. Sex needs to be discussed so that everyone is on the same page and so that it is understood that sex is something to be celebrated, not hidden. It is also only one fraction of the total package of who we are. To me Love is far more important, sex is simply one way to express Love. Physical contact and affection are important to the mental health of human beings. We want and need to touch each other. This can be sexual or not, either way it triggers endorphines that give the feelings of pleasure, contentment, and Love.
I DESIRE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A TRANSFAN WHO CAN BEST BE DESCRIBED AS PANSEXUAL.
08-23-2010 1:47:48 PM MST
Everything is going as planned! Life is Good, and VERY GOOD. Money is appearing when I need it and even before sometimes. I have met a lovely man and we are "dating" by phone now, getting to know each other and planning our first meeting. He is going to fly out and spend a long weekend with me. I am so excited about this! I see beautiful things happening for us and a future together of Joy and fulfillment. The thought of having someone hold me and love me as I have dreamed about for so long...it is hard to put my feelings in words. Love is all I need say. My experience of Love is not the same as yours maybe, but it certainly is fantastic in my view point! I have always been the caring, cuddling type person and now I can do it from the perspective that feels best to me. My size is no longer an issue, and my body is very feminine now which feels so "right" to me. I love being the woman and all that it entails. Thank you Lord for making me just the way I am. :-)
08-16-2010 10:49:15 PM MST
Been watching the "Dead like me" series on Hulu. It has me thinking about life and laughing at myself. At times I can see the veils that have pulled over our eyes and at other times, I can see nothing. My life has deep meaning on one side of the coin and none at all on the other. I would toss the coin to see what pops up, but I know that what ever will be will be so it really does not matter. The sun will come up in the morning, I will wake up and life will go on! OR NOT.
On a less introspective level, my life is going well. I study, I write, I read, I tutor, I smile, I cry, I eat, I listen to awesome songs while staring off into oblivion. Yes, I am still being introspective, can't help it, it seems to be one of my biggest habits. I am indeed Blessed
08-09-2010 9:45:53 PM MST
Much has changed in the last few weeks. I have several projects in the works and have been very busy. My new eBook, Sex and Sexuality is coming along great and should be ready to release in the next few weeks. I have also decided that Photography is one of my passions and I need to give it more attention. People tell me that I am good at it, so I am constructing a new photowebsite. I will release this info this weekend. I continue to tudor and enjoy that very much. It would be great to have more clients. School is going great and at this point I will be graduating in Jan. '11.
I would like to share my experience with an online dating service, OkCupid.com. After taking an online survey on transgenderism, the site redirected me to OKCupid and asked me to sign up, so I did. The website is free and offers quality leads. The way the site is constructed it is easy to see if the person is interesting or not, and they have questions about your personality and likes, etc. which the site uses to build a profile of you. Anyway it seems to work although the details remain to be tested. I have met a wonderful man who I talk to daily now and very much anticipate our first meeting in the next few weeks. He has a beautiful smile, is honest, caring, loving and supportive! The best part is he is as excited about me as I am about him! I am not making this common knowledge yet because we have yet to meet in person. My gut feeling is ... he is the One. Please send us your loving support, not that we need it. I am just so excited...
07-25-2010 1:00:12 PM MST
After seeing the movie "Inception" I have been reflecting on the meaning of life. I do that a lot anyway, LOL. My experience with dreams is simply that dreams are where we create the life we live. Whether this life is a dream or illusion as I teach and have been taught is hard to say. I can't help but wonder though if I committed suicide would I awaken or would I be trapped in purgatory? At the present time I am leaning toward the purgatory idea and in fact that could be where I am right now. I think that we experience whatever it is that we believe to be so. I certainly can see a lot of repeating themes in my life. I will not go into the details but I assure you that I see that life is a habit so to speak. An associate I worked with a long time ago described it as echoes. The people we meet and call friend or family are echoes from the subconscious mind which is the aspect of mind that creates everything in your life. Another way to view this is archetypically. This is another reason I really liked "Inception". I am starting to get an idea of how life is constructed. It is much like throwing a brick in a pond, once the ripples reach the edge they bounce back and begin crossing over ripples going out and this nullifies the outward ripples that are aligned opposite, if for some reason the ripples do not line up then they cross over each other and morph into other ripples at the center. After a long time the ripples subside until another brick is thrown into the pond. I am about to throw another brick into the pond of my life very soon. I am having SRS/GRS surgery which will change the course of my journey. Whether this is putting me back on track or simply changing directions, well no one can honestly say. I do feel like this is the direction I need to take and was intended to take many years ago. May Holy Spirit bless me on my journey and guide my steps. I surrender unto you my Lord and trust that the Highest Good is served. For this I am deeply grateful ;-)
07-21-2010 1:30:47 PM MST
Been feeling really down these past few days. My testosterone level is higher than it should be but I am taking as much Spironolactone as I dare take for now. I need surgery to remedy the situation. I prefer SRS/GRS but will accept orchiectomy. I could be supplementing my hormone regimen with some Estrofem but the finances just will not handle that since I choose to invest in my commitment to surgery. I am tutoring some now but hardly enough to call it income. I need to finish up my eBook, and have been working on it some lately. I am feeling good about that at least.
I have been attempting the online dating scene, but am only getting more frustrated. I met a wonderful man named Cecil and as usual he does not live anywhere near me. The chances of actually meeting him in person are slim. I don't know why I even bother. I am also feeling my time here in Colorado is coming to an end, or maybe it is my time on earth. Time will tell!
07-10-2010 12:52:51 PM MST
Last night I went to a Birthday celebration for Aron who is the son of my best friend Kriss. The party was at a country bar about a mile or two from the house here. It is your typical country bar with line dancing and a live band. The music was pretty good for country music and not too loud. I had a good time although I was a bit withdrawn. Just before we were to leave a nice man came over to me and asked me to dance, the first all evening. He had to bargain with me and he must of asked me a dozen times over and over. Finally I agreed and took to the dance floor with him. I know nothing of how to country dance and I am sure I amused several of the other patrons there that night. David, the couragous young man who asked me to dance, lead me very well and I even learned a few dance steps. It was fun, although I am not going to rush out and do that again this was a first for me. I have never danced country before and I have never danced with a guy either. I am not sure what he was thinking but hopefully he enjoyed the dance too. I must also add that he was indeed a great dancer with many smooth moves, thank you David.
07-08-2010 12:42:27 PM MST
July has arrived and things are going well. I am getting more tutoring jobs which is really what I want to be doing now anyway. I am working on my new eBook, "Sex and Sexuality". I just need to figure out a way to put my heart into the book. The message I offer is not new but it is very important and I feel like it is the keynote to my life's journey. It will not be your typical book on sex but instead it provides a new perspective on sex and sexuality. If you are familiar with my website you will have some idea where I am coming from.
School is going well. We have a week and a half left of Technology in Education and then we move on to Assessment and Evaluation in AET. I must admit that I am happy with the direction my life is taking. Teaching and coaching are two things that I really enjoy doing. I feel that I am good at both, but my experience would say differently. In my heart I know that I am exactly where I need to be at this moment.
I can feel the surgery date getting closer each and every day. My life depends on it. I pray that I have surgery as soon as possible, preferably Feb. 2011. My temporary date is June 7th of '11. I hear that Marci Bowers is moving to San Francisco so I will have to travel which I did not want to fly, but I will take it all in stride. I am simply grateful to have the surgery.
The surgery will not change who I am, but it will align who I am with the physical plane. The feeling of having estrogen flowing through my body is wonderful. I am so grateful to mostly be rid of testosterone. After the surgery my world will be "right as rain" to quote the Matrix movie.
Something within me feels the end is near. I love endings because they lead to beginnings.
06-29-2010 10:44:27 AM MST
What a great month this has been! There is so much to tell you about. On friday the 18th I attended a picnic sponsored by TransAction and it turned out to be great fun! I love visiting with others of like mind. The food was good and the company was excellent. That weekend was Pridefest in Denver and I worked the PFLAG coalition booth. We just handed out information about PFLAG and offered our services. I met some more awesome people and had a good time. On sunday was the parade and I decided to walk with PFLAG because I really resonate with their message of support for Parents, Friends and Family of GLBT. The organization has everyone included! During the parade I carried a large Transgender Flag which is white, purple and pink stripes. After the parade I socialized with friends and wondered around taking in all the sights. I got a small blister from the parade so I went home in the early afternoon, but not before stopping into the Mile-Hi booth to say hello to my friends there. I love the fact that Denver is full of loving and accepting people of diversity!! On Monday I joined TransAction again for a fun event. We attended Elitches which is like Six-Flags and has awesome rides, a wave pool and lots of fun activities. I ran around in my one piece bathing suit and had a wet and wonderful time. On Wed. I attended a discussion on James Twyman's new book Barn Dance and got to visit briefly with James. Then on Thursday the 24th Ken and Kriss took me out for a birthday dinner at Cinzzetti's Italian Buffet. The food was outta this world delicious and all you can eat for only $14. It was like going to Las Vegas or something, every type of Italian food imaginable. I am indeed Blessed ;-)
Each and every day my life gets better and better! I am deeply grateful and humbled by all the abundance!
06-15-2010 2:18:41 PM MST
I just took a bold action, at least for me. After 31 years I registered with my high school alumni association. I am totally out now. Often I wonder what my life would be like now if I had come out back then. I know this is pointless but there is some force that drags these thoughts out of the dungeon of my mind. Maybe I am free now. I doubt I would have been able to play on the womans basketball team, LOL. I know that High School was simply a stop along the road to "my life". I also know that I did not have the courage nor the skills to handle coming out at that time. Being transsexual means that I am one in approx. 2500 people. That is a very rough figure but it is close. I certainly am not one in a million, LOL. The funny thing is that on some level I have known that I am a woman in a male frame since puberty, but I am still trying to figure out my sexual orientation. I find myself attracted to men now that I am on estrogen and I am especially attracted to crossdressers and feminine men. This includes gay men, but since they are looking for a guy this will not work for me. Bisexual men are a good choice and so are bisexual women ;-) For now I just Love as a soul and as far as intimacy goes, well I will find that when I am ready. It has been so long since I held anyones nude body next to mine, I think I remember what it is like.... So often we take these things for granted until we no longer have them. I sit here in deep gratitude for those who have loved me on the long path I call the journey of love. I know that there will be others and I cannot imagine living my life in celibacy. I am trying not to limit myself to after SRS but that is the way it is looking at this point. Which means next year some time.
Have you ever driven someone else's car? Being transsexual is sort of like that.
06-06-2010 10:19:13 AM MST
Last night I experienced a profound realization. I cannot help anyone emotionally, nor can I prevent them from experiencing pain. It is not my place to do this. Once they have made the decision to experience something it is their priveledge and honor to do so how ever they choose. I must honor their decision. All that I can do is offer my love, support and understanding.
I am afraid I did not do a very good job of that last night and I have mixed feeling about the whole thing. I so much wanted to give my friend a hug, but felt pushed away at the same time, like I was not welcome. I felt angry that I was powerless to assist. Being sucked into a persons illusion just to make them feel better is no solution anyway. I did what felt best to me and that was leave. I do not have to participate in negative creations and so I will not.
I make no apology for leaving this situation. I choose to live my life as joyously as I can and the less energy I offer to negative creations the better. Please forgive me, I am sorry, I love you, Thank you!!!
06-04-2010 5:24:13 PM MST
A few thoughts here on the friday evening. A life is not lived unless it is shared with someone. Do you remember the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks? I sometimes feel like him, stranded on an island called earth. Of course I can create an avatar to keep me company and I can talk to the dog. What I have not figured out yet is what to do about my longing to snuggle close to a warm body who will return my affections. I guess I am too picky, but not just anybody will do. I am trying to be more open and to look for opportunities that feel right. When I find them, I will act on them. Loneliness is a state of mind. I think I will go turn on the TV so I won't feel lonely.
The funny part is most people who do have someone to snuggle with every night, to chat with when they get lonely and someone to share your deepest feelings with, don't even appreciate them. I know that when I did have this priviledge I was grateful most of the time. But then no one is perfect. Maybe it is that I just don't know what I want...nahhh, I know the possibilities are endless. So I will relax and go with the flow. Things always work out. I will continue to dream!